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Drunken Abuse

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by bfin91, Jun 22, 2015.

  1. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    My husband is an abusive alcoholic and he doesn't see it.

    My husband and I have only been married for 9 months. We've been together for 2 years and we have a 6 month old baby girl.

    When we first met everything was great. I didn't mind drinking a few and just having fun with him and the guys. But then I noticed he'd down a 30 pack a night. He has 2 DWI's, mind you he's only 28 years old. And he's very scary when he goes over the limit.

    Before I found out I was pregnant we got into a fight and he kicked me out. His friend showed up and I hopped into the truck. My husband came storming out of the house with his rifle and threatened to shoot me if I stepped foot on his property. Then he proceeded to come toward the truck and he pulled me out of it. So I ran across the way to his parents house for help. That was a whiskey night. He hasn't had any of that since then.

    The weekend after the 4th of July we decided to go camping. I was 4 months pregnant. I was struggling to stop smoking for the baby. Everything was great the first 2 days, we had a ton of fun. Then he wanted beer. I was hesitant but told him only if he is nice to me. So we drove to the gas station and he bought a 30 pack. Drank until he was passed out. I tried to wake him up so we could eat, I was pregnant and always hungry, so I was just listening to my stomach. He got angry at me so I went outside and had a cigarette. He came out and accused me of killing the baby and started getting crazy. Put his hand around my neck and left a mark. He packed mostly everything up. The food, drinks, blow up mattress, blankets, etc. He abandoned me at the camp site 4 months pregnant, with no food or water and no way to get home.

    I called his mother for help. She came to pick me up and EVERYTHING was my fault. She didn't even care that he put his hands on his pregnant wife.

    Next I was about 6 months pregnant. We got into an argument again about his drinking. It escalated pretty bad that night. My husband knocked me to the floor and all I could think about was the baby. So I stood up and hit him. Yelled, "How dare you put this baby in danger!?" He slammed me in between the door and wall and just pushed as hard as he could to where the door knob was pressing into my belly. He tried to take the keys from me resulting in bloody fingers. And he grabbed me by the neck again leaving a nice scratch behind.

    I ran to his parents again. His father was outside and I showed him my fingers. All he said was, "You know what happens to people who call the cops on my family." So I went inside to his mother. Once again, it was MY FAULT! She said the scratch on my neck looked like something I did myself. Told me I shouldn't have said anything to him.

    Now that the baby is here. Apparently his mother says she's number one. Yea right.

    Yesterday we fought again. Once again the subject was alcohol. It was his first father's day and he promised to be sober. His friends showed up unexpectedly, and I pulled him aside in private and asked him nicely, "Aren't you going to be sober today like you promised?" My fault again!? He threw the beer at the wall and went off on me. His friends decided it was time to leave, so they took off. My husband told me to get out. Emptied my entire side of the closet onto the floor. Broke beer bottles on the kitchen floor. And SPIT IN MY FACE!

    Are you kidding me... he left the house and I asked his mother to come over to help me clean up the mess. Said the room looked like his room when he was a teenager and it wasn't that bad. Told me to grow up and stop bringing it up to him because all it ever does is start a fight.

    My 6 month old baby isn't number one. Her big 28 year old baby is number one.

    His family protects him. Even though I have documented proof he's abusive. He called me a fat psychotic bitch..

    He promised he'd quit drinking before the baby was born, he did for almost 2 months, so I married him because I believed him. Our wedding night, the alcohol was back because he was celebrating. He hasn't quit since then. Promised he would again when the baby was a couple months old. He's still doing it. I even asked if he would be sober for 1 day out of a month. He did he would. That has yet to happen.

    I'm afraid he's never going to change. He talks to his Co workers and friends about how I was sent to save him and how he loves me and that baby more than anything. His friends and family speak very highly of me as well. But when he's drunk and crazy, I'm the psychotic one.

    All I want is for my husband to be sober for his baby girl. For me. For all of us. He's an amazing man when he isn't drinking and I love him so very much. But I feel like I'm married to two different people. I'm scared of him.

    I know I can't change him, I know it's up to him to change himself. But if his family isn't the reason for him to sober up then I feel I'm better off being a single mother.

    I'm just tired of him constantly trying to kick me out, putting his hands on me and abusing me mentally as well. I shouldn't be treated this way, I know. I shouldn't be with this man, I know. But I also know he's better than that drunk crazy man I see now and again. I want to help him, but I think I'm at the end of my rope.
  2. Just Another Shallow Man

    Just Another Shallow Man Active Contributor

    Wow, that's really sad to hear. You should seek some sort of professional help. It seems he admits he had a problem to some extent but he still isn't able to quit. Maybe he doesn't realize just how much he is hurting you. I fear for the health of you and your child.

