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Do you still check on a friend when they push you away?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by Zyni, Mar 1, 2015.

  1. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    Honestly for me it would depend on the friend -- are they pushing back just to see if you will stick it out with them, or do they truly just want space or nothing to do with me? That would be the questions I would be trying to ask myself. It's so hard when you want to be there for someone but they do just push back (in either of those situations).
  2. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I have found out that sometimes you just need to take a step or two back depending on the amount of resistance you are getting from the person. Sometimes people are begging you for your help when they are seemingly pushing you away believe it not. Often as a friend or relative we know a person better than they know themselves and can see behind the mask.

    Whatever happens it's important I think to not leave people entirely. Help can sometimes be offered from a distance.
  3. neighborsboy

    neighborsboy Member

    Hello all. I would just like to add that you can never get back yesterday. So what ever one decides just do not regret your decision. Stay true to your heart and everything else will just have to work itself out. Sometimes what one thinks is really hurting the other person. Just think things through before one does something drastic. "Be Easy!" Neighborsboy
  4. katherine25

    katherine25 Senior Contributor

    I would keep being persistent. I know it can be frustrating when your friend keeps pushing you away and makes you feel like your not really helping but i think just the idea of knowing someone cares can sometimes be enough to help someone. Your friend might not be ready to accept your help but that doesn't mean they don't want your help.
  5. juno

    juno Community Champion

    I think it depends on what the situation is. If you think they are in danger with their addiction and can hurt themselves or others, you have to keep trying or get others involved. However, if the person is simply impossible to get through to and they are disrupting your life to the point that it is becoming dysfunctional then you give them an ultimatum and walk away if they choose not to get help.
  6. cmleasure

    cmleasure Active Contributor

    I know for myself when I push people away that is when I need them the most. Stay supportive and loving. Friendship isn't about just being there through the good times. Help your friend through this tough time. Maybe reach out and try to spend more/some time with your friend. Stay in contact and when your friend is ready they will likely open up more.
  7. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    Things blew up with my friend who's coming off meth. She basically told me to F off, and I guess I shouldn't have taken it so literally. I blocked her on social media and made it clear I would give her the space she wants. I'm just afraid that I will do more harm than good at this point. My addiction became a thing of the past when I got pregnant, so I'm having a really hard time being empathetic towards her since she kept using even after her baby was born. I'm just waiting for the day she comes home and tries to make things right. And pray for her in the meantime.
  8. RingoBerry

    RingoBerry Senior Contributor

    If I know that the reason why that friend pushed me away was because he or she was in some kind of trouble - yes I will still try and see how I could possibly help. But if that "former" friend doesn't exactly have a good reason for pushing me away, I take it as a sign that maybe he or she is not someone I should stick my neck out for.
  9. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    I have had friends that did go off the deep end and have turned away all help offered. You know it is one of those situations where you need to back off and let them hit rock bottom. If you are really worried about them, call the cops and let them catch your friend high as a kite and they can get help by those means. Sounds mean, but it's either that or death.
  10. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Most of the time they actually are! I know because I did that a lot, I did it to see if the person would actually come back, I wanted to see if they were real friends or not. I have no idea why I did it, but it was something I wanted to see with my ow eyes.

    It felt great when I see my friends coming back, some stopped showing up after a while, until one day all my non addict friends stopped showing up. It hurt, but that was one of the things that motivated me to change things.

    Now saying the friends of addicts should do the same mine did, because I actually think that having a strong support circle is so important for someone in this kind of situation. Real friends should never give up, but I understand it can be so hard to deal with the frustration and anger of seeing your friend destroying himself/herself, all while you try to help and they just won't listen.
    Zyni likes this.
  11. kianthras

    kianthras Member

    I have a rule that if I really care about someone, I will check in on them regardless of how often they push me away. I had someone shove me away because I told them something they did not want to hear. That was over a year ago, and until a week ago we hadn't spoken. But, regardless of anything I still called on their birthday and left a message, I still emailed every few months to try and touch base, and I talked o other mutual friend to make sure that they were okay. I try and stay involved as much as I can because I want them to know that no matter what was said, if they need some support I will be there for them.
    Zyni likes this.
  12. Zyni

