Hey everyone... Not a particularly original story here.. had a difficult childhood (bipolar father, abuse etc...)....always felt a "void" inside that I've tried to fill with many things. Anger, sex, alcohol...then cocaine. It started as a "party drug", but I've always known that it was way more important for me compared to my friends....I've met a man 5 years ago, who has almost "fixed" me. Felt like everything was going to be allright, for the first time in my life. I've been considering actually living a nice life, feeling less depressed. We got married. everything was looking good. I got pregnant by accident. He clearly stated that he didn't want to keep the baby, due to financial issues (I'm still not entirely sure to this day that this was the real reason...). I've accepted to have an abortion. That's when things really went downhill. The void was bigger than it ever was before. I felt like I was drowning. Felt like I had lost a part of me. I had a tendancy to addiction before, but at that time it became overwhelming. I started to do cocaine more and more, also drinking a lot. He couldn't handle it. We separated. I had lost the love of my life. It's been a bit more than a year. I've totally let myself sink into that freaking addiction because it was the only thing keeping me "sane". I've been seeking help, with therapists. I've met a new man, who is incredibly supportive. But I just keep coming back to that ****. I recently have been able for the first time to go 2 weeks without using (to be honest, mostly because I'm totally broke and in debt, so no choice here...but still it is a good thing that I haven't been using). But as soon as I get my paycheck, there's no way around it, I just call my dealer. I feel like ****. I feel empty most of the time. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore without using. I feel ashamed. I mean I haven't got it as bad as some other people. I don't understand why I can't get over that **** stuff that happened. I have everything I need to overcome this addiction but I just can't seem to do it. I'm lost. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, because I feel like it's ridiculous and no one can understand how overwhelming the craving can be at times.