Friends, I've only recently been reaching out for help (past 2 years through medical channels), never on a forum like this. Short story. Lifetime addict and military. Complications from 1 Iraq tour and 2 Afghanistan tours. Traumatic brain injury (several), post traumatic stress, major depression, suicidal thoughts (no plan, currently safe), in patient treatment this past summer and just trying to daily cope. I've seen hellish things in war but have always struggled with addiction. The more difficult my mind/memories came to live with, the more I coped with alcohol. Some other history. All my brothers who I loved very much have died (1 of overdose, 1 car accident, 1 of complications from a life of addiction). A few years back mom died. I'm not a very good griever and mostly denied it. The only thing I really love is a drink. I've tried to quit many times. Today I've fallen again. What's most frustrating is that I'm a person of faith. I have no doubt that there is a God, Jesus died for my sins, and that I'm forgiven. I think the saddest part of my existence is that I think with hope that one day I'll be diagnosed with a terminal illness and told - "you've got xx days / months". Outwardly I'd show sorrow, but in my heart I'd be happy that there would be an expiration date on my suffering.