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Fears about regression

Discussion in 'Marijuana' started by Grita, Feb 23, 2018.

  1. Grita

    Grita Member

    Hello everyone,
    I'm Grita, 32 yo and 128 days free of marijuana usage. When i decided to change my life 4 months ago i was devastated. It felt like one-way road to cut it off. I decided to quitt tobacco smoking also and change my life completely.
    The very first days were a nightmare. So much angry and crying but day after day i was feeling better.
    It wasn't the first try i did. It was the second one serious try with the first one having help from a rehab team. At my second try is taking place now, i also have help but only once a week.
    While the weeks are passed over, i felt really good. I even felt happiness. I had a daily program, started running almost every day, started working again, feel good and having a social life. But slowly the fitness and running issue became an obsession. At the begging 1 hour of fitness work out was ok, then i wanted 2 hours and then more. I even took a 10th place on a mountain running race but not satisfied. I felt bad for not being first. All these in combination with the hard daily schedule i had and the eating issues (thaught of being fat even thaught i was 1.60 and 50 kilos if i ate a piece of cake) excausted me. I felt really tired and my eyes wreckles appeared again.
    I started to do less but didn't feel right. Now i have two weeks with no running or work out, stoped working, stoped going out with friends and started eating dirty food sitting alone at home. All i want to do is sitting in the sofa. Start thinking of smoking again at least the simple tabacco cigaretes and feel like all the effort of these 4 months have gone away. Feel bad with my body and myself. I feel like i'm in a deadlock. If i continue sitting in my sofa i'll start smokimg marijuana again, the darkness will come again, the feeling that i'm a dead alive person and the suicide thaughts also. But the thaught of active continuing and the thaughts that i have to give my best, to eat the best way, to have a perfect body and the stressful daily routine, feels like torturing. Regression feels like my conviction and the vanity and failure feeling will be devastated but staying away of marijuana and live a life with an active daily routine an utopic plan and dream. Feel like these 4 months of my new "me" was like a nice dream, but now i have to wake up and face the reality which in this one i am unable to live the life i'm dreaming.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2018
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Grita hi there. thanks for sharing. i'm sorry you are struggling... i wish i had some excellent advice... if it were me, i'd enter into an extended period of counseling to try to get at the root of why i turn toward addiction...or addiction transfer... what are the underlying factors?? those 4 months of balance can give you hope that you can get there again... i find the buddhist path to help me stay more in balance. i have to watch myself b/c i can get addicted to work or a new project.... so through the years i've picked up tools to help me on my journey. a little bit of meditation, quiet time in nature doing nothing, exercise, listening to spiritual gurus, working in balance, i'd gone to 12 step groups before, counseling when necessary, and forums...

    have you heard of SMART Recovery? i am just checking that out b/c i like the philosophy. might go to meeting once a month just to be mindful of staying in balance myself...and to be able to meet others and encourage them too.

    is there something that you're unhappy about..?? unresolved issues? loneliness?

    i am here to listen... and encourage you... :)