Sorry if this is the wrong forum, my problems are with adderal and molly, this seemed like the closest category. I'm 46 years old, single dad to a beautiful 8 year old boy. I feel like I have ruined my life with drugs, and I'm feeling so desperate and I need help. I started smoking pot when I was 16, and have been more or less a heavy smoker ever since. I think I may actually have a chance at stopping at this point, as I haven't had any in a few weeks now and somehow I don't feel the urge for more. But dealing with the aftermath of all of the terrible decisions I've made over the years from being high all the time is so overwhelming. Being high on pot would make me manic, would cause me to make bad decisions that have been devastating financially, and have pushed away so many people in my life, including my family. Even if I do manage to stop at this point, dealing with how it has negatively impacted my life, thinking about how my life could have been different, is so overwhelming that it gives me thoughts of suicide. The other big problem has been with adderal, molly, or cocaine. I've been sporadically using them since my 20's, ranging from once every couple of months to a couple times a week. It always has to do with sex... usually by myself, watching porn for sometimes up to 14 hours straight... less frequently, with someone else.... the combination of sex and one or a combination of these drugs feels so impossibly good that I just keep coming back to it. In recent months it's been really bad. I have had fairly consistent access to molly and/or adderal, and have been doing them a few times a month. In the part week I did molly once and then adderal once, heavy doses both times. It's now been three days since the adderal, and the hangover has been a nightmare. I've seen therapists over the years for anxiety and depression, but I've never been honest about the drug use. What's really crazy is that I've been on all sorts of psychiatric medications while doing all of these drugs. Through the endless discussions with doctors and therapists I was never honest about the drug use. I was just so ashamed. Now I really want to change. I'm going to start seeing a therapist who specializes in drug abuse. I might try an NA meeting, although I'm intimidated. The whole "higher power" thing will be very challenging for me, as I'm a totally secular atheist. This is the first time I've ever put all of this in writing, so maybe that's a good sign. I love my son so much, and he loves me. We spend a lot of time together, it's something wonderful that I have. I don't want him to lose his dad. Honestly, without him I don't think I'd be here. I probably would have ended my life long ago. Please share your thoughts, I would be so grateful. Thank you.