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Cocaine use

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Babycakes123, Oct 6, 2019.

  1. Babycakes123

    Babycakes123 Member

    ive been using cocaine now for 2 and a half years. I go a couple days at max without it. I don’t feel the urge to do it, but I love getting high, whether it’s weed, the high of working out, or just having a great day. But I always find myself going back to cocaine, I used the first time 4 years ago, but now for 2 and a half years I’ve been doing it almost everyday. How do I afford it you ask? I sell a bunch of it.

    Why do I spend my time dealing drugs to make money to just do them , or buy stupid stuff, or impress people. My friends and family think I’m a great person, because I do so much for others. But I feel like I’m living a lie, if they knew what I’ve done and the things I’ve done for it. I’ve beaten people up, because they’ve owed me money, I feel like I’m living a movie. Can someone tell me why I feel like this is okay to do.

    The reason I started selling was because I was a broke college kid, now I make 32$ an hour sell coke on the side and still somehow I haven’t realized , money is never enough. And cocaine has made me think this way I think, please someone respond. Let me know I’m not that crazy. Or maybe I am.

    I would consider myself a drug addict because I’ll pop any pill (downers only) anytime. And always feel the need to hang with friends. And we all do it together(my drugs my money) but somehow I still feel empty, I had a great childhood, and have good parents. Why am I like this, why am I the bad kid that parents told there kids to look out for. I wasn’t always like this. Maybe cocaine changed my brain idk.

    On a side note, the cocaine percent I’ve been getting has been 76% average... it’s right off the boat... so maybe I’m just addicted to the high life. Of partying and buying expensive things... maybe I’m normal and this is just another phase I’m going through , I’m 21 years old, fairly good shape, other then I fill my nose with poison, and eat fast food like hardcore. But I walk 20km at work everyday and I workout occasionally. Maybe I’m depressed , but I’m not sad with my life. I’m proud of what I’ve achieved, but I’m not proud of how I got here.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2019
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  2. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hi welcome to the forum @Babycakes123 glad your here. Ill admit it sounds like a fun ride. I used to be the same way when I was 21 I'd do any drug and sell it and I even owned my own business worked hard everyday and partied even harder.

    Here is what I didnt know fast forward to now 20 years later still addicted and I have to fight to stay clean everyday because I severely damaged my brain pathways.

    Here is the science behind what happens when you take cocain. Within minutes it's in your blood and depending on weather or not you have alchohol in your system it does one of 2 things.

    If No alchohol is present it turns into benzoylecgonine and has a typical half life of 1 hour. If alchohol is present in the liver it metabolizes into cocaethylene it's more potent than just regular cocain and its half life is 144 minutes and this is very very hard on the liver.

    My dad passed at 53 and my step mom passed at 34 stepmom had hep c and didnt know it. both from alchohol and cocain abuse both died from liver failure.

    Now here is where cocain and all drugs trap you. I didnt know this at your age you might but I'll say it anyways.

    When we take let's stick with cocain it raises norepinephrine dopamine and serotonin which is a good thing if you want to get high but what happens is our brain will see the unnatural raise in these neurotransmitters and will start to adjust the receptors that these fit in our brain.

    It's called our Homeostatic process and it cant not be beaten. This process will shut down some of these receptors this is called downregulation. It will require more and more of the drug to achieve the high. This is why we build tolerance.

    If you stop taking the drug with a high tolerance then you will have a high withdrawl response. The reasoning behind this is because now without the drug you do not have a normal amount transmitters going into your receptors anymore because you have less receptors, now you will have to deal with the most depression and anxiety and stress that you have ever had to deal with for possibly months until your receptors upregulate again.

    I hope that you can see that you are on a one way tract to somewhere you wont wanna be in the future, stop now. I say it out of love and compassion for my fellow human. I harbor no judgement towards you and wish the best for you.
  3. Babycakes123

    Babycakes123 Member

    Thank you, I appreciate the kindness, it’s hard to quit. I’d admit it, I can’t stop thinking about it all the time. But I think I can fight it, I guess I’ll just keep updating
  4. Ecantu88

    Ecantu88 Senior Contributor

    I feel your pain with cocaine I can stop for 2-4 weeks or 1-2 months without a second thought but the I binge and then I realize I’m an addict. At 21 I felt I had all the control in the world and just in the few days I’ve been on the forum I realized a lot of my issues have been me killing my brain and making me weak. Clean 4 days now and I’m beginning to fact check better and as I read I am understanding the damage I’ve done. Don’t wait until your 55 to decide your an addict do that now while your still in the prime of your life.
  5. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Moderator

