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Catching up

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by liliann, Jul 6, 2019.

  1. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Hi Everyone,

    I am back home 4 days now from the Mayo Clinic where I went for a procedure and ended up being scheduled for surgery. It was a lot and pretty scary. I did have a tumor on my pituitary gland that gave me a disease called Cushings. It is one of the reasons I have been so sick for years and according to the surgeon I am cured now. It can come back but praying it will not.
    My addiction for so very many years probably hid or masked the symptoms and prevented doctors from properly diagnosing me earlier.
    It is a very slow, long, and tough physical and emotional recovery that can take from 1-12 months. My body is going through a withdrawal of cortisol that is something that everyone needs and has but mine had way too much.
    When I heard the word withdrawal I thought oh no, been there, done that and wanted to die! Well, I have felt that way again from this.
    On top of it all, I was put on pain meds and they were really necessary. It was essentially brain surgery on top of the procedure I went there for which itself was invasive.
    The trip was very long and I was there alone.
    I am still on pain meds and have done something I am not proud of and feel very crappy about. I bought some pain meds off the street because I am still in bad head pain and the doctors here at home wouldn't prescribe and I do consider this a relapse.
    I won't go down this path of using though again. I haven't taken any but if my head feels again like it did all day yesterday I am not going to feel like killing myself from the pain. Sounds like justification and the disease alive and active to me but it is also the truth. My husband is beyond upset and pissed at me.
    When I went into detox last time I was up to 250 mg of oxy plus other drugs a day. I got a total 0f 100 mg today and have cut it into 10mg. tabs. I hope not to need them.
    I wanted to be honest here since this site got me through the worst detox and PAWS i ever went through and i do contribute my experiences here.
    I know i will have your support and hope not to "slide" down this path and hope my medical need is the only reason i resorted to this. But i did resort to it and that is a relapse. I don't care about my clean time, i care about my honesty and staying on a path i believe is recovery.
    A lot of contradictions i know but there it is.
    Headed for sleep but wanted to reach out and write.
    love to you all who have become so dear to me.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  2. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    i am so glad to hear from you. i'm exhausted myself today has been a serious physical workout for me. i want to post a genuine and thoughtful reply. so i will get back to you tomorrow. it's on my to-so list. but i hope that you don't need the pain meds you went through so much. but i'm not judging either, as i was not feeling good at all and went back on a small dose of subutex. sounds like you need something for pain, but like i said i will post tomorrow.
    God bless.
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  3. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    look forward to it Josh!
    haven't needed any tonight thankfully and am headed right now to sleep!
    deanokat, Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  4. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @liliann I'm so glad you were diagnosed and treated and now on the mend. That slippery slope for us is hard. Treating our pain is hard. It sounds like you aren't going to need them if you haven't yet so why not throw them out so you aren't tempted? I know surgery pain gets better everyday and you aren't going to see it go backwards only get better. I'm sure some of that is fear of the pain and some is your addiction talking. Whatever you do, we are here for you. I hope you recover quickly.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @liliann hello and great to hear from you! sorry it's been rough for you. glad they were able to give you a diagnosis though... we will def be here to support you however we can. yes, after healing, ditch them... to be on the safe side.

    i do pray you receive a healing soon!!

    and, as always, we believe in you! and are rooting for you!
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @liliann great to hear from you,so happy surgery went well,also sorry about the pain you feel.I think it was bot fear of agonizing pain as well as your subconscious mind allowing it to feel justified, either way no judgement. We love you and are just happy you are on the road to recovery. A little about me,I am once again on the correct path,I am apparently extremely depressed so 2 different depression meds as well as treatment for my ADHD I don't feel like dieing once a week anymore and that's great for my soul,my path,my recovery.

    STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
  7. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Your words mean so much to me. I sure do know you would never judge me. This is the only place (other than being honest with my husband before i went out and got them) that i have owned up to this and been 100% honest. I am so scared to tell my sponsor. I know she will drop me. I haven't decided what i am going to do with that. I know i eventually have to tell her because nothing will work with 1/2 measures but for right now, this second, i don't have to do anything...i just have to enjoy my coffee!
    i eventually do the right things and know i will but let me tell you, without this site and you few i feel so close to here, i don't know what i'd do. This site is a god send for me.
    I am so happy to hear you broke out of the cycle you were in. Thats the hardest part. Now, you have some relief and can put one foot in front of the other.
    We have a lot in common as we've struggled back and forth for so long, contribute to others along the way, are sincere and giving and feel somewhat uncomfortable advising or contributing when we are ourselves not on the beam so to speak. But we get back on and we never give up. And you know, it helps others to see we aren't those one white chip wonders and don't have to be perfect and that this time could be THE time it sticks.
    Lots of love to you my friend.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @liliann... I'm glad you gave us an update, my friend. And I'm so happy that your doctors were able to figure out your issue and fix it surgically. What a blessing!

