This has been so devastating to my soul and the people I love. Everytime I drink too much, I end up forgetting about all the torment I dealt with after. It took me multiple times before I realized how serious this was; I was about to lose everything, including the girl I love so much. Everytime, I think that I can get away with it because I didn't do very much. It turned me into this sexual deviant that made me want to do things so shameful that I would never ever do sober. The end result was horrible, which I felt before and everytime I questioned myself as to why I keep doing this! I learned something that I didn't realize the last time up until the very last time. I experienced immense pain over thinking about the people I hurt that love me. It's finally enough. I cannot bare the thought of embarrassment and losing my fiance. I love her more than anything and I will do ANYTHING to fix this. She gave me one last chance, I think. I'm not screwing this up for her or for me and my child. I am still really hurt that I hurt her and was too selfish to make a change earlier. I would do anything to reverse this, but I can't. So I pray to God all the time for help and hope, that I didn't lose a beautiful women. I will not let her down or my child. If you really love someone, you will leave this life forever. I need a chance, another one. The pain/torture is not worth it. On the road to my happiness.