Hello everyone, I'm 128 days free of marijuana usage. When i decided to change my life 4 months ago i was devastated. It felt like one-way road to cut it off. I decided to quitt tobacco smoking also and change my life completely. The very first days were a nightmare. So much angry and crying but day after day i was feeling better. It wasn't the first try i did. It was the second one serious try with the first one having help from a rehab team. At my second try is taking place now, i also have help but only once a week. While the weeks are passed over, i felt really good. I even felt happiness. I had a daily program, started running almost every day, started working again, feel good and having a social life. But slowly the fitness and running issue became an obsession. At the begging 1 hour of fitness work out was ok, then i wanted 2 hours and then more. I even took a 10th place on a mountain running race but not satisfied. I felt bad for not being first. All these in combination with the hard daily schedule i had and the eating issues (thaught of being fat even thaught i was 1.60 and 50 kilos if i ate a piece of cake) excausted me. I felt really tired and my eyes wreckles appeared again. I started to do less but didn't feel right. Now i have two weeks with no running or work out, stoped working, stoped going out with friends and started eating dirty food sitting alone at home. All i want to do is sitting in the sofa. Start thinking of smoking again at least the simple tabacco cigaretes and feel like all the effort of these 4 months have gone away. Feel bad with my body and myself. I feel like i'm in a deadlock. If i continue sitting in my sofa i'll start smokimg marijuana again, the darkness will come again, the feeling that i'm a dead alive person and the suicide thaughts also. But the thaught of active continuing and the thaughts that i have to give my best, to eat the best way, to have a perfect body and the stressful daily routine, feels like torturing. Feel like this 4 months of my new "me" was like a nice dream, but now i have to wake up and face the reality which in this one i am unable to live the life i'm dreaming.