An American Addiction Centers Resource

New to the Forums?Join or

Fighting depression

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Oct 9, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So I do believe,I know my stumble has intensified this but often times but really today has been very depressing for me,just a feeling of worthlessness and the fact that I'm really focused on my sobriety even before my one time current stumble,but I didn't let it consume me(Still not proud of it by any means)But I got back on track fairly quick...I think what I am getting at is after spending most of my life drunk and or high dealing with lost time and destroyed relationships, trying to overcome the pain I caused and knowing I would have done so many thing's different sober it is very hard to stay head strong and focused on staying sober and often time's I think back especially when I look at my wedding photo's and man I feel like a waste of life and I do truly love my wife with all my heart but I absolutely failed her and my entire family, it's really eating at me lately especially finding out I'm actually a caring person sober,man I was such a son of a bitch for so long and just knowing that to be true and realizing I allowed some damn substance to destroy the best part of my life just fuc*ing sucks.Anyways sorry for the depressing post.Take Care Everyone
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern

    Hey there. Thank you for reaching out. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling today. I know dealing with depression can be disheartening. Focusing on your past will certainly bring that on. As Dean always says I wish I had a magic wand to make it better. Please know that all of us struggle with some sadness or depression at times. I dare say that most everyone does, but not everyone talks about it.

    You're certainly not alone. I don't know why you contracted to come to this planet to live a portion of your life as an addict and then to come clean. Perhaps it's that overcoming and victory that you contracted yourself to experience while your journeying this thing called life. Perhaps it's so you can then turn around and encourage others. Those who are struggling with addiction and even the youth who are thinking about picking up and might need a good heart to heart. Ask God to show you. Ask God to reveal his plan for you moving forward, and trust that god has forgiven you ,and you can forgive yourself. It's a decision and it's a practice.

    Can't remember if we talked about therapy. Are you able to obtain a therapist? Are you willing to go? I think that face-to-face help can be quite valid. Are you still attending meetings?

    Know that I'm thinking of you tonight. Yes, you are a wonderful soul. You always have been down at your very core. But plenty of life experiences and Trauma had a way of covering up that wonderful soul, and the pain so great that you chose to numb it. But you get to wipe your slate clean now. Doesn't mean those things you did were right, but you have a choice now to do what's right each and every day, living your best self now.

    Those who know better, do better.

    Sending you a great big hug!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... As someone who has dealt with depression for a big part of my life, I know a bit about how you're feeling. I also have two adult sons who struggle mightily with depression. I see how it impacts their lives on a daily basis. I just want you to know that you are, like @Dominica said, a wonderful soul. And that you are not alone. I think therapy would be a great thing for you, too. My therapist really helped turn my life around when I was at my lowest point.

    We love you, my brother. *insert non-existent heart emoji here for Arthur*
    True concern likes this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Dominica and @deanokat thank you both and yes I am really considering finding a therapist, I think it's time.I have trust issue's and the thought of opening up completely honestly terrifies me,just because I carry so much but I truly want a chance to make amends and to finally reclaim my life and I know I need to face all these thing's head on but it's still scary.My biggest problem is I struggle with self hate as soon of these memories I just can't believe myself, I am not the picture of my life that addiction has painted,however it's hard to accept that that is basically the picture of me that exist so it bothers me a lot and at the same time I know the only way to start painting a more accurate picture of myself I need to get beyond these damn memories that haunt me. I will be seeking a therapist once I can walk again and that should be around Jan as my surgery is right around the corner, repair physically, repair mentally and make peace with myself and hopefully other's. Thank you both again your support has been a major help in my journey to a sober life and I could not express properly with word's how grateful I am. A Virtual Hug to you both.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Sounds like a plan, @True concern. For what it's worth, I was very hesitant (and skeptical) about therapy. But I finally got to a point where I was at the end of my rope, and there wasn't enough rope to tie another knot to keep from slipping off. So I figured "what the hell" and decided to give therapy a try. I have to admit, I didn't like the first two therapists I went to, but I finally found one I clicked with on the third try. And she saved me. For that, I am eternally grateful. I hope you can have the same kind of experience. :)
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  6. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern I'm glad that you're going to look for a therapist once you recover from your surgery. I'm not sure if you are a book reader, but there may be some books out there that can help you in the meantime. Or some valuable YouTube videos from therapists or professionals. Try to take a little bit of time each day to read or listen to something that will encourage and inspire you. It's tough to pour from an empty cup, so be sure that you're filling up. I receive your virtual hug and hug you right back bear hug-style!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I like to read yes but I have very bad eye's and I haven't gotten new contact's or anything in almost 6-7 year's so though I like to read I can only do it for like 20 minutes at a time then the word's become to blurry to make out and lot's of time's I think a word says something it doesn't and I don't know until I rest my eye's and re read but I plan on seeing a eye Dr shortly after my knee surgery because I want to go back to school in my spare time
    deanokat likes this.