    As far as the pain med slip-up... You know what you did and what you have to do. That's the important thing. You're being honest and owning it. Good for you!

    We are here for you, always. We won't judge you. We won't scold you. We won't make you feel bad. We'll just help and support you however we can.

    You know, I've never had a sponsor in a 12-step program, so I don't know if sponsors dropping a sponsee because of a slip-up is a thing...but I don't think it should be. If your sponsor can't be there for you when you probably need them most, that's not a very good thing. If you tell your sponsor and they drop you, try to find another sponsor ASAP.

    I'm sending you healing vibes and prayers, my dear. Please keep us updated on your recovery. We care about you!
    liliann and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  9. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    hi. i'm glad for the update as well. from what you said you haven't taken any of the pills yet. if that still is the case then i don't see where you have relapsed. you have put yourself in a position where you can easily relapse, but have not yet.
    there have been a few times that i was cleaning out stuff after i got clean and once found dope and a rig taped up under my aquarium. i sat there looking at it for hours before i called someone to help me. i simply could not do it myself.
    i had a wisdom tooth pulled and got a prescription for meds and cried in the parking lot afraid to leave until my sister came and took the paper prescription away from me.
    i get weekness for opiods. trust me, i really do. i'm assuming you have been flagged where you live with just about all your docotrs and the pharmacies as well. but i think some doctors take it too far and they need to get off of that script for people who legit need it.
    however, you said you made it through the most horrible pain without the meds. so i know it was rough but i know you can do it again. and eventually you won't hurt as bad. i hope i'm not sounding cold, but remember how that detox made you feel like you wanted to die? ( i just assumed that )
    taking those pills will lead more than likely to that detox all over again. i'm not saying you don't need something medically-right now i'm taking something i must have. but think about what you went through really hard before doing anything.
    i trust you will make the right decission. as far as them being able to cure you of this disease i am so glad. and i will pray it stays gone.

    just something i've noticed-since i got clean i have had more reasons to take pain meds,and had to say no, than ever before when i was using...i don't think that's coincidence
    keep us updated. glad you are well.
    deanokat and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  10. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Hi all...
    so it is Saturday night. About a week since my street buying of 10 oxys. I have 3 1/2 left. I have some tramadol left (took about 4) and 1/2 the somas left.
    The addiction even on this amount is in full force (or I'm just scared of how I'll feel when I do run out and projecting)...the monster is for sure awake.
    I did need them. The headaches were very bad. I have been reading tons on reputable sites of Cushings after surgery and they say the headaches should subside 1-2 weeks after surgery which is about now. So, I will not go to buy more or ask the doctors to please give me something. They won't anymore anyway and I have to get off of them sometime so I am being very careful and only if the headaches (forget the muscle aches that go along with the recovery) are horrific will I take anything.
    Ok, all justifications aside...I still have NOT told my sponsor.
    I have one foot in recovery and one foot out it feels like and I've been here before. It never ends well.
    But one thing I am doing differently is being honest here and in my meeting. I went Weds night and last night to my NA meetings. My Weds meeting is small and I feel very comfortable there. The people in that group have known me for years. I spilled the whole truth and I have never done that. I always sat there like I have it all together and swept it under the carpet. I didn't justify it or anything. I think this matters.
    Its the lies I tell myself that I start believing that take me out big time in relapse and it always takes years to come back from and yes, Josh...I wanted to die that last time from the withdrawals.
    I am still agitated and have some anxiety even though I haven't run out of meds and am not just taking them when I want so I know tapering or being off of them completely won't feel good.
    I don't have any promises to make or exact plan of action but I just wanted to stay connected to you all and update you on what is going on with me.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    We love you regardless and I believe you will figure it out,surgery sucks and recovery from surgery is painful,your not alone in having surgery set you back it happened to me as well when I had knee surgery.

    STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    Dominica, deanokat and liliann like this.
  12. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    That makes me feel so good and not alone. Thank you xo
    Dominica, True concern and deanokat like this.
  13. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Hi Liliann, i'm sorry you are dealing with this. that might sound very shallow, but consider who it's coming from- a fellow addict, i promise you it's not shallow, and heartfelt.
    you clarified that -- yes Josh...I did want to die during those last withdrawals. i believe you clarified that because i said i assumed you felt that way. but truthfully i needed no clarification. also i wouldn't have said that if i didn't know you felt that way. and i knew that because i have felt that way i don't know how many times....only to do the same thing all over again. durring my 14 or 15 -closer to 15 - years of abuse i almost got clean and sober a handful of times. really. it was that handfull of times tho that i kept one foot in and one foot out of the door with being honest -not necessarily with others but with myself, about my sobriety. and that is why i was not successful.

    one time tho i really was going to be successful. and then i had a very bad epileptic episode that lasted for days. usually it can be managed at home with an ativan shot or something. but i was not just coming off of heroin i was coming off of xanax and coke all at the same time. i knew i was gonna have a siezure and told my sister to just give me my ativan shots ( i keep 3 ) i thought that that would do me through the withdrawals.
    well i wake up it the hospital and my mom is there and my dad is there and i had no clue what was going on. i had iv's in both arms. i had apparently gone into a siezure that used up a whole shot. then another and still was not concious. then another and when i ran out of shots my sister called 911 and told EMS my history and that i was detoxing cold turkey at home.
    so those iv's i had were 1-valium, 2-morphine, 3 saline with ativan added a few times a day, and a prescription for methadone when i was sent home. yes a prescription for methadone to an addict from a hospital. think i didn't relapse? heck i was relapsing in my mind before i was even concious. i'm not even joking about that. i remember waking up and my first thought was on whatever kind of drugs i was feeling. not what happened...
    i would have made it that time ( or died i don't really know ) if my sister had let me be. but i think she probably did the best thing. the doctors told me i would have died without the drugs also because i got angry at one point.
    i told you all of that to let you know that more people have been excactly where you are with a medical condition NOT helping in their recovery. in my case epilepsy. but i wanted you to know how much i can relate and i know @True concern can relate. i was really hard on myself after that, and gave up for a while. but sounds like you have not done that. and please don't. i also understand the anxiety from running out of meds. it is mostly pshycological. i know that doesn't change that fact that it's very real. but we are here for you and many of us get where you are at right now more than we wish we did. i say that with love and empathy also.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @liliann... We're always here for you, no matter what. Remember that, okay? If I were you (and I'm not), I would be totally honest with my sponsor. You might be surprised at how they react. And if they decide to dump you, you can find someone who is more understanding.

    Love and hugs coming your way.
  15. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Hi Josh,
    You've given so much of yourself on this site and so much to me. Thank you for sharing additional parts of your story I didn't know before.
    I have not given up. I am trying to stay connected and that is something I always let go of and just "use".
    So I am not "using" in my mind and trying to stay "cash register" honest.
    But I am half measuring it (not to be shooting the second arrow at myself). Half measures get us nothing, right? Not even half results. I need to come clean with my sponsor. I call her during the week (I have weekends off from that). So I will pray for courage.
    For today the pain unrelated to this surgery but to my May 14th shoulder surgery since I started physical therapy on it Friday and it killed is very bad and I have been in and out of bed all morning and taken a tramadol. I will get through all this. I do know. I am also praying for patience with my physical recovery. I do believe my higher power has my back...all I have to do is ask. He got me through the Mayo Clinic surgery and can take me the rest of the way. I am so thankful for you and you all and this site as a place for honesty and support and real caring. We are becoming a nice little family here. It is very special to me.
    I know this will help another somewhere along the way...our purpose right?
    Tons of thanks and love.
  16. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Dean,
    So right!
    they say people come into our lives for a season or a lifetime but for a reason and yes, i need to be honest and tell all and let the results be what they may.
    there are many people out there as guides and that i'd like to emulate.
    I love my sponsor and know even if she does dump me that she still will love me and I her. I think it is mostly ego that is my fear.
    I'm becoming willing to do it. Another first.
    Funny, just when you're on a beam of recovery something in life comes along and can knock you off...showing me more and more how important a foundation is. I do think I have been building a decent foundation and that I am probably doing much better than I think I am.
    I will keep you posted.
  17. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Not to get off track but @Dominica are you Ok? If I remember correctly you live in Louisiana and I can't help but worry
    deanokat, Joshstillclean and Dominica like this.
  18. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    if anything that i share helps another person struggling then i am happy. i do wish i had not had some of the experiences that i have had. but just as @True concern shared his experiences and that helped me, i pray i can do the same. i still struggle very occasionally with cravings and most of the time they are blown away with the knowledge of the horrors that lifestyle caused me and my family....my sons mom. a lot of people.
    and knowing that you are encouraged gives me the strength to keep going. i am simply paying forward what was done for me by sharing my story.
    your story has made me cry on more than one occasion. i believe we are a blessing to each other. too many people fail to realize that.
    thank you Liliann for being here, being honest, and being you.
  19. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    you know i feel such a bond with you :)
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Even though this isn't a message to me you know I'm rooting for you and I love you?I hope At least