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Complex reasons for oxycodone use. Don't know where to turn

Discussion in 'Prescription Drugs' started by Reah Darr, Jul 5, 2018.

  1. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Reah Darr one day, or one hour, or one minute at a time! keep trying...and know that we're here for you in any way we can be!

    hope you have a blessed day.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    You CAN do this, @Reah Darr! I know you can! And we are here to help you along the way! Stay in the moment and don't get too far ahead of yourself, my dear.
    True concern likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I just re read this post of yours and in NO way did you fail,you stumbled but anyone who is being honest about recovery will admit they have done the same, myself included, way more time's than I care to admit but I keep pushing forward and trying again and it's important to not get to hard on yourself and keep trying and I KNOW you can do it,also YOU are as strong as you thought because you are still pushing towards your goal and that absolutely takes incredible strength.You can do this and you don't have to do it alone,everyone here is on this journey with you and we are all rooting for you. Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    How are you doing today, @Reah Darr? Just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. And that I believe in you.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  5. Reah Darr

    Reah Darr Active Contributor

    Hello everyone. I hope it's OK that I post considering that I am back taking the meds again. A lot has happened since I fell off the wagon (do they still say that sort of thing?) but not forgetting all of the kindness given to me here. I have decided to once again set a taper down target. What I am afraid of is that since I failed I won't be able to muster up the resolve to start again. I have to do it. I know that. It's just that since I failed after being so confident (that's not exactly the right word but all I can think of that's close) that I could beat this, I need to come up with a mindset that makes it all new so that I don't easily fall back and equate it to my last try at this. I think I learned some lessons but those lessons drag me down rather than giving me optimism. It's late where I live and I fear that I am not making a whole lot of sense. I know from my own history that I have to make this next try a whole new ballgame with new ideas to replace the ideas that failed.
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Reah Darr you post here high as a kite or sober as a judge(the sober judge thing always makes me laugh) my point being the beauty of this forum is it's truly caring nature,we are far from some secret society with membership qualifications,infact we are the exact opposite, here we accept you how you are and understand the journey to sobriety is not easy or none of us would be on here.Another thing you have no where near failed, your still above ground,your still being honest,your still trying...if you had failed these qualities would not exist.We are happy to hear from you and there is no judgment here.How is your husband doing?How are your ribs feeling?Im going to also ask how are your guts?,but I know Thats part of the appeal of those pills,they "Slow"thing's down in that area and i want to be honest with that aspect you need to clear your bowels out because they longer it stays in the more likely the waste is to poison you so if your not going because of the pills you need to at least take a stool softener to get thing's moving, unless that's not an issue, im just concerned that's why I mentioned it.Anyways glad your back to chatting with us,you were missed.Stay Strong and God Bless
    lonewolves, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Reah Darr hello there! thank you for reaching out. recovery is a journey...a process..and change comes over time. you're progressing, maybe three steps forward, one step back, but you're still progressing, learning the whole way.

    maybe think of one new tool you can put on your recovery tool belt... and try it!

    and yes, we are surely here anytime. i hope you're feeling better physically.... how is your husband getting along?
    True concern likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    We are here for you no matter what, @Reah Darr. No judgment at all. You are making progress, and that's what matters. Just keep taking steps toward recovery, no matter how small. Because even baby steps will eventually get you to where you want to be.

    Reach out and lean on us ANYTIME!
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  9. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hi Reah Darr and all,
    I was looking through the forum and found your original post and read it but not all of the pages after. I did see this last one though and although I am super new to being clean (at this go at it anyway) I did get off of almost 200mg a day of oxycontin mixed with other substances in June by going to a detox facility for a week. That is much different than your dosage but I can identify instead of comparing the two situations. You were trying and hopefully succeeded in getting clean. If you haven't yet and are still on the site I highly suggest what everyone else did, especially the story that was shared about the emotional aspect of the drug, that an addictionologist is the way to go. Along the way I found that a support group is the only way I can keep from relapsing on any substance and that I must remain free from any and all drugs including alcohol.
    My mind for sure found many justifications to stay on the oxycontin and even off of them with all my aches and pains coming to the surface it is so necessary for me to have the constant support of NA or a support group to stay clean each day a day at a time.
    I am sorry for all that is going on in your life but I know I am sorry for all the things I wasn't 100% present for but thought I was. In looking back I would have been different in all those situations where I needed to be there whether for a dying brother or pet or just daily life. I can only see that looking back and change this going forward.
    The flip side is it hurts more...emotionally mostly. But that is living.
    I hope you are clean and if not, that this helps you want to be. Nobody here or in support rooms judges...it is safe...and i commend you on your reaching out and raw honesty. That is huge.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    How are you doing, @Reah Darr? Check in with us if you get a chance.
    Liola and Dominica like this.
  11. Reah Darr

    Reah Darr Active Contributor

    Hello everyone. I have thought of this forum every day since I lapsed. So much has happened in my life. I really have nowhere to write about this or talk about this so this may be lengthy.

