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Confronting boyfriend

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by Waters, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. Waters

    Waters Member

    Being new to this forum I posted under the drug section. Thank you true concern for your reply.

    For some background on my boyfriend is my best friends brother. His sister and I know he has a drug problem and have addressed it to him together two years ago. Since then he has been back and forth with his use but it recently has become more frequent. I’m afraid if we don’t confront him now it will get worse for him. in the past when his sister and I confronted him together he was pissed at me for telling her his business and teaming up with her. But we are the two people in his life left that have stuck with him throughout it. This week we both saw what was so obvious his addiction at separate times and have growing concern for his well being.
    My question is do we confront him again together or each bring our concerns separately? I don’t want to lose his trust in me for “bringing his sister into t again” but I also feel he will try to manipulate us if his sister and I are alone. He already tried to separate me from her so he can tell us different stories and les. If we are together we can possibly stop that from happening.
    cheffy and True concern like this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I respond because I care,you do not need to thank me however out of respect for your respect I say your welcome.Continue to confront him together,it will always be easier for him to ditch one of you separately but together it will torment his addiction to consider erasing you both at once,basically together it will piss him off however he is probably not turning his back on you both at once but separately it may happen.Confront him with love,compassion,understanding, concern,sincerity,a willingness to hear why he is an addict without judgement just a listening ear,a big hug and a question "Will you let us help save your life?"After that question complete silence until he responds and I pray it rips his heart open and his face fills with tears and if that happens you are all on the right path.God bless you all
    Joshstillclean and cheffy like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Let me help you get some opinions and advice from others.......

    @Joshstillclean @Onceaddicted77 @Davers @DoxyMom @cheffy please try to advise this young lady as best you can.Thank You In Advance
    Davers and cheffy like this.
  4. cheffy

    cheffy Community Champion

    I think one thing to do is make sure you aren't being a threat, just a concerned person in his life. He is the one that has to make the decision to change, not you or anyone else. That means though, that if you don't want to come across as a threat, you will need to accept his terms. So if he does not decide to change you need to be able to accept that, but at least he knows you care. Or he may decide to change but only under his own terms. So again, you will need to accept that. Those are the cons. The pros are that if he doesn't want to change but still wants to have your caring and support, you can at least know what's going on most of the time and may be able to watch out better for his safety. In that case you will still be part of his life rather than being tossed away with indifference. And I agree, I think it's a good idea for both of you to do this together too.

    So again, it's a good idea to talk to him without being a threat - tell him you are not there to make him change, but you just want to be a part of it because you may be able to help him, especially if things get bad. Something like that. If he opens up and wants you to help him change then that's great. If he does not want to change, you've at least taken a step forward, and you might still be able to be a part of it all and help in the long run which would be a very good outcome, though it probably doesn't seem like that to you right now. You could also do something like set up one day per week where you both sit down with him and talk about where he's at, what he's doing, and ask if he needs any help. That way you always know that you will reconnect each week to understand what's going on. Open communication is probably THE most important thing at this point so I would do whatever it takes to be a part of his inner circle. Remember, if he ever OD's it will be a lot better if you two can tell the ER people just exactly what is happening rather than making them find out on their own. That's kind of drastic, but you know what I mean... Just some ideas for you - every situation is different, so be creative and come up with some better ways of doing what I'm saying in a way more to his liking.
    True concern and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you @cheffy for your always helpful insight.How are you doing my friend?I hope and pray all is well with you and your family.
  6. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    As every situation is different & assume you just told the short story as the whole story would take pages & pages .

    I wonder what is his drug or drugs of choice are ?

    Can he work ?

    Sounds like confronting him was a good thing ( confronting addicts is never fun ).

    The advice you have gotten is good advice so I don't know what more to say except 'Try' to never give up on him , show love the best you can , & be Strong .
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    If your still watching this im sorry im late to it...
    Here's what I would do. Regardless of the reasons he's using, they are major to him. Take it from an IV user-who never thought as a straight A student, great family.....- is end up on a needle.
    But my family didn't know how to talk to me. Of course they do now, and I pray we don't have to have this talk with my son....anyway I learned this as an addict and someone clean now who is hurting because my brother in law is an addict.
    He HURTS! And the thing is the drug/drugs he's using help that hurt, but also make it worse every time he uses. You said "addiction", so the drugs are controlling his mood/impulse control/cognitive ability all to an extent. When you talk to him realize your speaking to the drug as well.
    Try and catch him while he's not high and just listen. He knows what this is all about. He knows what you want you don't need to say much at all.
    But he's got a sister and a GF he cares for and loves so im sure if you make yourself available-none of this that's not a big deal stuff- he'll at least think about it and that's if he doesn't agree for help then.
    I remember wanting my GF to ask me to get help once. I wanted to see her care. Let him see that. And also since he's on drugs don't expect a normal reaction. Addicts blow everything out of proportion. If you wanna help him understand he's also scared of the detox. We all are-and for good reason!
    Let us know I'm praying for you. I saw it mentioned the other day that someone said that because it was a courtesy.
    No, I really am praying Jesus Christ intervene in this situation.