    Seek professional help and if it fails and he continues being an abusive drunk, you should get a divorce...
  3. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Sorry to know about that and no one deserves such treatment. Maybe you can ask help to your parents or to a support group there and not to his parents. It is obvious that his parents are not helping and making the situation worst.
  4. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    My parents are states away so I'm basically stuck.. I've tried to ask him about counseling and all he says to me is that I'm crazy and need to take medication.. he tries to blame me when I know I'm not the problem.
  5. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    @bfin91, if you were my friend in RL, I'd be straight over in the car and I'd take you away from that man myself. I'm really sorry to say this but if he's got no qualms in hitting the woman he is married to, it's likely he'll react to his daughter in a similar manner.

    You ARE better off as a single mother, much better off. I won't go into too much detail but I do know exactly how you are feeling. You know, if you were to tell the cops about the things he's done, they'd be right on your side. Not that I'm telling you to go to them, it's just that I want to make it clear just how unacceptable this behaviour is. None of this is your fault.

    Are there any women's organisations in your area? There is usually some sort of help available for women who are enduring domestic abuse (and that's what this is).

    Whilst he's like this, there is little point in trying to make him get help. An alcoholic cannot truly change unless the decision to do so comes from within. Instead, concentrate on getting the support that YOU need. Remember that we are always here for you on this forum. There are members from all over the world so there's always someone to talk to, at any time of the day.

    Please do check back and let us know how you are getting on, otherwise I will be worrying about you!
  6. henry

    henry Community Champion

    Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush on this. LEAVE HIM. Go to the police and get a restraining order, so he can't come close to you and the baby. I know this sounds harsh, but I've known about cases like this, and women usually wait until it's too late. So, better safe than sorry. Pack your bags, because theres a big chance that man is going to hurt you and your baby sooner or later. He had his chance, now it's time to act.
  7. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    Last night was another ridiculous night. My husband worked off of swing shift, he's usually home by midnight. He planned on going to a Co worker's house after work for a bit instead. Sent me this text, "I even talked about me staying sober for a few days at first then just knocking it out". So apparently he's even talking to the guys about quitting. Made me so happy to hear that, so I allowed him to go over there for a bit after work.

    I woke up around 12 AM to a screaming baby, she just wasn't happy last night. I didn't want to bother my husband so I waited until 1:30 AM. Baby girl was still not having it so I sent him a text and asked if he was still there. He asked me to pick him up from his friend's house because he was too drunk to drive. Of course... Sober for a few days my ass.

    I was pissed off. I had to leave the house late at night, with deer running, with our baby to go pick his drunk ass up. I called when I got to the main street the guy lived on and my husband couldn't even give me proper directions. "Turn right then turn immediately left." Well immediately left into the first house or first street? Finally when I got there I called him back and asked him to come out so we could go home. Dumb dumb forgot to turn his phone off and put it back in his pocket..

    Started talking crap about me and said that if things got bad he'd be back shortly. I couldn't help but become even more upset. When he came out he asked me to step out of the car and have a smoke. I got out and left baby girl inside next to me in the air conditioner. Showed him the phone and said, "You know you forgot to hang up, right? You better apologize for what you were saying about me."

    He looked shocked and his friend was too. I started shaking, probably adrenaline, and asked him if we could leave. We finally left but of course I couldn't help but confront him. After the chain effects of that night I couldn't just shut up about it. He jumped out of the car at the red light and started walking back, threatening divorce.

    I backed up trying to talk him into getting back into the car and ended up going into a small ditch and bottoming out the new car.. I should've just left him there. I shouldn't have gone out of my way to pick him up. He's afraid when I try to communicate with him and his big thing is running away to a friend's house to the alcohol.

    He slept on the couch last night and the baby and I took up the bed with the bedroom door locked. I really thought he was serious about being sober a few days, but of course it was just all talk.
  8. bsthebenster

    bsthebenster Community Champion

    Why are you still with him? Personally, I don't believe in drunken abuse; just abuse. If he were a good person to begin with, he wouldn't indulge in a substance that makes him behave like that. A baby should never have to grow up in those conditions. I hope you do the right thing and never talk to him or his parents again; they sound like they're as fucked up as he is.
  9. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    He's been drinking since he was about 13 years old. His father was a drunk as well, but he quit his drinking when my husband was a baby. Hasn't had a drink since then.

    He is a good person until that alcohol is inside of him. I want to help him see that he's better than the alcohol, but I understand I can't change him.