    I really thought I had it going on as you can see from my earlier posts. But I just couldn't do it. And now I am going through the old fear factor that brought me here in the first place. I am taking approx. 20 to 30 mg of oxycodone a day. My guts are almost stable which is the one thing that I started down this road in the first place for. My husband isn't doing well... he has lost seventy pounds since December this past year. His mind during the day is just fine but his hearing and eyesight are failing. At night they have him so drugged up that he doesn't know where he is. All due to his stage IV cancer.

    They have switched out his oxycontin/morphine pills to methadone and have cut back his oxycodone pills because the methadone is working well on his pain. Working better than the morphine. He is way more alert which is great. As a result, there are fewer oxycodone pills available. That has actually helped me in keeping mine at a bare minimum.

    I heard on the radio that people on Medicare will have to be drug tested at their yearly check up. So of course that freaked me out. I worried about this stuff and thought that I was over reacting (I'm good at that) and then it becomes a fact

    I am desperately trying to figure out how I can tell my doctor what has been going on and why I am now dependent on these damn things BUT I don't want it on my "permanent record." I want to be able to spill my guts (pun intended I think) without being labeled and have it follow me endlessly. I've checked for an NA support group here where I live but no luck. There is an AA meeting place near where I live and I may stop in when I see a meeting going on to ask if anyone there can point me in the right direction. And I just received a letter from my doctor telling me he has retired... I am at square one trying to find a doctor who is taking medicare patients.

    So that is where I stand now. And for fear of sounding like a broken record, I thank all of you who have reached out to me at this confusing and complex time in my life. I just don't have the courage or the strength to try the tapering down just yet. I am not going to say that I feel like a failure; I am responsible and attentive to my husband's needs 24/7 and I don't regret it or feel aggrieved. I feel lucky in that I have had this "long good bye" with him. So many people lose their loved ones in the blink of an eye. I need to write this all out here in a safe place and I hope that soon I will be able to start again.
  12. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Reah Darr

    Hello there. I'm so glad to hear from you. Thank you for taking the time. I'm sorry that you're still struggling and that your husband is declining. I'm sure that is quite challenging for you. He is blessed to have you as a caregiver.

    I do hope that you can find a doctor that you like and feel safe having discussions with. I know it's challenging to be honest with a physician about an addiction, but perhaps it will be of value to you. Maybe they will be able to point you in a good direction when it comes to detoxing and support. And sometimes when AA is the only support group available, it's okay to go even if you are a addicted to drugs and not addicted to alcohol. It's something you can talk to them about but I think that the face-to-face support may be of help to you.

    We are always here to listen and support you however we can. Again, thank you for reaching out and letting us know how you're doing. Sending prayers your way!
    deanokat, True concern and Liola like this.
  13. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hello Reah Darr from me the newbie too.

    I'd like to share some of my experience with you. Its like I said before not identical but the feelings and the pills are the same. I hope you can get something from what I went through and my outcome...I don't write as well or as softly as Dominica so please know I am not judging although a little pushy in my opinions :)

    I too didn't want to tell any doctor the whole truth and all that did was keep me in a really bad cycle. I had a brother who I was the caretaker of ( cancer ) in about 2013. This is when i discovered oxycontin or oxycodone....i only know they were little blue pills at 30 mg. He was also on those and morphine and I liked both immediately. I was the one to give him his meds and ended up taking one for me, one for him etc. The doctors also tried him on methadone but he wanted to get off of that and that was a very hard detox from him. He hadn't known and never at least out loud accepted that he was terminal...so he didn't want to be hooked on methadone. He detoxed himself and it was hard.
    When he passed I took the almost full bottle of oxycontin. I controlled the mg. and use in the beginning but was both taking it orally and snorting it. The day of his funeral and every day after. The emotional relief didn't enter my mind and I already knew, since I was in long term treatment at 27 and am currently 57, that I was a cocaine and drug addict. I had already been in and out of the AA and NA programs and treatment centers several times....but addiction is so cunning that it will wait and just jump on you any time you forget that you are an addict. That is why meetings are so very important. To keep you cognizant as well as a support group.
    Dominica was so right...even if there is only AA go in. You are welcome there too I am sure. Most AA groups tolerate drug use discussion and help for addicts. In the end, it is all the same. Alcohol is a drug and the programs are almost identical as NA springs from AA. Just go in, sit down, listen, and in your head you can replace the word alcohol with whatever your choice is (oxy). But share that you are there for that and I am sure someone will approach you with a solution if you ask.

