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Fatal Overdose

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by UponACalamity, Nov 29, 2017.

  1. UponACalamity

    UponACalamity Member

    I tried so hard to get him to stop.. two days before he passed, he choose me over drugs. Everything was going so well to where we got engaged.
    November 11th at 5:54am, I found the love of my life dead. I woke up in our bed at that time to use the restroom & about 10 feet away from me, was my love on the ground.
    He has been addicted to Oxys for roughly 3 years now. About 7 years ago, he started to face pain. So doctors give him Oxys. When he had trouble sleeping, xanax was next. When he has trouble waking up, adderall was next. Every day, lots of alcohol was mixed into his system along with the meds.. I'm getting off track. Anyways, I was always used to seeing him loopy because of everything he was on. Somehow, he maintained an amazing job, salary, & the love he had for me was endless.. But his pain was taking over..
    When I found him, he was in the fetal position. I found him passed out other times before. But this time, it was different. Just by the way everything was. I instantly knew he was gone... I went up to him & touched his back. Rigor mortis already set in at that time. I knew he was dead. ****, I didn't want to believe it. I kept on saying to myself that he's just sleeping. Then I sat on the ground with him.. I kept on saying his name over & over again.. no response. Then I looked down & his stomach was black & blue. So cold to touch. The worst part happened after that. The part that will traumatize me forever.. I lift up his head & there was blood coming from his nose & mouth. His hands were covering his mouth, almost like he knew he was dying at the time.. I still was in such denial that he was dead. Immediately after, I called the cops. The operator told me to give him CPR & to check if he was breathing. I told her that he's already gone, & that wouldn't work. She kept on asking me why I was so sure that he was gone. I simply said, "if you saw how he looked, you wouldn't second guess it." But still me being in denial, I checked to see if he was breathing. I tried to get a pulse from his neck. I tried and tried and tried, and I didn't want to believe it. I tried to lean him up & more blood just poured from his face.. I couldn't bare it. Cops got there super quick. It took about one minute until I asked if he was alive. The officer looked over at me and shook his head right as I was hoovering over my loves lifeless body..
    Little did I know, I started to put the pieces together. That morning, I text his friend that he wouldn't be into work today- that he died. He couldn't believe it, but said to me that he knew things about Matt that others didn't. Even me, his own fiance.. 6 days before he died, he got a bag of heroin mixed with fetynal.
    Here's the kicker of why I hate myself more than anything.. I watched him die & I didn't do anything about it... as I mentioned in the writing above, I always knew him to be so out of it a lot. So when I saw him slide down the closet door, right where I found him dead.. I didn't think anything of it because I saw that a thousand and one times. Right after that, I passed out. I don't even remember falling asleep, I literally passed out. And that's the biggest thing that I regret. I can't believe myself. I can't believe that I witnessed him dying & I didn't do anything.. I swear, I didnt know. I hate myself so much.
    I tried in all my power for him to stop using so many things & just to smoke some damn weed. Two days. Two days before he died, he asked me to marry him & that he chooses me over drugs..
    I am so empty. He was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I didn't know him for long. Not even a year. But he complete me more than anything. Depression didn't exists anymore when I met him & may I mind you, I was diagnosed with long term chronic depression ten years before I met him. & I am only 19. He is much older than me. He turned 38 on Halloween. Please do not judge me.. my point being is that, I never knew someone could make me feel someone so wonderful like he did to me. I'm telling you, I wanted to marry this man & love him in every single way...
    I know this is a super long post, but please give me some feedback or anything. If you're struggling with any substance abuse. Please please please don't hesitate to comment or message me. I'm not sure how this thing works.. But you know what I mean. Please don't let a loved one find you like that. Please don't do that to your family.. I can't tell you how much pain I am in. I can't tell you how much regret I have for myself. I can't tell you what I would do if I had one more day with the man that stole my heart.. drugs are the most terrible thing. I will do everything in my power to try and help anyone. To save one life that I couldn't.. would be a blessing in disguise.

    - Cassidy
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Cassidy (@UponACalamity)... I responded to your post in another thread, so please look for that. Sending you my deepest condolences.