Hi. Im kind of new to all of this. Reaching out to others for help in general, but mostly reaching out for help through the interenet or something similar to this. I like to think that i am stronger than to have to resort to this. But a few days ago, i learned that i am, in all reality, not. I found out that i am pregnant. I am 21. I have a baby boy who is almost 14 months. I am still with my babies father. He is a user. We lost our first baby together, tragically, not due to anything drug related. I lost myself. When i found out that i was pregnant with my son, i was a user, up until that point. It had been 4 months that i had been steadily using until i found out that i was having a baby. I immediately stopped. And continued to stay sober and clean for my entire pregnancy. It wasnt until about maybe 2 months after i had him that i started using again.. I have used every single day with an unlimited amount available since then. My life is a complete mess. I feel disgusted. I feel so so sorry for what my child has endured and for all that his father and i have put him through. I do not deserve such a loving, sweet baby. His father and i have only gotten worse as the time goes on it seems. It started becoming violent and traumatic, my memory is shot. It is as if this is all a game anymore. Who can outbeat who? Who is more powerful and who has the control and say so over one another? Its pathetic! Im so hard on myself but how can i not be? I know better than all of this. Yet, im stuck. I tell myself i will not put up with this any longer. And the time comes and my heart aches at the thought of leaving, i have too much hope that one day things will change. I want nothing more than to keep my family whole. I love them so much. It just seems impossible for him and i to see eye and eye. Were the complete opposite anymore. Its like i dont even know who he is, these days. A few days ago, i found out i was pregnant. Like i said its been over a year this time that i have been steadily using. I thought i could just stop, just like before. But i was wrong.. I dont expect my babies father to immediately quit using right along side me, who would take care of our child while we are sleeping our days away attempting to recover? I do eventually expect him to become clean. And not too long after i do, in fact. This has been so difficult. I feel so dependent on it. I dont know what to do. I am a whine tit, attention needing, emotional, easily irritated, bossy, yet thankful, but all around NEEDY person and i lean on him for everything. Sometimes too much and i dont realize that until the disaster has already taken its course and apologies dont matter at this point. How can he be strong enough for me when he isnt even strong enough for his self and he doesnt want to open his eyes and see that. He is in denial. As if he believes nothing is wrong with him being a user in general. Whether i was pregnant or not. I dont know what to do. I need some help. I have never called a hotline. I dont know anything about them. I dont want to get in trouble with the law or get my baby taken away nor harm my unborn child. I dont have that much money and i am unemployed and so is my babies father. I have minimal family. And no friends to talk to. I am feeling hopeless. Please. Anything can help. Please pray for my family.