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Can't find a way out...

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Betsy Z, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Betsy Z

    Betsy Z Member

    Hey everyone...
    Not a particularly original story here..
    had a difficult childhood (bipolar father, abuse etc...)....always felt a "void" inside that I've tried to fill with many things. Anger, sex, alcohol...then cocaine. It started as a "party drug", but I've always known that it was way more important for me compared to my friends....I've met a man 5 years ago, who has almost "fixed" me. Felt like everything was going to be allright, for the first time in my life. I've been considering actually living a nice life, feeling less depressed. We got married. everything was looking good. I got pregnant by accident. He clearly stated that he didn't want to keep the baby, due to financial issues (I'm still not entirely sure to this day that this was the real reason...). I've accepted to have an abortion. That's when things really went downhill. The void was bigger than it ever was before. I felt like I was drowning. Felt like I had lost a part of me. I had a tendancy to addiction before, but at that time it became overwhelming. I started to do cocaine more and more, also drinking a lot. He couldn't handle it. We separated. I had lost the love of my life. It's been a bit more than a year. I've totally let myself sink into that freaking addiction because it was the only thing keeping me "sane". I've been seeking help, with therapists. I've met a new man, who is incredibly supportive. But I just keep coming back to that ****. I recently have been able for the first time to go 2 weeks without using (to be honest, mostly because I'm totally broke and in debt, so no choice here...but still it is a good thing that I haven't been using). But as soon as I get my paycheck, there's no way around it, I just call my dealer. I feel like ****. I feel empty most of the time. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore without using. I feel ashamed. I mean I haven't got it as bad as some other people. I don't understand why I can't get over that **** stuff that happened. I have everything I need to overcome this addiction but I just can't seem to do it. I'm lost. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, because I feel like it's ridiculous and no one can understand how overwhelming the craving can be at times.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z

    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I can relate to feeling that humongous void and trying to fill it up with so many different things. You've definitely been through a lot in your life, starting in your childhood. I'm glad that you're going to a therapist. The journey toward healing all of those old wounds may take a while and a lot of inner work on your part. How long have you been going to therapy?

    Regarding the addiction, it might take more than just seeing a therapist once a week or however often you go. You may need to grow a bigger Support Network. We are definitely one thing you can add to that supportive Network, as we will be here to listen and share our insight and experiences with you. But there's also things like inpatient or outpatient addiction treatment, an addiction specialist, 12 steps groups or smart recovery, there's Celebrate Recovery in churches, their spiritual supports like church or a spiritual center, workshops, retreats, and so on. It's simply finding what will work for you and trying out different things.

    Recovery is a holistic kind of path, your mind, body, and spirit. It's a journey and its progress your after, which sounds like you are making by seeing a therapist and even come on here and sharing.

    I want to offer you hope that you can overcome this addiction. But it's going to take some major changes on your part. I always say nothing changes if nothing changes and if you want big changes then you must make big changes. So it looks like in your recovery process you are needing some big changes. Begin to think about and pray about what this would look for you. Make a list. I know it's not easy to reach out for new help or try something new, but its necessary often times. But the hard work will pay off my dear.

    Are you up for reading any books written by those who have recovered from addiction? If so, let us know and we'll give you a few titles you could check out or feel free to look on your own. Keeping recovery in the forefront of your mind each day will help.

    I hope this helps
    deanokat likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z hey there! just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing!
    deanokat likes this.