    I used to go to AA and when I did I introduced myself as an alcoholic out of respect for the room and I found after a long time that I was hiding in AA by not allowing myself to identify and that gave my addict mind permission to go out and use. So if all you have is AA and there aren't any NA meetings available please keep that in mind that it is possible to identify. Have you gone on the website of NA.org to find a meeting to go to. Where I live there aren't many NA meetings but I drive as far as I have to to fill in days where there isn't one nearby. It is well worth it and sometimes the time spent in commute is good to have for reflection.

    The only relief I finally got was when the pain of getting the pills, them not doing the same thing for me and needing more and more over time to feel them, was greater than the pain of a doctor making notes in my record. I spilled it to an addictionologist begging him to help me.
    It was a very long process of suboxone, lying to him still and going off the suboxone to continue the oxy and adding cocaine in with it all. Then stopping before knowing I would be drug tested for the suboxone to make sure I wasn't doing other drugs (like the oxy) and I would go back on the suboxone. This went on a long time. Then I needed surgery and convinced all the doctors I needed the oxy. This is after my brother had passed.
    I was miserable because I was having to buy them on the street as 120 pills a month weren't enough.
    I had to get help. Once I spilled it to my doctor I felt such relief. I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I just could not break the cycle. I wanted to be able to but couldn't and I couldn't get myself to a meeting or tell anyone. But I did like I said eventually tell my doctor.

    I am fortunate enough to live in a city where there are addicitionologists. I don't know if you are in or near a city but I highly suggest you seek one out as soon as you can.
    Like my addictionologist said to me as I was lying to him and believing my lies...he said "there is nothing worse than an aging addict". That hit me. I imagined myself getting to be an old lady still using pills to get through the days.
    The fact that you are taking your husband's and I am assuming you are...you could have your own rx I couldn't really tell from what you wrote, medicine is indicative that there is a real addiction here that before you resort to other sources or die, that you get some professional help and medical detox.
    Like the others said here to you, we aren't doctors, but from my personal informational searching and experience, I would not do anything including tapering or trying to without being under a doctors care. Tell them the truth and save yourself instead of letting your pride or ego keep you sick and don't kid yourself...you could die from this.

    Don't mean to be so blunt and harsh but it is the truth and I never believed it when I was told this...especially when you are doing a controlled amount and functioning and going through all you are but it is the truth. Your use hasn't gotten uncontrollable YET. You don't have to go down to that level and you don't have to do it alone. Just think about it please...find a doctor and tell them the truth...even if it is a primary doctor on medicare...ask for help and guidance to save your life let alone your mind and health.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
    deanokat, True concern and Dominica like this.
  14. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Liola what a great comment here... insightful and helpful..... i think honesty and bluntness certainly can be beneficial, so preach it girl :)
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Pure,genuine, sincere,inspiration....addictionologist huh?I may look into this myself when I search for a therapist, whatever it takes...i want my life back .I know this wasn't for me but it helped me too.Thank you:)
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  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Reah Darr... I am keeping you and your husband on my heart and praying hard for both of you. Please reach out to us anytime you need to, because we are here and we care.

    @Liola... Wonderful insight and wisdom. Thanks so much for caring and sharing!
    True concern, Liola and Dominica like this.
  17. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Whats going on with you True? I must have missed something...:( I'm going to try to look on your page
    Dominica likes this.
  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I had a relapse.It was a one day thing but still it happened so I had to re focus and start counting time again, I am past 1 month again so keeping the faith and pushing forward
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  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am curious is an Addictionologist just for people currently using?Or do they help people who are still struggling but not using?
    deanokat likes this.
  20. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern My idea of an addictionologist is a physician who specializes in addiction... They are experts in the field, and approach recovery using a full spectrum of addiction (meaning, biology, psychology, and sociology...rather than simply behavioral... They are certified... able to prescribe meds, etc.... but my knowledge is limited... If I find out more, I will let you know....

    And i would think they treat those in active addiction and those in recovery....(to help prevent relapse)

    Hugs!
    deanokat and True concern like this.