Hi All, I'm not sure why I'm taking the time to post other than the fact that my addiction is killing me and I've venting. I drink an insane amount of alcohol, and I'm not a young man. I've ready every book known to man about this "disease", but I still can't seem to beat it. I have been through AA, Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery etc, but nothing has worked for me long term. Sure, I've had long periods of sobriety, some lasting over a year, but I've always gone back to the sauce. I'm sure I'm dying. My liver is in survival mode. I'm drunk right now. I'm never not drunk. The thing is that the 12 step program doesn't resonate with me. I've gone down that road several times and it's just not for me. I can't accept having the label of an alcoholic. Bottom line, my longest periods of sobriety have come by following another set of rules. None of you can help me in the formal sense I'm sure, but I hope that what I'm sharing now has meaning for someone like me in a similar situation. I have nothing to complain about; a beautiful wife, two healthy children, a work from home business (part of my problem), but I can't seem to beat the demon of alcohol. One of my favorite movies is Barfly. As Mickey Rourke states, "it takes endurance to be a drunk". How true that is for me. Drunk or not, I don't like most people. I think it's an ingrained trait as my immediate family is the same way.. Everyone is on anti-depressants, and yeah I tried that too. I'd rather be drunk than feel nothing. What is my life's purpose? When do I figure that out? I'm not entirely unintelligent, but I feel as if there is no point to my existence. This is, undoubtedly the dichotomy when living as an addict. I know for a fact that there is a lot more to life and that I'm missing it. I think that's the toughest part; conscious awareness, a feeling of impending doom, the realization that the cycle will start all over the next day regardless of best intentions.