Hello everyone, I'm Grita, 32 yo and 128 days free of marijuana usage. When i decided to change my life 4 months ago i was devastated. It felt like one-way road to cut it off. I decided to quitt tobacco smoking also and change my life completely. The very first days were a nightmare. So much angry and crying but day after day i was feeling better. It wasn't the first try i did. It was the second one serious try with the first one having help from a rehab team. At my second try is taking place now, i also have help but only once a week. While the weeks are passed over, i felt really good. I even felt happiness. I had a daily program, started running almost every day, started working again, feel good and having a social life. But slowly the fitness and running issue became an obsession. At the begging 1 hour of fitness work out was ok, then i wanted 2 hours and then more. I even took a 10th place on a mountain running race but not satisfied. I felt bad for not being first. All these in combination with the hard daily schedule i had and the eating issues (thaught of being fat even thaught i was 1.60 and 50 kilos if i ate a piece of cake) excausted me. I felt really tired and my eyes wreckles appeared again. I started to do less but didn't feel right. Now i have two weeks with no running or work out, stoped working, stoped going out with friends and started eating dirty food sitting alone at home. All i want to do is sitting in the sofa. Start thinking of smoking again at least the simple tabacco cigaretes and feel like all the effort of these 4 months have gone away. Feel bad with my body and myself. I feel like i'm in a deadlock. If i continue sitting in my sofa i'll start smokimg marijuana again, the darkness will come again, the feeling that i'm a dead alive person and the suicide thaughts also. But the thaught of active continuing and the thaughts that i have to give my best, to eat the best way, to have a perfect body and the stressful daily routine, feels like torturing. Regression feels like my conviction and the vanity and failure feeling will be devastated but staying away of marijuana and live a life with an active daily routine an utopic plan and dream. Feel like these 4 months of my new "me" was like a nice dream, but now i have to wake up and face the reality which in this one i am unable to live the life i'm dreaming.