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Feeling a bit helpless

Discussion in 'Heroin' started by Abcfemale, May 26, 2018.

  1. Abcfemale

    Abcfemale Member

    Will try to make this short as poss. My husband has been in recovery for years and was doing well. Everything was fine. Then his family help him open a business. All was well but then I guess the pressures of running a business took its toll and I started seeing shifty behaviour from him and finding drug paraphanailia hidden in places in the house.

    I have tried the following :

    1) confronted him but never get the truth and I often get verbal abuse and told I'm crazy

    2) approached his family - I just get the blame and told I'm evil and insensitive to burden them with this. They clearly believe his version. I end up arguing with his mum and then she runs to my husband saying I'm this that and the other, only causing more problems and resulting in my husband having more of a go at me for stressing his mum and I get it in the neck from all angles

    3) I've contacted the clinic he's under to inform them of things. They don't seem that proactive and just say they have their own procedures in place and then go on to warn me they will contact social services as we have a child if I send them anything else, as an attempt to quiet me down.

    4) I've kicked him out for weeks on end to scare him into what he could potentially lose if this continues. Last time I did this was Xmas. It has calmed him down and there has been an improvement but we've had a few incidents since and I'm worried about it getting worse.

    5) I have now told him he can do drugs if he wants as he's an adult. Maybe the reverse psychology will work?

    The other night he'd lied about his whereabouts. He'd said he'd booked his taxi to come home after work but then didn't show up til 2.30am and switched his phone off. I was panicked so I contacted his mum and get that response off her (see point 2)

    What else can I do? If I leave him that will have an awful effect on our son being torn between us. I'd get abuse off his family. It would be turmoil, I can't face the stress of it. We own our house and I know he won't go easy, I had inheritance that paid the mortgage off completely.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Abcfemale hey there. so sorry you are going through this. i think this would be a great time for you to do whatever it takes to maybe see a therapist.... or maybe attend the support group al-anon or nar-anon. you're in a tough spot, and that face-to-face help can certainly help you determine what to do or not do.

    being with an addict can be really challenging. it's hard to trust them, and sounds like you can't really go to anyone b/c his family will side with him. we can certainly encourage you, but maybe you can find some help in your community too.

    do your best to take care of you and your son.... and start thinking about what it is YOU really want in your marriage and home life.
  3. Abcfemale

    Abcfemale Member

    Thank you for your reply. I think I do need counselling. It is hard. He has a way of making me feel inadequate and somehow always shifts the blame onto me so now my actions of contacting his mum about this is seen as the bad behaviour rather than what he's actually done and there's nothing I can say to stick up for myself because it would make things worse. He's clever as it's made me keep quiet. It's just taken the focus off him onto me and now I'm being punished as he's said I can no longer do the book keeping for the business because of MY actions. He's gas lighted me basically and suppressing me into accepting his bad behaviour and he's so good at it and has everyone believing it. I have to be careful not to lose myself. I was bubbly, always laughing etc and now I feel anxious all the time and at times don't want to go out or see anyone. I will look into that counselling.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Abcfemale good to hear you will look into counseling. i believe it will do a lot of good.... and if you can't get there, maybe look for a support group... al-anon, nar-anon, codependents anonymous.... you can work on yourself there too...and have some support for setting and keeping boundaries and such....

    it's horrible to have to walk on egg shells all the time, and you deserve to be your happy self.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Abcfemale... I'm sorry you're having to deal with your husband's issues. You are definitely in a difficult situation, and I agree with @Dominica that you should put some focus on helping yourself. After all, you are the only person you can control and change. Practicing some self-care will be a very good thing for you. So go see a counselor. Look into support group meetings. And do things that make YOU feel better.

    Also, when you talk to your husband you may want to talk to him in a loving, empathetic way. Confronting people who are struggling with addiction oftentimes just makes things worse. Anger and confrontation just breed more anger and confrontation. There's a great book out there that might help you change the ways you communicate with him. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. Maybe pick up a copy and give it a read. I can't recommend it highly enough.

    You are not alone, my friend. We are here to offer help, support, advice, and a listening ear. So feel free to reach out and lean on us anytime you'd like.

    Sending you lots of love, light, and hope.
    True concern likes this.
  6. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    I would like to tell you @Abcfemale that I am a recovering heroin addict and even though during all my years of use I found opiates that were stronger such as oxycontin and the like but, nothing,and I mean that literally,nothing,made me meaner and more selfish than heroin.
    There is no point in trying to describe it,suffice it to say that the pull for the physically and psychologically addicted person is just so strong that it drowns out all incoming calls from everyone.
    All loved ones pleads to stop, seek help, at least for me they simply were not heard.
    Looking back I can tell you why,and maybe it may help you and your loved one.
    The high is so intense and euphoric that that's all you can focus on while under the influence, but I also find it for me at least,to be the most intense comedown,making it so unbearable that all you care about is getting better,once dependent you don't even care about finding a high you just want to avoid being sick. And heroin brings on the sick faster and harder than I want to even describe.
    I knew I had a family and friends and I somewhere in the background noise that was my mind, I wanted them back,but to be able to focus on getting that I first had to just" get better" . But then I was under the influence again.
    My family did the whole intervention thing with me and what convinced me to go get help was finding out there was a rehab that would take me and help me detox and not just lock me up and spin dry me basically. So that was the beginning of my road to recovery and look at some of my recent posts.
    I was dying but now I'm living a new life. I hope maybe something like this can help you. He's still in there. That I can garauntee.
    deanokat and True concern like this.