    Zyni Community Champion

    That's a really great attitude, and you are a good friend. I wish more people had a grasp on unconditional love, like you do. It's important that people know that we truly care about them, not just when they "do everything right" or make us happy. The world would be a better place if more people understood that.
  13. letoucan

    letoucan Member

    Of course! I think it's essential that you keep in touch with them, but they also need their own time and space. I think it's just a matter of finding the right balance.
  14. smartmom

    smartmom Senior Contributor

    I think this just depend on how many times I am pushed away. Once I am pushed away so much, I will eventually get tired. I mean I do understand that sometimes the people that push us away are actually the people that love us but I wont allow a person to continue to hurt me.
  15. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Sometimes it is beat to give the person who is pushing you away some space and let them figure out on their own that you only say something because you care. My OH has depression and he goes through moods in which he pushes me away. I used to try to be the loving person who was there for him when he was feeling down, but it did not good and only caused me a little heart ache. Now I am pretty blunt with him and let him know when his behavior is not appropriate and that he is being nasty. I also don't cower and will walk away when I am not being treated with respect.
  16. Skyspirit

    Skyspirit Member

    I know, thanks though I just wrote to someone who had treated me quite badly due to addiction, but I do still love and care for the person, just didn't like being ignored - let alone asked to stay and not go to a friend's memorial then being ignored due to the lack of life present in my friend's body due to his addictive behaviors at the time. I'm not sure if this is still an issue or not. I know he also had issues w/codependency in the past - I do so hope friendships can be repaired but I'm not sure because this is something that tends to repeat itself over time. At the same time, I want to be a good friend so I'm a bit at a loss though thank you for giving me the strength to write, I can only hope the answer is a positive one rather than negative - we'll see how it goes. ... Rock On -
  17. JessiFox

    JessiFox Active Contributor

    It definitely depends on the person and the relationship.
    I think for the most part I would keep trying, but at some point if it's a very clear message to give space that needs to be respected, too. Maybe give space for a bit and then come back and try again.
  18. Jenga

    Jenga Active Contributor

    Hi there @Zyni, being on the opposite side of that, I can tell you that sometimes it really just is annoying when all you want to do is drink or sleep away your problems, to have someone constantly ask you to get better. I kept pushing my girlfriend away more and more, until one day I realised I was on my own, lonely, wishing for somebody to be there. I realised that they were only trying to help me. I felt so horrible, like a monster for pushig away the one person who genuinely cared for me. That was what woke me up to quit. I reached back out to her and she came back, eager to try help me. We're back together, happier than I've been in the longest time. I guess the moral of my story is, even if they're pushing you away, please try to understand their own frustration. We're frustrated and angry at ourselves, because we don't want to seem like we have to rely on anybody else and put a burden on them. Just don't stop. That voice trying to help may be so very close to reaching out to them. Keep trying to help, even in small subtle ways. Thank you for being an amazing person for caring about somebody else.
  19. mercshe

    mercshe Member

    Sometimes it pays to be silent but still be there. Give them a space to think and to assess themselves. Sometimes, they hate it when you give advice because we don't know what they are going through, or what they are feeling at the moment. We need to be consistent. They need the assurance that we are there to help. I had one true friend and I still have him, thank God. He just did what I stated. Being present, being consistent, being non-judgmental and most specifically, trust- these are the building blocks of cure in any type of mental and behavioral disorder.
  20. Min

    Min Active Contributor

    It can be really difficult to constantly check in on someone and offer help if everything about their behavior is telling you to keep away. However, the way I see it -- the person who needs help is not in control. The addiction is in control. And the addiction will do whatever it can to keep hold of the person ... driving away friends is the first way the addiction can keep the person all to itself. It sounds a little strange, but you have to think of the person and the addiction as two separate entities. Once you're able to do this, it is much easier to give support and guidance, or even just love and a shoulder to cry on, to a friend.