An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Caught my 14 year old smoking weed (marijuana)... HELP!!!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by The Mask, Dec 2, 2015.

  1. The Mask

    The Mask Member

    I recently caught my 14 year old smoking marijuana and I don't know what to do. I feel like anything I and my ex wife telling him about Marijuana goes in one ear comes out from another. He is bad in school. Very good looking kid and girls are all over him, seems like he is trying to be "cool" kid to attract more attention. When he calls me, it's either about girls or asking me to buy things, but never about how great he is in school and all that. Seems like looking good, girls, iphone and now weed is all that's in his mind right now. He will probably look at this forum. What can you tell this guy? His name is Andrew. Also please tell him how Marijuana rewires his brain and how much harm he is doing to his organs while he is developing. What he will be facing when he turns 40, even by smoking a little here and there. What about other drugs. What about tobacco and alcohol?

    Any help will be appreciated!!!

    Attached Files:

  2. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    There are many myths about marijuana, myths which can be used to justify marijuana use. The first thing you should do is debunk the myths. Be honest. Inform the kid that marijuana can be a mind-altering substance, that it can lower the IQ of young people.

    Try to make him understand that using any drugs can have lots of negative effects on his health, that it will lead to problems not only in school but also elsewhere and might even land him in trouble with the police. Try to get him to face the fact that the consequences of some mistakes, like using drugs can follow him around for life. Tell him about people who are unable to get jobs because they used drugs when they were younger. That trying to look cool had got them in dire straits which they can never get out of for life . . .

    I hope this can help.

    All the best.
  3. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Sorry to know about that. He should be more concern of his studies and not about those things especially marijuana. Maybe he is also doing that to get more attention from you or your wife and I think spending more time with him will be great to understand more why he got into marijuana and all other stuffs in his life.
  4. artyarson

    artyarson Active Contributor

    Why did you bold his name only? What's special about marijunana and the name Andrew?
  5. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    Sorry to hear. But the first thing I can advise you is: don't panic. The kid is young, at the developing age where he may be a bit rebellious, hormones firing up and all that. A lot of kids go through this phase, and as long as it doesn't escalate you shouldn't be so worried. Definitely try to get him off weed and support him, maybe encourage him to get into hobbies or sports. Being athletic helps with the girls a lot too, especially after a few years.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Sit him down and have a talk with him. Voice your concerns and find out why he is doing what he is doing. Keep the lines of communication open. It is so important that your kids know they can talk to you. They need to know that they can come to you. He is at an age where peer pressure is a big thing. He is trying to fit it and trying to figure who he is.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. tasha

    tasha Community Listener Community Listener

    Is he having trouble accepting that you and your ex are divorced? Troubles usually happen for attention when parents split and it could be the problem here. Both you and your wife need to sit down with him and let him know that he is loved and that smoking weed and doing badly is not acceptable and that you are both going to make sure that he grows up successfully as a team. Let him know that smoking is not cool and the attention has been noted.
  8. Scooby Snack

    Scooby Snack Community Champion

    Love this advice.

    But also, tell Andrew that getting girls should not be his primary goal in life. They will come and go, but he must always be the captain of his ship. What are his goals for the future? Does he have any? Or is his goal simply to be popular?

    Seems these days, because we live in the age of social media and the Internet it's much harder to keep kids on track--all they have to do is log into Instagram and see people their age doing crazy things and getting lots of validation and attention for it (and for boys and young men, de-prioritizing female attention is ESPECIALLY difficult!!!!). How does one combat that?
    Winterybella likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I agree with @L_B. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Speak with love and compassion, not anger and hysteria. Be honest about your concerns, and let him know that you're there for him. It could be just a phase for him. Or it could develop into something more. But at this point, stay calm, talk openly with him, and love him unconditionally.
    L_B likes this.
  10. The Mask

