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Cravings and impulsive behavior

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Josh111187, May 27, 2018.

  1. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Hey, I was thinking about an issue that I'm having but thought it belonged in a different thread, so here it is...
    As anyone who has read my posts know that I have struggled big time with addiction so I won't go into that again. But the problem with wanting to take more than needed of my prescription pills and was running out early still nags at me. When I first found this site I was in withdrawal so bad because of this that I ended up in the Dr's office having a seizure, so I know exactly how terrible that was and there's no cravings strong enough to get me to repeat that.
    Last night I was going to take my night dose of valium down another 2.5mgs btw, and noticed that I was running low. Immediately upon realizing that I dumped the bottle in my hand and was ready to take them all and get one last high. Walking to the table to get my water I realized what I had done, it wasn't really a contious decision. It was just something that I did impulsively.
    Having been there and done that I would never take all my meds up and have to deal w/consequences again. So I put all but one dose back in the bottle thank God.
    Anyone else who is getting completely clean experienced second nature like impulsive bad behavior? Is this just me? I wonder about this because at this point I'm enjoying being sober so what's going on?
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Josh111187 Yes we all have been there,as addicts we forget rapidly the hell we went through when it comes to seeing the final amount and acknowledging that it could keep us from being sick for a few days or it could be an instant high.Will power is wonderful but a person doesn't really learn how much they have until they are faced with a choice exactly like the one you just experienced,but you again have made progress because in the face of that choice you choose correctly.You know i won't even lie here i have to take pain pill's to be able to walk because of pending knee surgery and I'm out as my surgeon only gives me enough for a week at a time but I'm lucky in some ways and stubborn in others.I fuc×ing hate the pill's and even without them im going to consume my day in extreme pain spending time with my wife and kid's.I refuse to allow pill's to further the distance between me and my family so though i can barely walk today i will push through the pain as i absolutely hate that i have to rely on them to function so if i hurt physically it is nothing compared to the sadness it left me with as i lost them all so fu×k the pill's is simply how i feel anymore,but yes again it's your subconscious mind trying to keep you trapped but your doing great and i commend your courage to take your life away from a pill bottle that only wants to own your soul.Pray my friend the Lord understands
    deanokat likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Josh111187 so glad you put those pills back in the bottle!!! i think that you're not alone in that temptation, and the mind can certainly try to pull a fast one on you!!

    so happy you are doing so well, despite continued cravings and such... your story here is inspiring and motivating for sure!

    happy sunday!
  4. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Thank you both for the encouragement and support.
    And I really hope that your leg pain gets better soon, you'll be in my prayers.
    I am with you all the way when you say that it's physical pain over emotional pain any day. One of the most frustrating things for me when I have gone to certain groups or individuals,even doctors and tried to convey exactly how much emotional pain my addiction life has caused me, is that they don't understand.
    Even if they meen well and they probably believe that they do understand,they really can't. Unless you have lived it, I meen truly been trapped inside a chemical dependent body(which I don't wish on my worst enemy) you can not know how bad it can be. I'm glad I found this site. It's helping me, I hope I am helping others.
    My sister just the other day commented on a news story about a woman who committed suicide while in detox, wondering what made her do that when she was getting in point, but I totally understand.
    Yes I'm happy for most days now but something is sure trying to keep me tied to those pills. I guess I needed to vent.
    True concern likes this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Vent away man sometimes i just come up with a title and type away on here.i have many random stories here but i need it so i do it
    Josh111187 likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    You're always welcome to vent here, @Josh111187. And I'm happy you didn't take all those pills, too.

    Really proud of the progress you're making!
    True concern likes this.
  7. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Yes! I’ve totally experienced that feeling. Towards the end of my drinking I honestly could not see a bottle of alcohol and not drink it. It sounds silly but it was true. If I saw it I needed to have it. I often used my impulsive/compulsive thoughts as a reason to use again. I distinctly remember, I was spending the night at my boyfriends house when I had maybe 2 weeks sober, I found a bottle of whiskey. I went back and forth for a moment but just told myself to just do it already so that I could get it over with and drink again. After I took the first sip it was like **** it, I was relieved I could drink again. Idk if that makes sense but for the 8 months from where i first started thinking about getting sober to when I actually did that’s how it went. So I lived with my parents the first year of sobriety (which was one of the best decisions I ever made) but when I hit a year I moved back in with my boyfriend. He had gone through the house trying to find all the alcohol I had hidden but as I’m sure you know we addicts are really good at hiding things. So for months after I moved back in I would find random bottles of vodka. Luckily I had a year of sobriety under my belt and had acquired the tools I needed to stay sober through aa. When I would find the bottles my first instinct was to drink them, but I played that scenario through, saw how it would end and dumped every last drop. It’s insane to think 4 years ago I didn’t think I could see a bottle of booze and not drink from it and today I work in a restaurant where there are tons of booze and the thought rarely crosses my mind. It’s like I’ve taught my brain to say, “nope claire doesn’t drink”and that’s that. Don’t get me wrong every now and then I have the urge but the impulsive/compulsive thoughts are so minuscule compared to before.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for sharing your insight, @CMMW. So glad you're sober and that your urges have subsided. :)