    I'm getting my ducks in a row and money set aside so if I have to leave I'll have the resources at a ready.
  10. henry

    henry Community Champion

    This is just going to keep happening. This is a delicate matter for me because I don't like trelling people they have to leave someone, but, from what you've told us so far, it seems like the rational thing to do. Don't listen to his lies anymore. Leave him, get a restraining order, and don't fall for his lies anymore, because one of this days, he's going to really hurt you. I'd rather hear you got divorced than hearing you're in a hospital with four broken ribs and a broken arm, or worse. Don't think about it anymore. You've already done that and failed.
    bfin91 likes this.
  11. henry

    henry Community Champion

    Another thing, bfin, if you've decided to do it, make sure you do it quietly. Don't let him know anything, because he might go bonkers on you. Don't let him know where you are either. Plan your stuff carefully and don't act on impulse. Don't let him sweet-talk you into coming back either, or you'll be back where you started.
  12. Nergaahl

    Nergaahl Community Champion

    Get away from that asshole while you are still able to do this. Trust me, you and your child don't want a life like this, if you got a drinking husband, it's better to leave him. I also had an alcoholic father who made my life a nightmare, and I felt so released when my parents divorced. It's obviously he doesn't care about his family enough to be able to raise one. Leave him.
  13. Just Another Shallow Man

    Just Another Shallow Man Active Contributor

    It's really sad that it seems the best thing to do is gonna be to leave him. I figure the man is actually a pretty good person while sober, since you have stuck with him for so long despite his alcohol problem. It's quite sad to hear that he basically goes feral once he's drunk and he doesn't seem to truly understand just how much he is hurting his family. I really wish that he would realize what he's doing and seeks help, since it's sad to hear of an otherwise good couple breaking up because of alcoholism.
  14. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Hello! I don't know if my suggestion is any better but I think it would help if you just take a breather and think things through. You don't have to abandon your husband. As you said, he's a better person when he's not drunk. Now, if you want to reclaim that person you lost because of alcohol, then the only way to do that is to still stay by his side and let your husband get treated by experts or a competent treatment center.

    Because you're still out of sorts, though, go somewhere else where you think you're safe and able to think properly. Once you've collected yourself, support your husband as best as you can. You have to be iron-fisted and don't let him overwhelm you. Solicit the assistance of close members of the family and basically anyone you trust. You'll find that you can't shoulder this problem on your own and a great support system makes a lot of difference.
  15. Aescopri

    Aescopri Active Contributor

    Hey there! I'm not trying to give you advice, but here's what I think:
    I think that you should file a report for domestic violence. I don't think this is acceptable behaviour, and you might want to consult a psychiatrist or psychologist to help you on the matter. I would also inform his and your parents, friends and close family of this problem if he isn't embarrassed about it.
    I don't know you, but I am so proud of you for gathering up the courage to write those words and consult this community for advice—this is a big, no, HUGE step in improving your marriage.
    Here's a question, though: has he ever hurt your baby girl? If he has, you really shouldn't forgive him anymore—hitting children are the last straw for abuse.
  16. bsthebenster

    bsthebenster Community Champion

    You have a kid, though. The child shouldn't have to go through that, no matter how much you want to help him. It sounds like you're sacrificing the well being of your child in an attempt to help the well being of an abusive man. As Mr. Mackey said, it's not our place to tell you what to do, but if CPS saw what was going on, you can bet they'd have something to say about it. Allowing your child to live in an abusive home is almost as bad as abusing the child yourself.
  17. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    That is really scary and I am so sorry you have found yourself in the position you are in. He really needs help if there is any chance that the two of you are going to make it through this. How is he when he is sober? If he is normally a good man then there might be hope that things will get better, but he needs treatment first.
  18. Just Another Shallow Man

    Just Another Shallow Man Active Contributor

    I think this might be the best advise. Specially because if this works out, you will have recovered the man that, as Tin said, you lost to alcohol.

    I'm really hopeful that it ends up well and he recovers but he needs to take the first step and admit he has a problem. If he doesn't seem like he wants to get help and fix himself, then maybe leaving him might be the only solution, for the sake of you and your child both.
  19. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    He's never harmed our daughter. He's so excited to come home to her after work. I rarely have to ask him to make a bottle or change her diaper, because he mostly does it on his own. I know he loves his baby girl. But this drinking needs to stop because if he can be abusive to me, who's to say he won't be to her later down the road.
    Aescopri likes this.
  20. bfin91

    bfin91 Member

    He's amazing when he's sober. It's all laughter and fun. He helps out with everything, treats me well and is a great father. Just the alcohol changes him into a completely different person.. he's never once laid a hand on me while sober and if we do fight it's a quick argument that ends in minutes.