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Do I tell my boyfriend?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Snow White, Oct 16, 2015.

  1. Snow White

    Snow White Member

    I met my boyfriend while I was at the very end of my methadone maintenance program. I was the poster child of recovery. He very quickly became my new addiction. He is a high functioning alcoholic as well. Through a series of events that were not my fault but the fault of a perverted, disgusting, very wealthy family member, I lost everything. Not having a place for my children to live (and a convenient excuse to pawn my children Off) I moved in with my boyfriend. I quickly got back into opiates and began selling my body for my $500+ a day habit. I found out I was pregnant and pretended it was his for the matter of 24 hours, long enough for him to have his sperm tested since he had a vasectomy. He was very happy at the thought of having a child with me but was soon crushed. He sent me on my way to move 900 miles away to my mother's. I was back in his loving arms in two weeks with plans to give the baby to a Loving home but miscarried the morning after I got back. I remained clean and loyal. We then moved far far away and began a new life. My kids soon joined us and life was pretty perfect. He got extradited back to where we came from a warrant from years ago. I was then left to handle my many children and his very, very, physical manly job all on my own before Christmas. I started using again to give me the strength to be able to handle his job. So I started selling my body again to pay for the pills and Christmas. I was able to find Suboxone and very cheaply as soon as he got out. Which he knows about. The day before he got out I erased every shred of evidence of the life I was leading. Life has been pretty perfect ever since. Now it does not eat me up inside since I have been through so much I am basically an emotional zombie. But this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and this would 100% end us. I guess I just need validation that he does not need to know these secrets since I have and continue to do everything I can to atone for my sins.
  2. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    I think since he's the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, he should know. He could be your support system. You should have open communication with him. Have you done outpatient? If this is a reoccurring problem with you, maybe you should get into some type of treatment. It seems you use to cope with stresses of life and there are definitely other ways that aren't bad for you. I wish you and your family all the best.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Snow White... Welcome to the forum and thanks sharing with us. It sounds like you have been through some difficult times, for sure.

    I've always been a proponent of 100 percent complete honesty in a relationship. That said, your situation is a delicate one. And I'm not sure I have an answer for you. I think you have to reach deep down inside of you and figure out what is best for you. I will say that I think counseling could really help you, and maybe even help you make a decision.

    I hope a higher power is able to guide you to make the right decision. And I hope your life continues on a positive path.

    Peace and hugs.
  4. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Dean, I have to say the same thing. I believe that relationships should be built on honesty but this is indeed a very delicate situation. I want to tell you to tell him but since I am not an expert I won't. Since you brought this the forum I suspect it's something that might still be weighing you down even if subconsciously. I wish I had the perfect answer.

    Secrets...(sigh).Snow white, I am praying you make the right decision with a favourable outcome.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    I am not really sure how to approach your situation. On one hand, I know some secrets can be kept if it does not really relate to your relationship. But in your situation, your secret has something to do with your relationship. But you said that your secret might end your relationship. It really is a tough situation. I wish I know the answer.

    Really, it's up to you what though. I hope that you find the answer within you, we're only here to support and guide you. The decision is still yours to make. Good luck!

    PS. Whatever you choose or decide, I hope that you seek professional help to better aid you in recovery. That will make sure that a relapse won't happen again or even if it did, you can manage it better.
    Winterybella and deanokat like this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I understand your reasons for not telling him but only you know what is best for your situation. I, too, would recommend counseling. It will help you get a lot off your mind and help you to better deal with your situation. After speaking to a professional you may then be able to make the right decision. You have been through so much I am glad that things are going better for you now.
    Winterybella likes this.
  7. This is a tricky situation and truth be told, I don't think I'm the best one to listen to but I'll try and say something: I don't think you should tell him. If it really makes him happier knowing that the kid is his, I think you should leave it at that. A large part of me is thinking tell him because he could find out in the future whether or not the child is his, but to be honest as scummy as it sounds I know quite a few parents who are hiding things like this from their spouses and as long as they don't know, they're happy.

    That's just me, though. I'm not the best at subjects like this. I hope you find the right solution.
  8. lexinonomous

    lexinonomous Community Champion

    I don't think I can validate this for you because I honestly think you need to bring it up. Keeping something like this to yourself is going to bite you in the butt. One day it will come up and he will wonder why you kept it from him for so long. Honesty is the best policy and if he doesn't love you just the same, he wasn't the man for you.
  9. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    Ah, I just feel like lying tends to catch up with you. If you lie about this now and something comes up in the future for something to be questioned (ie. something happens to the child medically and their blood type doesn't match either of you), then it's going to unfold and be a million times worse. I know honesty is hard - real hard, to the point of being deeply uncomfortable at times. But I just don't know that I could sleep at night personally if I was lying about something of that magnitude.

    Again that's just my opinion though. I'm not you and not in your shoes so you need to weigh it up.
    deanokat and Winterybella like this.
  10. Jorge Solis

    Jorge Solis Active Contributor

    I am sorry you had to endure all of that. I can tell you with confidence that not very many relationships where there is no trust from either side actually make it. It is going to take a lot of maturity and responsibility on behalf of your boyfriend to accept this and forgive you. Yet, it is also going to take a great deal of maturity from you to be able to confess what you've done. I think he put you in a very tough position when you had to take over his job. I am sure that any loving boyfriend would understand that you had to make ends meet, no matter how. I also believe that you are a very strong human being. It takes guts and more to even think about what you actually went through just to survive. You are a survivor, you have endured such hardships. My advice to you is this, do not be afraid of telling your story. Own the courage to be honest with your boyfriend, explain the circumstances that led you to do the kinds of things you did. Remember, you are a survivor and you should not be afraid of the truth. I wish you the best in your future endeavors and I hope you and your boyfriend are able to work out all of your issues. Stay strong and learn from the past. Greetings!
  11. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    I think if you rally want someone to spend their life with you, then you need to open up and tell them everything about you. It might not seem like the best idea, but it's not fair to him if he doesn't know what he's getting into completely.
    deanokat likes this.
  12. mooray

    mooray Active Contributor

    I can't speak for your boyfriend but if I was your boyfriend, it would crush me if you tell me. Yes! You should probably tell him but it will destroy him. That is really hard!
    deanokat likes this.
  13. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @Snow White! Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing. I am really sorry to hear about what you have been through in life. Well, I know you're pretty scared about telling these secrets to him, but I believe you should just go ahead and disclose these issues to him. You cannot keep it to yourself forever. You will need someone to support and motivate you to fight your own demons. If you truly love him, tell him the truth. If he truly loves you, he will try to understand and help you overcome these problems.
    deanokat likes this.
  14. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    If you think that this man is the one you want to spend the rest of your life then you should tell him everything about your personal life and you should never tell a lie to your partner. You cannot keep your secret for a long time and there will come a time when it can be reveal that will just cause a problem to your relationship. Honesty in the relationship and not keeping secrets from each other is the key to a long and lasting relationship.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    Is there any chance that he'll find out without you telling him? If not then I'm not so sure you should tell him. Offloading might make you feel better but at what cost? At the very least, it will destroy your partner, at the worst, it will destroy your relationship. Does he need to know?