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Chronic Pain Survivor Single Mother Seeking Help

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Paigesmith041, May 28, 2018.

  1. Paigesmith041

    Paigesmith041 Member

    My name is Paige and I'm in my early 20's. My son's dad (dated four years) made me choose between him or an abortion when I found out I was eight weeks pregnant. I've been alone ever since. I have a beautiful three year old boy who I make sure had always had everything he needs and more... Except a completely sober mom. Even typing that out feels like a knife in my stomach. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Until a doctor prescribed pain meds for my Fibromyalgia when my sob was one, it wasn't this way. But wow.. it was so nice to be able to do things normal, healthy women my age could do. Grocery shop without stopping early and going home because my legs, hips, and back hurt. Taking my son and my little nephews on long walks. Actually getting my house clean and getting exercise. Sleeping at night because I wasn't writhing in pain. I had for so long convinced myself that these things made me a better mother when I had these pills. But of course we all know that isn't how addiction works. I have a bachelor's degree in child development. I've never driven with my child in the car while high and I never leave him with other people. I don't even feel "messed up" when I take the pills other than my pain is gone and I have energy. But I KNOW that I need to fight these demons inside me feuling my addiction to these pills before it becomes a life long problem. I would rather be in pain forever than for my son to grow up thinking pills are more important to me than he is. I would rather DIE than him ever think for one second that I don't love him. I've stopped taking pills, cut out the two friends who enabled me, and told my doctor to cut me off. But from here on out I'm on my own. I am terrified of relapse. Although my son has always been well taken care of, I'm terrified that I'll relapse and get him taken away. Please help me avoid that from happening. It would ruin both of our lives. I'm begging for help on here because I work so much and live in a rural area with so few meetings I'm not sure going to them is a doable option at this moment. I'm all he has besides my dad who is too old to take care of him and I'm scared to seek substance abuse counselifc since they are mandated reporters to DCFS. I want to get this problem tackled without my son having to become traumatized. Involving mandated reporters in my recovery is a last resort option for me. I know my son isn't in danger. I have never not been able to get him what he needs. I NEVER want my addiction to lead to that which is why I have decided NOT ONE MORE pill. Please help me with any advice at all. Thank you.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Paigesmith041 Welcome to the site and thank you for reaching out.Your story is a unique one and usually i throw around some hellish deterrent's but i don't have any for you because what i just read is in my opinion is not a story of addiction as you have a disease that causes chronic pain,thoughi in no way condone abuse i just don't hear abuse in your story.Most of us addicts start with something and increase it to the next stronger what ever it maybe,you however decided to take something that helps your legitimate pain and learn to fear it probably because you are aware of the simplicity in becoming a full blown addict.You cut out friend's you've labeled enablers and there might be more to that but that's all i know because that's all you shared,you told your Dr no more pill's all of these things are thing's addicts cannot do so easily,however i commend your strength in doing so.What i picked up on is a love so deep and profound for your child that just knowing there is a chance it could grow into addiction you consciously decided to live your life in pain versus ever hurting him and that is a strength i must say is rare and what a lucky young man to have such a loving mother,you are what alot of us addicts wish we had growing up and that's a miracle and I'm sure as he grows he will look at you with pride and love forever.I don't know what to suggest for pain,but i don't think you should live a life of pain however i will say and admit i admire your strength and courage.Stay Strong and God Bless
    Paigesmith041 likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Paigesmith041... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. I'm so happy you found us and took the time to explain your situation.

    I'm glad you've decided to do something in an effort to be a better mother and example for your son; but, like @True concern, I don't think it's fair that you should have to suffer from chronic pain, either. Have you explored alternative methods of pain relief? I'm just wondering if things like meditation, yoga, acupuncture, etc. might help.

    As far as meetings go, there are lots of online meetings you could "attend" if you're interested. You can find a big selection of these meetings on the In The Rooms website:

    We are here for you, my dear. If you need help, support, advice, or just some people to listen to you, you can come here anytime.

    I can tell you are a good soul and a good mother. And I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I am also sending you tons of positive energy, hope, and encouragement.
    Paigesmith041 and True concern like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you for reaching out. First of all, I want to say that you sound like a fantastic mother. I know that you put your child's safety first, and I know that you want to tackle this addiction issue, so you can be fully emotionally present for him.

    If you can't get professional treatment, and meetings are scarce Where You Are, then if I were you I would pour myself into learning as much as I can about addiction and Recovery. There are so many valuable resources online, as well as wonderful books and YouTube videos on the topic. There's also forums like this where you can meet others in recovery and journey together, sharing your experience, strength, and hope.

    It's going to take some effort and some patience, as well as discipline and commitment, also resolve to get up and dust yourself off should you relapse. But you can do it. Remember it's about progress, perfection. Also it may help you to look at this holistically, working on yourself mind, body, and spirit.

    We are here rooting you on. You've got your whole life in front of you, and it doesn't have to be caught up in addiction. Put the time and effort into "doing the work" now, so you can live better later....

    Do you have any sort of recovery plan moving forward?
  5. Paigesmith041

    Paigesmith041 Member

    Thank you everyone for the kind replies. I have begun thinking about a recovery plan. I'm not sure where to start but I've been listening to NA speakers on YouTube in the car to and from work every day and meditation twice a day. I plan to start writing more as well. I need a relapse prevention plan.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Paigesmith041... I'm happy to hear that you've started thinking about a recovery plan. That's fabulous. And listening to NA speakers on YouTube and meditating is great, too. As for writing, I can't say enough about how writing helped me deal with my son's addiction. I think writing--whether it's journaling, blogging, or just super informal jotting down of your experiences--is one of the most cathartic things a person who is struggling can do. So I urge you to write, write, write!!! (I know @Dominica will second that, too!)
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Paigesmith041 hey there! awesome you are listening to YouTube and meditating! woohoo! i'm sure that helps!

    yes, i totally agree with @deanokat that writing is therapeutic.

    as far as a recovery plan, you can always share what you're thinking here and we'll give ya some feedback... :)

    we are here to help however we can!
    deanokat likes this.