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Can't find a way out...

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Betsy Z, Nov 6, 2018.

  1. Betsy Z

    Betsy Z Member

    Hey everyone...
    Not a particularly original story here..
    had a difficult childhood (bipolar father, abuse etc...)....always felt a "void" inside that I've tried to fill with many things. Anger, sex, alcohol...then cocaine. It started as a "party drug", but I've always known that it was way more important for me compared to my friends....I've met a man 5 years ago, who has almost "fixed" me. Felt like everything was going to be allright, for the first time in my life. I've been considering actually living a nice life, feeling less depressed. We got married. everything was looking good. I got pregnant by accident. He clearly stated that he didn't want to keep the baby, due to financial issues (I'm still not entirely sure to this day that this was the real reason...). I've accepted to have an abortion. That's when things really went downhill. The void was bigger than it ever was before. I felt like I was drowning. Felt like I had lost a part of me. I had a tendancy to addiction before, but at that time it became overwhelming. I started to do cocaine more and more, also drinking a lot. He couldn't handle it. We separated. I had lost the love of my life. It's been a bit more than a year. I've totally let myself sink into that freaking addiction because it was the only thing keeping me "sane". I've been seeking help, with therapists. I've met a new man, who is incredibly supportive. But I just keep coming back to that ****. I recently have been able for the first time to go 2 weeks without using (to be honest, mostly because I'm totally broke and in debt, so no choice here...but still it is a good thing that I haven't been using). But as soon as I get my paycheck, there's no way around it, I just call my dealer. I feel like ****. I feel empty most of the time. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore without using. I feel ashamed. I mean I haven't got it as bad as some other people. I don't understand why I can't get over that **** stuff that happened. I have everything I need to overcome this addiction but I just can't seem to do it. I'm lost. I can't talk to anyone about this stuff, because I feel like it's ridiculous and no one can understand how overwhelming the craving can be at times.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z

    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I can relate to feeling that humongous void and trying to fill it up with so many different things. You've definitely been through a lot in your life, starting in your childhood. I'm glad that you're going to a therapist. The journey toward healing all of those old wounds may take a while and a lot of inner work on your part. How long have you been going to therapy?

    Regarding the addiction, it might take more than just seeing a therapist once a week or however often you go. You may need to grow a bigger Support Network. We are definitely one thing you can add to that supportive Network, as we will be here to listen and share our insight and experiences with you. But there's also things like inpatient or outpatient addiction treatment, an addiction specialist, 12 steps groups or smart recovery, there's Celebrate Recovery in churches, their spiritual supports like church or a spiritual center, workshops, retreats, and so on. It's simply finding what will work for you and trying out different things.

    Recovery is a holistic kind of path, your mind, body, and spirit. It's a journey and its progress your after, which sounds like you are making by seeing a therapist and even come on here and sharing.

    I want to offer you hope that you can overcome this addiction. But it's going to take some major changes on your part. I always say nothing changes if nothing changes and if you want big changes then you must make big changes. So it looks like in your recovery process you are needing some big changes. Begin to think about and pray about what this would look for you. Make a list. I know it's not easy to reach out for new help or try something new, but its necessary often times. But the hard work will pay off my dear.

    Are you up for reading any books written by those who have recovered from addiction? If so, let us know and we'll give you a few titles you could check out or feel free to look on your own. Keeping recovery in the forefront of your mind each day will help.

    I hope this helps
    Liola and deanokat like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z hey there! just thinking of you and wondering how you're doing!
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hi Betsy Z
    I am late in seeing your initial post and Dominica's response but I wanted to also welcome you and see if you are still open to wanting to get and stay clean before I say anything. Let me just say I have been in your shoes and still struggle with it all.
    How is it going?
  5. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Betsy Z... If you get a spare minute or two, please stop by and check in with us. We're here and we care.
  6. Betsy Z

