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Down the Rabbit Hole

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Bonsai52, Dec 13, 2018.

  1. Bonsai52

    Bonsai52 Member

    Another sleepless night...an inevitable side effect of suboxone withdrawal...so I decided to use this time to tell my story. I will condense a.m.a.p. as it covers too many years to think about.

    Like my avatar, Alice, I suppose I started out curious when the bottle said "drink me" or rather when the pill said "take me, I will make you larger" and it told the truth! For awhile. Now, when I look back I can see that way before oxycontin tore me down, there were all the signs that Something eventually would. I just didn't know how to emotionally cope with life and the people in mine. I wanted everyone happy, that began when I was about 6 yrs old and continues to this day. And I couldn't deal with conflict. Do you know that whatever you can't face will show up in your life over and over again, ad nauseum, until you actually face it? I didn't then.
    So, anyway, by the time I met oxy I wasn't coping all that well personally. I was a single mother of 2 children newly divorced from the first bad choice and I was an RN who smoked and had a drinking habit. I felt guilty all the time about the divorce, about not being a typical health conscious nurse type, about working too much and not being with my kids, about wanting more for myself...then comes the new boyfriend who is as messed up as I but I could see he had a good heart deep down and I didn't want to end up alone...I was slipping down the rabbit hole...I would marry him and he would take over my life and kids for the next 12 yrs while I worked and slowly increased my drug tolerance.

    He met the neighbor who had oxycontin prescribed for back pain but was snorting it with all his buddies while his wife worked all day, and one day I went with future husband to meet neighbor too. Funny that my husband didn't like it. made him sick. But I, well, it was love at first snort. And then I puked but I didn't care because I felt great! Finally something akin to alcohol that came without the hangover! Cause I had to work! I was the best of the best in my own Wonderland for quite awhile! I did 6 impossible things before breakfast! I worked overtime to account for the extra drug bills! I juggled all the daily tasks and rewarded myself with a pill. I fixed all problems that arose, firstly with a pill. I was unstoppable!

    Until I was stopped. I didn't know it then, but nothing lasts forever, only long enough so that it becomes a way of life and when something changed My way of life, I wasn't having it!

    It cost me dearly. And still does.

    You think you are being sly and secretive but eventually people find out. They see the people you hang out with or the frequent phone calls, trips down the road "Just going out for a sec, be back in a min" they see how restless you are when you're waiting for something, how distracted and unengaged. How happy you are 5 minutes later after coming out of the bathroom. How helpful and magnanimous.

    My husband was bipolar with psychotic tendencies who self medicated. It was ok for him to medicate and ok for me as long as he said it was ok. I love him still, but LIVE with him? You couldn't ask for a better roller coaster ride! Wasn't all his fault, not by a long shot, but when you are already a mess-well I'll tell you how I coped. No, you already know.

    This went on for years. up and down, parties, fights, separations, back together, he spent a year in prison for dealing coke which I knew nothing about, we both lied to each other, no trust and the kids watched it all. My son is an addict now as well as his girlfriend. At first he got hooked up with oxycontin too, as it was all over the country at that time, and once you are hooked you are hooked. When the OC died down the heroin stepped in. Now he and his girlfriend just do crack. Just? I have accepted this now because I know we all have our own time. I only hope I die before he does.

    Most of the people I know, in my family and out have done something or are on something. So, believe it or not, after a while it becomes normal. If you stay in Wonderland long enough, it becomes your home. (I think I really grew up there and then went back for a sustained visit) Hard to be sane in a crazy place so you find ways to cope. That is, until you run out of the magical "drink me" stuff or you can't take it for some reason, then you want to die. Everything around you becomes distorted, off kilter, sharp edged and painful to deal with especially in your weakened state. You are not concerned with the world, it's problems, anyone else's problems or your own. You just want to FEEL better, WHATEVER it takes. And when you are a nurse, well, you think you know what you need. You also think that you have to be much more careful than the regular person when it comes to pushing the boundaries and hiding it. I resented my husband for not having to be as careful as no one was telling him he had to be on his toes to care for people whose live were in his hands or that he might have to take a random drug test! Many more opportunities opened up for me to screw up. All those medications are all right there and you have the key! One for you and one for me. You play with Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee, you get to pretend to be the Queen of Hearts, and with enough stuff-you can make yourself believe anything!

    We moved across the country on one of our stints to get better. New start. Just me and him. What a mistake THAT was. He was crazy! I had no one around to help me. I needed to work more than ever and I had run out of my coping med on purpose? What the hell was I thinking? The anxiety was overwhelming. I needed to perform. I was a nurse in a large hospital and somehow I thought that would make me invisible. I worked hard and they liked me. even reupped my contract. Home life became more like hell, however. Mood swings, accusations, paranoia and constant chaos. I was walking on eggshells as they say. I am the eggman, i am the walrus-coo,coo kachoo. Didn't matter what I did, it wasn't good, and I would, by God!, suffer for it! After awhile I think I was psychotic, and I started drinking. Alot. then we found someone who sold pills, then after awhile, my husband somehow had become my pill manger, treat giver and all around asshole. Resentful is not the word...I got my first DUI, spent the night in jail, and I could feel the impending doom that was coming.
    It came. Of course it came. that day when I got caught at work, and fired, and the snowball just keeps on rolling, getting bigger...and bigger, I was almost relieved. I went into rehab once we were back home to save my nursing licence. My first rehab, tho none of use knew it then. and I would, in a few more years, lose the licence that held all my worth, couldn't adhere to the probation terms. They wanted me to stay sober for goodness sake! But I'd do whatever I wanted, why not?

    We were all just getting started...

    Okay, this isn't quite as condensed as I'd meant for it to be. Sorry. You have to realize that I've spent a good twenty years dealing with this or not dealing as the case may be.

    I will stop here because this is wearing me out thinking, remembering, regretting...as Alice would say and I quote, "It's no use going back to yesterday, I was a different person then." Fast forward to now and the fact that I am finally free. I can only hope the same for all the people in this country who have been or are now just entering the rabbit hole.

    As for my story, I don't know, I may have to write a book. It seems like I can't give an accurate overview of it all in a short essay and at the same time let others know what it felt like to be there. So maybe we can call this an excerpt and go from there. Thanks for giving me a place to vent.
    True concern likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Vent away,I do it all the time in fact lot's of us do.I am glad you got some of that out.Very moving,very real.I have to process this a bit because I will probably write a short book in my response,but I want you to know i care,we care,and I am so happy you found this site.The rabbit hole...I jumped in that sucker with no parachute as well,you are definitely not alone.Stay Strong and God Bless you.I will respond further today.Thank you for sharing
    Dominica likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    You can vent here anytime you'd like, @Bonsai52. That's why we're here. To give you a safe place to get help, support, chat, or just get things off of your chest.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    deanokat likes this.