    The Mask Member

    I really appreciate your responses. It helps a lot!
    I don't think that my wife and I can sit down with him and talk. She lives in another city, married with another kid besides Andrew and I have my family with 2 kids. Andrew is not stupid, he has attention problem. He is destructed a lot. Reminds me of me, I used to be the same way.
    I never finished school, but at some point I got in to programming and ended up working along with those who has masters degrees... Worked as a software developer for 15 years, delivering better software than others. Since 2009 working on my own as independent business owner. Life is good...
    I was never able to get good grades on the same level as other kids. Studying was boring for me. All adults were stupid in my opinion. I wanted to be that "cool" kid. My parents used to "torture" me with tutors. I hated that...
    My fear is that Andrew is following same footsteps. The only difference is world has changed. When I was interviewed for the software jobs in the beginning of 21st century, market was overwhelmed with work and getting software job was so simple, no knowledge needed, I learned how to program at the job, which was better than any college. Ended up working for the major e-commerce firms...
    If he is like me, the only future he has at this point is McDonalds, depression, drugs and jail... I keep telling him that he can get into GA Tech (he lives in Atlanta) and get into robotics, because robotics is a future, that I will pay for his school, no problem. He thinks I am talking about "star wars" and that I am crazy. I told him, anything he needs as far as school I will take care of it... To him, it does not make any difference. He does not take it seriously.
    He makes selfies a lot and tries to get good looking clothes, watches, gadgets etc.. In my opinion he is trying to be more popular in school instead of focusing on his future. Smoking weed is part of it. I think he feels like if he smokes weed, he can get closer with these girls that smoke weed with him. I keep telling him, those who smoke weed, looking "cool" in school, 100% will end up working at low pay jobs, they will have mediocre degree if they are capable and non popular geeks will be driving nice cars and traveling the world, laughing at the ones who used to be "cool" in school. I don't think that he understands that nor he takes it seriously. There absolutely nothing that I can do to change him now... I think he is a train wreck at this point.... I am so devastated, it is not even possible to describe how much I hate this situation. Only now I understand how my parents felt when I was just like that.... Thanks god I changed and was able to get it together...
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @The Mask... Has your son seen a therapist? Just curious. A lot of times self-medication is done in order to mask feelings that someone is having. My son was depressed and started smoking pot to feel "normal." A therapist might be able to determine if there are underlying issues that is causing your son to want to escape reality.

    Also, I'd like to recommend a book for you to read. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for parents and loved ones of people struggling with substance abuse. It's an amazing book, and I wish it had been around when my son was struggling with his addiction. It teaches you how to communicate with your loved one better, how to be empathetic and kind instead of angry, and how to take care of you (because self-care is critical when you have a child who is struggling). It's the best book I've ever read on the subject. You can read a little bit more about it in this blog I wrote:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    We're here for you, my friend. Reach out anytime.
  12. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    The thing is you lived it. You were him at one time and now as a parent you can see what your parents went through. At his age though you had no idea the hurt you were inflicting on your parents with your behaviour. All you thought about was you and your friends. Sadly a lot of times you only realize it when you have children of your own. It is then that you begin to see things through different eyes. I am glad that you have turned your life around and that you are doing your best to reach out to your child. If I can make a suggestion, instead of telling him all the bad things that can happen to him if he keeps continuing the way that he is, encourage him. Tell him how bright the future can be and all that he can do if he applies himself. Have you shared your story with him? Sometimes positivity can have more of an impact then negativity. I know you are worried as any parent would be. Keep reaching out to him, never stop believing in him. He sounds like he has self esteem issues. He is not confident and just wants to just fit in. All the best. I will keep you and your son in my prayers!
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  13. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @The Mask! Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing. I am really sorry to hear about what's currently going with your son. I believe that you should really consider talking to him seriously. Tell him that instead of being way too attached to smoking weed, he should think about his studies first. This is also for his future so that he can have a decent job someday.
    The Mask and deanokat like this.
  14. The Mask

