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Do not know what to do

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Sandra81, Jul 24, 2018.

  1. Sandra81

    Sandra81 Member

    My husband smokes every night after work.Since I met him he always liked his joint.We have small children now (18 months-twins)and he does it anyway. He smokes in the garden,never in front of them but his clothes are smelly.He has a job but he is not happy as there is no signs of promotion.He does not do much at home and he always forgets stuff(his wallet,phone,where he put his credit card and so on).He used be organised.Now he is messy and tired.Does not have any hobbies apart from smoking.How can I help him?I talked to him but nothing has changed.I asked his friend to help me out but he did not like that and we had massive argument after that.He lies a lot and does not care about anything else.When he does not have it he is snappy and on edge.He does not have any goals in his life which is SAD.I want to help him but do not know how.I need some one's advice.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Sandra81... Welcome to the community. I think there's a book that could really help you deal with your husband's pot-smoking habit. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and it's written specifically for partners and parents of people struggling with addiction. It teaches you how to communicate better with your partner, how to talk to them to help motivate them to want to change, and how to take good care of yourself while you're dealing with their issues. It's the best book of its kind out there and I recommend it often. There's also an online companion workbook called The 20 Minute Guide. You can access that for free at this link:

    The 20 Minute Guide will give you a good idea of what the Beyond Addiction book is all about. I urge you to check it out ASAP.

    You are not alone, my friend. We are here to help, support, and listen to you, so please come back and post anytime you feel the need.
    Dominica and Sandra81 like this.
  3. Sandra81

    Sandra81 Member

    Thank you.I will have a look.Cheers.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  4. Observer

    Observer Member

    Hi Sandra.
    I had a little similar problem. I wanted my boyfriend to give up smoking. I hated that smell of cigarettes.
    I started searching for something of use on the Internet.
    Found a lot of good information.
    I've read on about vapes and their effects on health.
    I've decided to persuade him to try.
    And oh God. He agreed (in a few weeks after my offer). I'm more or less satisfied, as he doesn't smell. No tobacco smell on his clothes and in our home.
    Maybe you should try too.
    Dominica likes this.
  5. Observer

    Observer Member

    Yes, anything is bad when too much. But vapes can be nicotine-free, for example after a few weeks/months after starting it. The most important thing is not to make the dose of nicotine higher.
    Anyway, it would be better than ugly smelling smoking.:oops:
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I agree it can be a useful tool in cutting down the addiction as well,sounds like your well informed.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

  8. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello there. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way about your husband and his habit. It does sound like he is struggling with motivation and maybe even purpose in life. Some people who smoke pot regularly will admit that they become apathetic and somewhat even lazy. I really wish that he would consider seeing an addiction therapist and just exploring the reasons why he smokes and getting to the why of some of the other behaviors you mentioned. Do you think he'd be willing to attend therapy?

    Unfortunately, there's not a ton of things you can do to get him to quit. If you talk to him repeatedly about your desire for him to quit, and he refuses, you're left with either letting him be and accepting the situation, or doing something about it. I mean laying down some firm boundaries.

    You may also want to consider attending a support group for you, either Al-Anon or Nar-anon.

    I hope this helps.
    deanokat likes this.