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Can't Stop

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Raging Alcoholic, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. Hi All,

    I'm not sure why I'm taking the time to post other than the fact that my addiction is killing me and I've venting. I drink an insane amount of alcohol, and I'm not a young man. I've ready every book known to man about this "disease", but I still can't seem to beat it. I have been through AA, Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery etc, but nothing has worked for me long term. Sure, I've had long periods of sobriety, some lasting over a year, but I've always gone back to the sauce. I'm sure I'm dying. My liver is in survival mode. I'm drunk right now. I'm never not drunk. The thing is that the 12 step program doesn't resonate with me. I've gone down that road several times and it's just not for me. I can't accept having the label of an alcoholic. Bottom line, my longest periods of sobriety have come by following another set of rules. None of you can help me in the formal sense I'm sure, but I hope that what I'm sharing now has meaning for someone like me in a similar situation. I have nothing to complain about; a beautiful wife, two healthy children, a work from home business (part of my problem), but I can't seem to beat the demon of alcohol.

    One of my favorite movies is Barfly. As Mickey Rourke states, "it takes endurance to be a drunk". How true that is for me.

    Drunk or not, I don't like most people. I think it's an ingrained trait as my immediate family is the same way.. Everyone is on anti-depressants, and yeah I tried that too. I'd rather be drunk than feel nothing. What is my life's purpose? When do I figure that out? I'm not entirely unintelligent, but I feel as if there is no point to my existence. This is, undoubtedly the dichotomy when living as an addict. I know for a fact that there is a lot more to life and that I'm missing it. I think that's the toughest part; conscious awareness, a feeling of impending doom, the realization that the cycle will start all over the next day regardless of best intentions.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    WOW Usually I have much to say,usually I instantly see a way to get through to someone in some way,however you are in much the same spot I was at one point in my life,from what I've read you completely accept the death you chase...and for that I sympathize with you as I at one point in my life chased death through substance abuse myself, and I accepted it.I will pray for you my friend but you can beat this,even now at this point.I am fairly new to sobriety myself, just past 6 month's sober.Now I will share with you exactly what it took for myself to commit to the fight to beat my addictions or not,Im sure you love your beautiful wife and wonderful children, Im sure of this because I feel the same about mine.Please read my story,I am about to share with you the most painful moment of my life.Stay Strong and God Bless.

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you
  3. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Even if it takes 100 tries, never give up on sobriety! Even if you quit 100 times, that’s still a hundred days or minutes or seconds that you can say you were in control. We believe in you!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. Thank you both for your kind words, and thanks for sharing your story True Concern! Extremely powerful. I would say a higher power has plans for you:)

    Well I'm sober now, and plan to be for the day. Gotta start somewhere.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Absolutely you have to start somewhere and nothing worth doing is ever easy however it's always rewarding
    deanokat likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I believe in my heart and soul you are correct, someone up above has a plan for me.Even if it's just surviving to share my story, if in some small way it help's someone else Im grateful for that.Maybe my struggle can impact other's in away to start to change theirs,if that's the case praise the lord.Stay Strong my friend and for how much you say you drink cold turkey would kill you so if you just cut the amount down over time and get to a safe toxicity level then I see no reason why you couldn't beat this.Progress not Perfection.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Raging Alcoholic... How are you doing today, my friend? Never stop trying. No matter what. If you mix willingness and hope enough times, you WILL find long-term sobriety. In the meantime, know that we are here to offer up help, support, and encouragement. Please check in with us if you get a chance.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.