    Betsy Z Member

    Hello all...thank you for the kind replies. I've actually attempted suicide last weekend so...not that good. But I think it actually has been kind of a shock treatment that I needed. I realize that I have lost so much of what I had, and what I was as a person, to this **** drug. It is just not worth it at all. I need to get myself back on my feet, I need to get back to myself and if I can't find the person that I used to be before, I will have to just become someone new I guess. Anyway I'm motivated since yesterday but I have felt that way before and always relapsed, so we'll see what happens in the next few days/weeks.
  7. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Betsy Z,
    I'm so glad you checked in and are so honest. That is huge to write what you wrote from your gut!...that is one of the great things about this site and the people who are here for us...you can write your deepest secrets, fears, hopes and dreams and not feel judged and that is the only way to save your ass from this fatal disease of addiction. So you are on the path whether you know it or feel it or not. It starts with a desire to get and stay clean...to stick and stay. It is very hard. If it was easy as they say, everyone would be clean and happy. BUT as an addict our first thoughts are to use. It is what we know. It is how we have coped with the voids. It is how we think we have survived. Even the misery isn't enough to "think" your way out of using.
    You just do not make the phone call and go to a support group or person instead. You do not use no matter what.
    That is a decision. You will rarely ever FEEL like not using or picking up the phone even if you know you'll feel horrible coming down or broke or whatever- you just cannot let your feelings become what you do. You never have to feel this way again if you make the decision. But I can't do this on my own.
    I need help to keep my decision a fact or a way of life so I go to NA meetings daily. I never want to go but once I walk in the room I feel I am safe from the world, from temptation, from myself even for 1 hour and every person there feels the same exact way no matter the drug of choice or the type of person they are.
    It is natural for an addict to want to use and relapse and try to figure out how to use successfully...we cannot.

    Until I accepted that there was no defense against my ignoring all I had been through (the horrors) and all the "knowledge" i picked up in any amount of clean time...my default button was to score and use and sweep it under the rug thinking nobody but me will know. Well, I continued to go through withdrawals (I believe and experienced withdrawals from cocaine) and feel better, use, withdrawals etc. I could not break the cycle.

    I also can completely relate to what you went through with the abortion. A very long time ago I was engaged to a guy and we were for awhile living still long distance until closer to the wedding...I got pregnant and told him and his reaction was horrible. Something bothered me about that but I ignored it and had the procedure. That was a relapse for me on pain pills that the place offered me after. I didn't even have pain...physically. Emotionally I think now I buried that pain with the pills. I never thought that I would ever go back to cocaine. Cocaine was something that I did that lines eventually led to smoking it...(freebase in those days). Well, many years later guess what? I went back to cocaine. Just socially mind you as I had some clean time and chose not to tell anyone that I was doing it now and then. My secrets kept me sick.
    You are being so honest you really have a good chance to get and stay clean!!!!
    I didn't because I told nobody. I then went to pills, then to cocaine heavier, and then for years it was a horrible cycle of relapses, treatment centers and relapses.

    So I never married that guy because (thank God) he called it off. He didn't stand by me. His family dropped me like I was worthless and the most horrible person. He was a resident in medicine and I wrote a fake script on his boss' rx and the pharmacist told them. That was it.
    That was about 20 years ago. I've had so many in and outs since then with drugs.
    My husband now has never left my side in 11 years and is now going to his own 12 step program of al-anon. There is no nar anon here (drugs) for the family of addicts. He hasn't left my side but I cannot do this to myself or him again. It has torn our marriage up and I am lucky to have the chance to rebuild myself and our marriage. When we met and got engaged I only told him I had HAD a problem in the past with cocaine. He didn't know about pills or that addiction was a life long disease I would always have.
    I also never knew I didn't HAVE to use. That one day at a time the disease could be arrested if I don't do the first one.

    I could not at the end go 2 weeks without using like you did. Cash was always a problem for me (my husband kept a tight hold over the atm and his wallet) but I would sell things (precious sentimental things too...anything!) or find a way to get it fronted...whatever I could do to get more and use more. It consumed my mind and my time.
    I now have moments I don't even want to use but many that I do. I play the tape through in my mind to the end and get to a meeting and share about it...or come here or call someone in my support circle.

    I never tried to commit suicide or anything like that because I only thought of using. I knew I couldn't stop at the end and the drugs weren't even what I thought I was getting probably. So cut and full of who knows what these days. I used to test it with clorox or something and eventually stopped. I didn't want to know. But that didn't stop me. I had no fear I would die.
    When I did feel I wanted to die was when I got through detox (oxy and cocaine and soma) and came home after a week of being in detox in June of this year. I immediately had an old friend come over who has never since high school gone a day without using. She brought the cocaine and all bets were off for months. I was going to her house daily. Then she got some stuff that made me sick. I got huge sores in my nose and couldn't even go out in public. I couldn't breathe and my sinus' were killing me...somehow I stopped. I told my husband and went to my sponsor and told her the truth.
    The detox place had given me comfort meds to go home with so I leaned on those and they made a schedule with me to come off of all my new comfort drugs which was really hard too (ativan and adderal and soma). My sponsor (a mentor you pick in the meetings) told me to start my 90/90 (90 meetings in 90 days) but that I couldn't pick a clean date until I was off everything. So I went and the new seeds started getting planted.