    The Mask Member

    @dyanmarie25 Do you think in this day and age teenagers listen to adults? He thinks all adults are dummies. I found his wall paper on the phone talking about "snitching" and all that..... I really don't know what to do with this boy. Everything he is doing is wrong. #1 getting bad grades, I saw teacher's letter about him not paying attention at all, #2 his mother is not pressing him to do things right, #3 influence from others, weed, being cool - that's drugs and keeping attention away from school as I see it.... All he thinks about are watches, clothes and girls. Not even once, he asked me to buy him a book. From what I see, this is going the wrong way and he is not trying to do anything to become someone. I really don't know how to explain it to him. He has mind of his own. He thinks some how everything will be just perfect in life. This is so stupid of him... If he gets bad GPA or worth, gets caught with drugs, that will be the end of his career. No office jobs, no education. I try to give him example of his uncle, who is litigation attorney with his own practice. When everyone was partying, uncle was studying. Now he is partying and those who did not study are drug addicts and losers. My son looks at him and only see what this attorney uncle is today, but not 15 years earlier when he was in high school. Anyway I am really lost and don't know what to do. Andrew is a train wreck from what I see today and he is not doing anything to become someone other than loser...
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @The Mask... Contrary to what a lot of people believe, some teenagers do listen to adults. And even listen to their parents. Granted, a lot of them don't. But if you use the right approach to communicating with them, you can at least make some headway in getting a message to them. You should pick up that book I recommended in my earlier comment: Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for parents and loved ones of people struggling with substance abuse. It's an amazing book, and I wish it had been around when my son was struggling with his addiction. It teaches you how to communicate with your loved one better, how to be empathetic and kind instead of angry, and how to take care of you (because self-care is critical when you have a child who is struggling).

    I will keep you and your son in my thoughts and prayers. Don't give up on him, okay?
  16. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    My son went through this too, and it really concerned me to the point that I ended up sending him to a treatment center. Nothing seemed to work with him. He wasn't doing horribly, but wanted to drop out of school and had a number of behaviors that were concerning. He saw nothing wrong with pot...but it had a terrible effect on his motivation. I am not sure what to recommend in this case..but I would suggest reading the book dean recommended. FYI my son is doing great not all stories end up with lifelong struggles.
    deanokat likes this.
  17. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    You are right about being active in getting your son off of the wrong path with marijuana use. Many teens are not aware of the consequences of marijuana use, and mistakenly think it's no big deal to use marijuana. If they were to see some of the long term health and lifestyle side effects of using marijuana, perhaps it would not be considered as cool.

    @Andrew: Marijuana is a waste of time! You are stunting your intellectual growth by using drugs at age 14. You may think you know it all now, but trust me, you will want those brain cells you are killing now later in life! Many marijuana users suffer from paranoia and sexual reproductive issues, too. Doesn't sound so cool to me! Find better things to do with your time. Help others, prepare yourself for college or life after high school, and keep yourself busy with more positive aspects of your life.
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  18. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Have a serious talk with him, this little fella is just in a stage in which he is experimenting and you have to be very honest with him. You need to talk about the dangers of other drugs, alcohol and not doing well in school. Right now he is just a teen, so he doesn't process danger and future consequences like we adults do. Sadly he won't until he grows up, but right now you need to have a very serious talk with him.

    He can't see for himself what the consequences of what he does today will have in 10 years, I know because I was a teen not so long ago and it's a fact teen's brains are not fully developed. So he really needs as much guidance as possible.
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  19. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    As a parent I knew it is very hard to see your son in this kind of situation and having this kind of behaviour. But don't lose hope and just patiently give the right approach and enlightenment to your son until he realizes all his mistakes in life. Just keep praying for your son because there is nothing impossible with God. I just hope that your son will be positively motivated by you as his parents.
    deanokat likes this.
  20. misskrystal1982

    misskrystal1982 Active Contributor

    Don't give up on him. He is rebelling and while pot is not the best thing for a developing brain, there are far worse things he could be doing. Having unprotected sex would be one of them.
    My kids are the same age roughly, and I will tell you how we handle the tough stuff. First, and sometimes this is the hard part, I make sure I am calm and ready to listen. Have someone be a mediator to make sure each side gets a fair turn to speak. Listen and ask him why he is doing these things. If he laughs or blows you off, that is just a defense thing. You have to really be patient and show your really want to know. My teens listen when they want. The key is to no harp and yell. Approach them on their level and truly talk. Then it will be your turn to actually listen to him.
    kgord and deanokat like this.