An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Can't stop...

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Cperry1188, Jul 10, 2018.

  1. Cperry1188

    Cperry1188 Member

    I have been up for three days now. I feel like ****. This is the second bender this week. I'm a functional **** head. I have a good job, I have a family. None of them can tell. I can keep it together like that. Also, let me be clear here: drug addiction is not a disease. A five year old little girl with lukemia has a disease. We did this **** to ourselves. Now I'm fucked. My uncle died Sunday. At 52. What from? Drugs. He did an 8 ball a day and drank a fifth a night. For 30+ years. I'm on the same path. I'm so fucking selfish. I say I love my kids. Do I? Apparently not. I am starting to feel like there is no point in prolonging it. I'm so happy with my children sober. But for some fucked up reason I keep doing this fucking hell. I mean that. When I'm chilling with my kids and I'm sober, I'm so much happier then I could ever be like this. But then I do this **** again. And again. And again. Maybe this will be the last tine. Maybe I'll just go on. I've got a bad ass life policy...
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Cperry1188 I use to think the same as you,"addiction is not a disease"In ways i still agree and in ways i don't.You say your happiest sober with your kid's,then you acknowledge these endless benders.Are you purposely choosing misery over the thing that makes you the happiest by your own admission.Addiction is terminal in that the longer your addicted the worse your health becomes and in the end it potentially takes your life..sounds like a disease to me.I have a son who fought the rarest form of cancer on the planet called "Diamond black phenomena"and he was not supposed to survive,he was maybe the 5-6 th case ever at the time.Chemotherapy and bone marrow transplantation and now he is cancer free over 15 years beating his terminal disease.Addiction is a chemical imbalance in the brain prompting "self destructive"behavior but at first its recreational use and eventually takes full control so maybe your correct "Addiction"Maybe isn't a disease but its the effect from the chemical imbalance in our brains that triggers the continued self medication so in one way or another it does come to a very real medical condition regardless how you label it.Seek help my friend this site is full of supporters and encouraging individuals who all strive to help in any way we can.Stay Strong my friend and God Bless
    Dominica, deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Cperry1188... Welcome to the community, my friend. I'm sorry that you're struggling mightily with cocaine. But I'm glad you're reaching out.

    I didn't used to think that addiction was a disease. But the more I researched it, the more I changed my mind. Is the first time you try alcohol or drugs a choice? Absolutely. But after that, the brain takes over. Certain people have brains that are wired for addiction. Others don't. That's why one person can try cocaine once and never use it again. And other people, like you, try it once and are hooked. If we could stop people from ever trying alcohol or drugs, we would eliminate addiction. But that's not realistic. So we will keep on playing this variation of Russian Roulette, where people take a chance with drugs/alcohol and see if they will get the "bullet" (i.e., addiction) or not.

    Sure, addition isn't a disease on the same level as leukemia. But it is a disease. A brain disease. And the vast majority of the medical community agrees on that now.

    You can overcome your addiction. I know you can. But you have to be willing to commit to doing so, and be willing to do the hard work that will be required. It won't be easy, but you can do it. So definitely look into getting help. Go see an addiction specialist. Look into outpatient or inpatient treatment. Go to support group meetings (NA, AA, or CA). Go see a psychologist who specializes in treating people with addiction. Do any of those things. But do something. Because you deserve to live a happy, healthy life without the beast of cocaine in it.

    We are here for you anytime you need help, support, or just someone to listen to you.
    lonewolves, Dominica and True concern like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Cperry1188 hey there. the others have given some great insight and advice. you've got to really make some BIG changes recovery wise.... don't let any excuses hold you back... don't have the time? make the time. the money? figure out a way....

    go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, bust your ass working the 12 steps and don't make excuses... let your sponsor mentor you. see an addiction therapist and commit to going for a year. yep. a year.... come hell or high water, get there and put all your stuff out there on the table.... hit outpatient or inpatient rehab... let the experts help you. be humble. be willing. be open minded....

    it takes time. might take some relapses. if so, get up and try try try again. and again. and again...

    let your kids be your "why"... if that's what it takes for now.

    and know you've got some peeps here rooting for you. we'll pick you up when you're down. won't give up on you. won't agree that you're a ****head... you're not. you're someone who struggles with addiction. you're brain is WIRED for addiction... and yes, that's a disease... a problem... but there are treatments.

    don't know why your brain is wired that way. don't need to know... the reality is that it is and now you can choose to hardcore do something different.

    keep coming back here....
    lonewolves, deanokat and True concern like this.