    But during this time I was very down. I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live. I didn't think I could without the drugs. I see some light now. I am doing a lot of work through reading the NA text and starting the 12 steps and listening to people like Joel Osteen on the radio and coming on here to see the light and feel the hope. The meetings are invaluable.

    This isn't everything but it sums it up. I now at 57 years old am seeing what I've done, telling myself what I've been told that helps me continue which is that this time could be the real time I stay clean vs. beating myself up and psyching myself out.

    This was long and I don't know if it flows right as my mind is just clearing more each day but I urge you to consider more help for yourself. It is out there. It is a decision not a feeling. I'm here. We are here too.
    Paulita and deanokat like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Betsy Z... I'm so sorry to hear about your suicide attempt. Thank God you are still with us. Please do everything you can to get on the right track and stay there. I know you can beat your addiction. And we will help you any way we can. I am sending you positive energy, hope, and encouragement. And love. Lots and lots of love. You are a wonderful human and the world needs you around. Never forget that, okay?
    True concern likes this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z

    Hey there! I'm sorry that you're struggling so much. I do hope that this has been a big wake-up call and that you will start to progress in a positive way. What does your supportive Network look like? Are you seeing a therapist regularly? Are you open to the possibility of attending support group meetings? Perhaps you can make a call to your Social Services agencies to see if they can point you in a good direction for recovery on all levels?

    We're definitely here to listen. I wish there was more that I could say or do. But we do care and we want the best for you.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  10. Teetee

    Teetee Active Contributor

    Hey Betsy, I can honestly say if I can do it, then honestly you can do it to. Believe me I have relapsed for over 5 years, for 2 years I was doing it every week, then stopped but only because I could not get any, then I found a way to buy it so clearly I did not end my addiction, difference now is I can still easily get it, but I do not want it. I will tell you how I decided to call it off. Fact is, you have to find things you love, like for me I absolutley love fitness and my wife, end of day I have seen people die off this stuff, you have to think of all the pros and negatives you get from this.

    Now I can guarantee you will have over 10 negs and one pro such as a few hours high because that is the only time you feel great, but you said it yourself, the come down is the worst feeling you can possibly get, you feel emotionally drained, you feel no motivation, you feel useless, you have not ate in days, people think your a joke, your intellect slowly decreases, you dont even leave the house, I can go on and on with the negatives. I honeslty could never go back on this disgusting drug or any drug ever again.

    Look at what Kurt Cobain even says regarding drugs "Drugs are a waste of time. They destroy your memory and your self-respect and everything that goes along with your self-esteem. They're no good at all."

    This is so true, they do not do anything for you, he clearly wanted to stop and he would had until they had him killed because he loved his daughter and wanted to find peace similar to myself, drugs are evil, just find a reason to live, what do you want in life? Surely you do not want to die in this state? Surely you do not want to live like this until you die? I can gurantee that if you find a reason to stop this for all the pros in your life, watch how you will feel great, more energetic, your intelligence will increase, your memory, your ability to concenrate, your surroundings, your emotions, your life style, things will become so much better, and for me I can say 100% this is what I got in the end, I know you can do it because believe me I do not want anyone else to go through what I did, its horrible, good luck, message me if you need to talk more, but I know you will be fine.
    Paulita, True concern and Dominica like this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for that inspirational post, @Teetee.

    @Betsy Z... How are you doing???
    True concern likes this.
  12. Teetee

    Teetee Active Contributor

    Thanks brother in humanity. I second that and would love to hear back from her?
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  13. Betsy Z

