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Ceaseless Sardonic Stigma

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by aLLeVi8eD, Dec 6, 2019.

  1. aLLeVi8eD

    aLLeVi8eD Active Contributor

    An excerpt from my memoir blog. I have been clean for multiple years now, not from the grace of any God, but from changing my environment, pursuing what I’m passionate about, pushing my previous higher power that failed me time and time again out of the way and started creating my life while taking credit for my accomplishments—not giving any god all the credit for my work—but most of all, from finding purpose. Turning my violent, tragic, albeit funny, past into something positive: writing memoirs of my addiction. Putting myself back into those situations was something I had avoided but was crucial in writing it down on paper. It wasn’t just reliving those moments of pain, violence, and self-pity, no. It was sitting in those moments long enough to recall every single detail that added color to the hellish moment. Yes, it was horrible. I had to start seeing my therapist again until it was finished. But in the end, it was the most therapeutic thing I have ever done. I couldn’t have done it without the guiding hands I’d felt of my loved ones—my girlfriend, my best friend—who had both passed away from overdoses, one being my fault. Maybe God was involved in a spiritual way. I don’t know and won’t ever know until I meet them on the other side. I cursed whatever god had taken them away from me and didn’t take me, the asshole who really deserved death. Death couldn’t have me; though, it tried. I overdosed on crack while driving, going into a grand mal seizure. And had a brief overdose shooting H. But I’m still here and for a reason. That’s my purpose. What changed my whole perspective on life. To share what I’ve been through and how I dug myself out of the hell I had created with those who suffer from the same pain that I had.
    I don’t believe in AA 12 steps but I do believe in a few of those steps—4 which was my writing, and 10-12, meditating, finding my fault in resentments and dedicating my life to helping others.
    This isn’t what I had planned on writing by the way. It was supposed to about the stigma of being an addict. But this came out instead. I hope you get something from it.
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2019
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I imagine the story for many of us is very similar, at a low in my life(one of them)I was injecting 320mg's daily of oxycontin plus a high dose of methadone well at the clinic the addiction specialist told me no matter what because of my tolerance either way quit or dont that I would probably only survive 1 more month,in all honesty I wasn't scared however I was very sad and depressed because I had to face my wife and deliver that message which was the exact moment the feeling of being a complete failure set in,so I did something extremely unsafe and I do not recommend anyone ever try this on a dose like that,anyways I was a broken man and it wasn't from the addiction although in reality that had something to do with it but listening to my wife cry like a baby totally crippled me so I decided if all I have is 1 month regardless I was going to fight like never before in my life.I quit cold turkey and I nearly died twice while I detoxed,I didn't sleep the first 2 week's straight because the pain and sickness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, I puked for over 2 week's straight while I was hallucinating on day 15 I passed out for about 45 mins and didn't sleep again for another 5 day's, I lost 50lbs I absolutely could not walk or stand..I was dieing.My wife begged me to just do a little dope to end the suffering and I refused,I told her if I die this month I die sober and fighting. On day 27 I was able to once again take baby steps and I walked out of the bedroom for the first time in nearly 4 week's. That detox was extremely traumatizing and I cannot even begin 2 describe the intense suffering i went through but a few days later after some food and sleep i went back to the methadone clinic and told the specialist to go fuk himself, I had quit and i was still alive he was speechless, however that detox began the end of my marriage as it terrified my entire family and my wife grew more and more distant until I was eventually kicked out and I still can't shake the emptiness I feel without her.5 year's it's been and I still can't get over her,perhaps one day but I really don't think so
  3. aLLeVi8eD

    aLLeVi8eD Active Contributor

    Are you f***ing joking?! I couldn’t make it past the second day of methadone wd. There was no way for you to detox through a physician? I had to go to a separate rehab for two weeks to detox from the methadone before I went in for another 30 day rehab for my heroin addiction.
    I’m really sorry about your marriage. I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted more than two years lol so I can’t imagine what that must feel like.
    What I do know is, that giving back by helping people, being completely selfless is a good way to make up for negative karma. If you’re doing everything you can to live a positive life, the world will give you want you need. And if it’s her you need, there’s hope. And hope is all we really have.
    But if it doesn’t happen, at least try to see the lesson in it. It’s this dark times in our lives that are the most important, for they’re how we grow as a person.

    Your story is unbelievable though. Have you ever thought about writing your story? There are ghost writers you can pay. **** I’ll write it for you.

    I wish you the very best. If you need or want to continue talking just hit me up here or I can give my number or email.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Brother my story is real and the truth,it was unimaginable agony but I love my wife though she has moved on so I risked dying to prove my sincerity in my vows to her but in the end to little to late.I have thought about writing a book of my life but ultimately I don't know how to piece it together in writing
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I didn't have the financial means or insurance to do it through a physician at the time and time was a major factor, I fought the necessary fight at the last minute but giving up has never been an option regardless of the situation I find myself in
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I can't go back to her regardless anymore, I spoke to her recently and she told me she is happier than she has ever been in her life single,so despite what I want I would never put her back in a relationship with me because her happiness is all I ever wanted and in separating she now has it,though it kills me to admit my failure as a husband and man ultimately set her on a path to real happiness,I am not a selfish man,I am not a man who only wants to make me happy,in fact I only wanted my family happy and my failures have gave them the endurance and conviction to do what's best for them and that to me was always the point even though my method was very UNCONVENTIONAL. I really want to explain the whole story of my 20 year marriage and how it all unfolded but its already here on the site just not in order.
  7. aLLeVi8eD

    aLLeVi8eD Active Contributor

    That is some real stuff. I feel the same way sometimes, like I don’t want to be another burden on someone’s life with the chaotic mess that I’ve just got the hang of maintaining. I haven’t dated anyone since I got clean. But there was no way I could have made time for her or anyone. The discovery of certain revelations and dealing with issues that unearthed during self-reflection was enough for me alone. But life goes on and in my experience, someone always comes along when I finally become happy being single.

    I’m sorry you’re going through that. Even if you hadn’t mentioned that you’re not a selfish person, I could already tell you’re not. As for putting the story together, there are a few apps that help organize it or you can use flash cards. I use Scrivener and really like it.