    i used to beat up folks. used coke alot...-31 now going on 2 years clean. 15 years of use.
    i beat people up because i was angry and hurting. but i never elt like it was ok todo in fact i knew i was doing somethig wrong.
    i sold H to support my habbit - i even got sober people hooked to make more money for my habbit. i felt guilty tho.
    i cannot tell you why you feel liek this is ok to do.
    you said somehow you still have not realized money is never enough...that tho is a contradiction.
    you must have realized this to say it. ten year ago i was sitting in a friends house high as a kite when i found out my GF was pregnant.
    she stopped - i didnt...i knew this was not ok, but did it anyway.
    i think you do know. i think you do want to change. this seems to be a question more of morals than critical identification of steps to overcoming addiction.
    but friend, 10 years ago, i wish i would have quit with my sons mom.
    we would still be together probably, i wouldnt have lost everything and for a while even lived homeless because i got to the point where i wanted nothing but heroin and coke, then benzos to sleep and start over.
    sounds like a very dangerous road your going down.
    i was 24 yrs old- geeked up - and got ripped off by a guy that i bought from for the first time.
    when i was 24 i was at my lowest and had nothing to loose.
    i was used to fighting but this day SWIM was also 24 with nothing to loose and he did domething unthinkable.
    SWIM was in my excact stuation, and he let the guy run a good way away before he sent birdshot flying into his back.
    i guess SWIM peppered him.
    anyway i talked to SWIM about this new low- he actually did that. what was next?
    well, SWIM got his. and then some. but he deserved it.
    anyway, back to me, i didnt want to become a monster like that guy so i put down drugs for a while. except for one of the worst ones -alcohol. well i ended up a heroin addict.
    im telling you your gonna make the wrong person mad one day. its only a matter of time.
    in your post you didnt say you wanted to stop - in fact you wanted us to reassure you that you were not that crazy! sorry man, i have been down this road and i will not try and make you feel better about any of the choices you are making, or your actions.
    you mentioned some bad stuff. thats not ok at all. i hope you read this and repost and ask for help to quit. and soon.
    in your first paragraph you say " How do I afford it you ask?'' i didnt ask in fact i didnt want to know.

    you get off on the lifestyle, in fact you mentioned a movie- like you feel like your in one. you like the excitement of the fast life.
    live fast and die fast, live hard and die harder.
    this post has not one question about recovery. i get that you are having the time of your life right now, i really do. but your the kid that parents tell other kids to stay away from because you are doing things that parents who love their children dont want them to expereince the suffereing that you will experience soon. you dad "state" that question so i answered it.
    $32 bucks an hour...
    i worked for GM on flat rate as a trasmission technichian. transmission diagnostics at the dealership was 120 bucks an hour charged to the customer and as the tech my cut was 70 dollars an hour. i still sold drugs inside the shop. its the lifestyle man. and its sad. if its sex then thats never enough. i went down that road too.
    you didnt ask, but ill tell you. you need to stop feeding your need to be recognised by others. stop poisoning yourself. at 21 your not to concerned with the future, i get it. 31 gets there fast. then you wonder why you cant remember your can take all of our advice (which should say something since we all say the same thing and we all regret it) or reinvent the wheel and hopefully live through this.
    and then like all of us ask yourself ---- why didnt i listen when they warned me?
  6. Babycakes123

    Babycakes123 Member

    @Ecantu88 @Joshstillclean @Onceaddicted77 , I appreciate all of the feedback, I need to start looking into either just quitting cold turkey, Just because I don’t want to go through the rehab programs. I trust myself that soon I’ll be able to say I’m completely sober, and I wish all you three the best as well, this is the first time for me to be able to put everything just clean out onto the table.. I currently haven’t seeked out for help in the past, purely on feeling embarrassed of not having self control.
  7. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    No problem my friend I hope you figure out how you want to live your life and who the person you want to be is.

    I can tell you from my experience chasing it, that money by itself will never be enough, it will never fill that void. Money is a tool to be used to live life, dont let it run your life.

    There are happy rich people and very sad rich people and the same for middleclass and poor because happiness dosnt come from money it comes from within. It's our perception of life that brings us happiness and we can change that to whatever we want it to be.

    Go and live life and enjoy doing and seeing new things and find a true meaning and purpose to your life. That will take you further than money or drugs ever will.

    Not lot of people want to admit that a drug has power over them but it's nothing to be ashamed about it dosnt make you less of a person.

    Anybody can get hooked on these drugs. It takes real courage to ask for help and admit you have a problem. Good luck my friend, I wish you best and happiness
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2019
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Don't be embarrassed, speak from your heart not your high and we will help lift you up.

    Joshstillclean likes this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Your a coward looking for rationale
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I am going to pray you have the nerve to return tomorrow but for now pound your chest soldier you have the world figured out,now look at your wife and tell her from the heart (It will all be ok)and mean it
  11. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    Whoa! Is this aimed at me bro? I’m trying to simply massage a guys young ego. It seems to me that this is an example of enjoying the drug without destroying oneself or anyone surrounding him. An acceptance part of the increasing narcotics society no?
  12. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    My apologies come back tomorrow please,I admit I may have gotten a bit upset and for that I apologize
    Elleous likes this.
  13. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I can never condone it,will never accept it but I understand your point ,however look at what it's done to the can only think of one's self for so long before you truly become a man
    Elleous likes this.
  14. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    I agree with you completely. But it’s taken over the world and become more socially acceptable than non users wish to believe (unfortunately for them) it’s only a matter of time before the world accepts that the war on drugs is failing and they become legal and taxable
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Perhaps that's why people like myself try to see all sides,deliver hooe,give perspective in a non judgemental way...after all I am an addict myself for the most part in recovery however I won't lie at time's 3-4 day's do vanish
  16. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    I wish you well in recovery if that’s what you wish for yourself. Only you have the answer. I hope you find guidance here.
  17. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    Life is a gift. It’s not about how many breaths you take. But the moments that take your breath away. Don’t waste days coming down off a thing that can be eliminated from your life. Seek help and reassurance that you are more than an addict. You are in control of your own destiny
  18. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Brother I'm a work in progress but I have made leaps and bounds from where I was,understanding is a huge part of recovery
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  19. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Brother I know I'm recently published in the field of addiction and mental health and I've been asked for 10 more articles in the positive
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  20. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    If you need a hand let me know
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.