    Betsy Z Member

    Hello all,

    I didn't check in here so I just now saw your replies, and it really moves me :)
    So I've been clean for 2 weeks now. Excepte for one night where I drank quite a lot and did a little bit of cocaine. I learned that day that my divorce was finally pronounced (legally). Which was quite a tough thing to hear, even tough I knew it was gonna be any day now, but it still kicks you in the head pretty hard to have to face the past failures and struggles, especially when you're in a fragile state of mind. Anyway, other than that I feel amazing. I'm feeling so much better physically, mentally. I'm amazed at how being sober makes me feel so much better immediately (well, after a few days of hell.) But I also do know that I've been down that road before so I do not consider myself out of my addiction. I still have panic attacks. I haven't gone out to a bar or with friends cause I don't think I can face other people drinking for now. I'm taking it slow, caring for myself, getting a lot of rest. As for my "support network" as you've asked, I am seeing a psychiatrist, have been for a while. He's good, but I just don't see him often enough. I would like to go back to a deep therapy but I'm not sure I'm strong enough just yet. I kind of need to stay in the "real", not talk about things that are too deep or make me think too much cause I've tried that before and it was just worse. I need to focus on what I can actively be doing, like breating exercises, how to cope with very real struggles that come with depression and addiction. So I'm going to be talking to my psychiatrist about maybe seing someone else a bit more often. As for the NA meetings, I've tried it twice and it really was not for me at all. At least not the one that I've been in (there's only one where I live). It was very much leaning towards religious stuff which is a bit no-no for me (I have bad history with cults :/ which makes me not receptive at all to anything that evokes a higher power...). I do feel like I would like to be able to exchange with people who have gone through the same things as I am, which is why I found that maybe online support might be a good compromise.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Betsy Z... Thanks for the update. It sounds like you're doing pretty well. I'm glad that your sobriety had you feeling so much better. I'm also proud of you for avoiding going out to bars or with friends; avoiding things that may trigger a relapse is a great strategy in early sobriety. As far as the NA meetings go, I can understand how the religious aspect might not be your cup of tea. You may want to see if there's a SMART Recovery meeting in your area. SMART is an alternative to 12-step programs and has helped a ton of people get and stay sober. They also have online meetings and an online community. Check out their website here: https://www.smartrecovery.org

    Keep focusing on you. And know that things will get easier as time goes by. We are here to help, support, encourage, and listen. Always without judgment, too.

    Hope you have a great week!
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Betsy Z hey there! sounds like you're doing very well! happy to hear this! i agree to maybe try smart recovery if you're seeking a supportive community. you might like it.

    you're being proactive and that's wonderful. you'll knew if/when you're ready for "deeper" therapy. for now, keep doing what you're doing..and thank you for letting us know how you are!!!
    deanokat likes this.
  16. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Betsy,
    I think you are doing great. I will say that I wouldn't have liked an NA meeting that was very G-d oriented. One of the things I love about NA is that although it is a 12 step program which if you are in, you should do the 12 steps with a sponsor and it does have the word G-d in a couple of the steps but it is more spiritual than any religion. Many and I mean MANY in NA consider things like the group itself a higher power. It only means something outside of yourself. Outside of your own mind. The meaning is that you can't cure yourself with the mind that kept you sick. For example, you could use Good Orderly Direction as a higher power...just doing things differently than your old habitual way of doing things and then your thinking will eventually change. That is more cognitive behavioral psychology than anything else.
    As far as a "cult"...many view the 12 step programs that way and are turned off, don't go, and miss a lot of wonderful support of one addict helping another. It has worked for over 75 years and it works because it works that simply. I hope I am not being defensive or pushy but I think you might want to give it another try and you can feel free to share your doubts there too. You'll probably find others in your camp but that being the only one around you don't have much choice and it is free, and it works and I really urge you as it is a safe place to share anything.
    One of the readings and in their basic text they specifically say that the power can be ANYTHING you want it to be. It could be the air you breathe. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water so quickly.
    You sound like an extremely intelligent person and sometimes it is the intellects that never get this because they think too much.
    I agree with you that it is too much right now for deep or really much psychology visits and delving. It doesn't matter what you did right now...what matters as you are doing here is connecting with other addicts who have been where you are, or are where you are and are getting through it not just by only giving up the drugs but by getting some peace and happiness without the drugs.
    I know I am still struggling with that. When I leave a meeting I always feel a little better.
    Please, try it again. I have nothing to gain from you doing that...I'm telling you because I am sure if you open your mind and try to identify rather than find the things you don't like about it...you will have an easier time.
    Regardless, you are doing great...you could just be more comfortable and building a better foundation is all.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Liola some excellent insight and advice there... thanks for sharing that!
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  18. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks so much for your insightful post, @Liola. I agree that different NA/AA meetings can have a very different feel. It's always good to try several different meetings before deciding the program isn't for you. Thanks again.
    Liola and Dominica like this.
  19. Teetee

    Teetee Active Contributor

    So glad to hear your well, just remember you being sober motivates me, I come on here and see others doing well, believe me your just an inspiraton to myself as you see us to. Keep us updated, truly care! :)
  20. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

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