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Concerned wife

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by ConfusedWife, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. ConfusedWife

    ConfusedWife Member

    I found out a little over a month ago my husband has been using meth.... he said he was only using it recently so I'm not sure exactly how long he was using.. when I confronted him he told me he would stop and that he wanted to do it on his own. He stopped for a week and relapsed again.. after the 2nd relapse he was a month clean, but just last week he didnt sleep for 2 days and wasnt eating much.. the neighbor uses heavily and my husband always goes over there.. I told him I dont want him around him anymore and my husband just tells me I need to trust him and stop doubting him.. at this point I'm not sure what to do or how to help as I have tried to help him before by being here for him, taking care of him, and including myself in activities and things he likes to do. I have recommended maybe living elsewhere. I have a son (not with him) and I'm afraid word will get to my child's father and my son getting taken from me. I dont want to give up on my husband but at the same I feel my husband isn't doing anything to change.
    Lili and Lynnette like this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. It sounds like it's time to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with your husband and set some firm boundaries. If continual drug use is a deal-breaker, then you must let him know this and be ready to follow through with consequences. If that means leaving if this continues and he doesn't reach out for help, then you must be ready to leave. It is important that you have a safe environment for your child. Having illegal drugs in the home or sketchy Behavior can be an issue.

    Some people in similar shoes will attend a support group such as Nar-Anon to get some face-to-face support from other loved ones of addicts. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to cause him to change... it's easy to get addicted to his behaviors or his watch out for that...

    I know it's a challenging position to be in. My heart truly does go out to you. We're here to listen and offer support as we can.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ConfusedWife... Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your husband, but I'm glad you're looking for a way to make things better. And I'm glad you reached out.

    @Dominica is right: It's time to get honest with your husband and set some serious boundaries. Unfortunately, you can't fix your husband. Like Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach us, we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Your husband has to be the one to make the conscious decision to change. If he's not willing to get help--which I think he needs--or work hard at quitting on his own, then you probably need to re-evaluate your relationship. You have to remember that YOUR life matters, too. And the life of your son matters, too. Having a husband who's using meth is not healthy for either of you. And you definitely run the risk of losing your son because of your husband's drug use.

    You may want to find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in your area and attend it. There is a lot of help and comfort to be found amongst others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. You may also want to do some reading on the subject of addiction. Here's a link to some books that might help you (Note: The Beyond Addiction book is especially good.):

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    I don't know how long you've been married, but I know you're in a tough spot. I just want you to know that you should always put yourself and your son first. No matter what.

    We are here to offer you help, support, and a listening ear. If you have questions or want advice, you can come and lean on us anytime. You can also come here and vent, because we will always listen without judgment. You are not alone. We're here and we care.

    Sending you lots of love, light, and hope.
    ozy_comfy likes this.
  4. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Take your son
    Don't walk, RUN
    Don't look back
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @ConfusedWife .. Hello and thank you for sharing your problem with regards to your husband in this forum. In a married life there will always be ups and down a couple will encounter. And this thing that you are experiencing right now is a different one wherein you are physically, mentally and emotionally affected. If you think he will listen when you will ask and convince him to have a heart to heart talk to change his addiction then it is fine. But if you think he is not interested and he don't care about you and his son then he is a selfish husband and father who thinks of himself only. Maybe its time to think of the good future for you and for your son if your husband does not like to do it together as a whole family. Good luck and take care.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  6. Lili

    Lili Member

    Omg yes please help your situation is the same one im in. My husband is 21 !! & tells me the same & keeps relapsing. We have two babbies. The only difference is that he just stops coming home for like 2 weeks and I dont kno wat to do anymore. Should I stop trying to beg for him to come home & stop looking for him ?? Or should I just let him leave & not come back and just break up or ??
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Sorry i am late to reply, dealing with alot right now but yes... forget the whole thing and move on.
    I am going to tell you that I love my son more than anything and I'm a recovering addict and recovered heroin addict. There was a time when I was homeless and I even got kicked out of the homeless shelter but I showed up at every event that I could for my son...
    Usually got ran off and overdosed once at his, look you can read my posts but I was always concerned about my child. Not to say I was always a good father but I can say even hardcore addicted people who want to be a family won't behave like that.
    Everyone will have their opinion im a chemically dependant person who says that dope doesnt keep you away for weeks at a time if you care.
    Something else could, not dope.