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First post. Seeking hope. Please help

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by djn1172, Jan 20, 2019.

  1. djn1172

    djn1172 Member

    Sorry if this is the wrong forum, my problems are with adderal and molly, this seemed like the closest category.

    I'm 46 years old, single dad to a beautiful 8 year old boy. I feel like I have ruined my life with drugs, and I'm feeling so desperate and I need help.

    I started smoking pot when I was 16, and have been more or less a heavy smoker ever since. I think I may actually have a chance at stopping at this point, as I haven't had any in a few weeks now and somehow I don't feel the urge for more. But dealing with the aftermath of all of the terrible decisions I've made over the years from being high all the time is so overwhelming. Being high on pot would make me manic, would cause me to make bad decisions that have been devastating financially, and have pushed away so many people in my life, including my family. Even if I do manage to stop at this point, dealing with how it has negatively impacted my life, thinking about how my life could have been different, is so overwhelming that it gives me thoughts of suicide.

    The other big problem has been with adderal, molly, or cocaine. I've been sporadically using them since my 20's, ranging from once every couple of months to a couple times a week. It always has to do with sex... usually by myself, watching porn for sometimes up to 14 hours straight... less frequently, with someone else.... the combination of sex and one or a combination of these drugs feels so impossibly good that I just keep coming back to it.

    In recent months it's been really bad. I have had fairly consistent access to molly and/or adderal, and have been doing them a few times a month. In the part week I did molly once and then adderal once, heavy doses both times. It's now been three days since the adderal, and the hangover has been a nightmare.

    I've seen therapists over the years for anxiety and depression, but I've never been honest about the drug use. What's really crazy is that I've been on all sorts of psychiatric medications while doing all of these drugs. Through the endless discussions with doctors and therapists I was never honest about the drug use. I was just so ashamed.

    Now I really want to change. I'm going to start seeing a therapist who specializes in drug abuse. I might try an NA meeting, although I'm intimidated. The whole "higher power" thing will be very challenging for me, as I'm a totally secular atheist.

    This is the first time I've ever put all of this in writing, so maybe that's a good sign. I love my son so much, and he loves me. We spend a lot of time together, it's something wonderful that I have. I don't want him to lose his dad. Honestly, without him I don't think I'd be here. I probably would have ended my life long ago.

    Please share your thoughts, I would be so grateful. Thank you.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @djn1172 hello and welcome. glad you're here.

    and glad you want to really make some big changes now in your life. good news is that it's never too late!

    great about seeing a therapist and being honest about the addiction. the truth will set you free :) well, the truth is part of the freeing process....

    i suggest you try NA meetings. the higher power thing.. ehhhh, let it go. your HP can be you if you want... but don't throw the baby out with the bath water. the extra support and sponsorship can prove valuable. i know some don't care to go to meetings and others say they saved their life!!! so, can't hurt to go and try. do whatever it takes and get a jump start on recovery!!

    remember recover is a process. chances are you've been running and numbing your whole life on some level... so the digging process will take time, uncovering root causes (old trauma, wounds, pain, etc.) and i know that might seem scary... but it's not as scary as we make it out to be. face the pain. feel the pain and heal the pain... i say that b/c most therapists will say a large number of those struggling with addiction have unresolved trauma...

    we will be here to cheer you on! we will support you however we can.... never to judge.

    i'm sure you do love your son so much. and he loves you. so great you're really putting forth the effort and reaching out for help so you can fully be present for him.

    hope this helps. we believe in YOU....
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  3. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

  4. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

    I'm 47 yrs old and I lost my will to live anymore I've lost my family.only thing that takes the pain and the memories away is getting high. But that only last for so long.. it's the come down is when it hits home again. I've been thinking about the only way I can get over this is to end my own life ivI' tried in over dose but someone always There too pervent it from happening. Today im thinking I miss my five year old daughter so much. Iknow I sound stupid and I really give up. Im cold at 47 years old. I should have the world.. I did at one time. Idk what to do anymore . I need my family I just wish I had someone to talk to I'm totally gone crazy. I know I'm not in right place to be saying what im going through. Lost forever..
  5. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

    :(:( i can't even cry anymore..
  6. djn1172

    djn1172 Member

    Dominica thank you so much. I'm still struggling through the hangover, I feel like I have a good chance of stopping, but dealing with the aftermath... the regret of what my life could have been, and how do I claw my way back... it's so daunting.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Lost forever. hey there. i'm so sorry you're struggling so much. i am glad you are here reaching out for help. i know the pain seems overwhelming... i do have to say, if you feel suicidal, please, please, please call the suicide hotline at Call 1-800-273-8255. You can chat with them online too...

    or go to your local emergency room and ask for help. it sounds like you may need professionals to help you through this time in your life....

    i don't know what your life has been like, but i do know that there is hope for a better life.... with the right recovery path for you....hard work (i mean, hard ass work), time, patience, and persistence, and faith, it's possible to regain YOU.... and your family... or at least build a bridge to get closer to them.

    feel free to share more here. we will gladly give you some encouragement and support. you're not a lost cause. you're not a failure. you're a human being with an a lot of pain...and don't know how to get out... but YOU... you are a good soul... let us remind you of that.

    hope to keep seeing you here.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    it IS daunting... but pain is a pathway to joy... and i know that because i've had my share of pain and heartaches and mistakes made and more.... and it was hard to climb out, but darnit, i was determined....and got down and dirty doing what i call the "inner healing work"... and it took years... but worth the effort.

    we've seen some pretty incredible stories here in the forum. just like you, men and women come broken...confused...lost...lonely...angry... etc.

    but journeyed toward freedom day in and day out... through relapses. through more pain. through things not going as planned... but also through milestones completed, victories to shout about... all of it.

    take some time to read around. come on as often as you want and well, get to know us and let us get to know you. never any judgment here. we believe in you and want the best for you. and will hold space for you as you work to get that!
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @djn1172... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing with us. I'm so happy you found us, and I admire your desire to change your life for the better. I'm super proud of you for that!

    Doing therapy with a therapist who specializes in drug abuse is a great thing. And going to meetings would likely help you a lot, too. If you're at all leery of the "higher power" concept of 12-step meetings, I urge you to try SMART Recovery meetings. They aren't as prevalent as NA or AA, but they are totally devoid of the "higher power" thing and have helped a lot of people find and maintain sobriety. They are especially appealing to non-religious people. You can find out more about SMART--and search for meetings--at their website:

    We're here to help and support and encourage you. We're also very good listeners, so if you ever need to just get something off your chest, you can do that here. You are not alone, my friend.
    Dominica likes this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lost forever.... Welcome, my friend. I want you to know that things CAN get better for you. And that taking your own life is not the answer. It may seem like the only way out at this point, but it's a permanent solution to temporary problems. I urge you to go to the emergency room. They can help you. I know that because I have an adult son who struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts and the ER has always been a tremendous help to him. You can also call the suicide hotline like @Dominica suggested. Their number is 1-800-273-8255. You can also find them online at

    We are here for you, my friend. And we will listen if you need to vent.
    Dominica likes this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @djn1172 @Lost forever. hello there! just thinking of you this morning and sending you positive vibes.

    feel free to reach out anytime... we're here..and we care.
    Lost forever. and deanokat like this.
  12. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @Lost forever.... It's Wednesday morning and I want you to know that you're on my mind. I hope you're doing alright. We care about you, my friend. Please check in with us and let us know how you are. Remember: You are wonderful human being with a purpose.
    Dominica likes this.
  14. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

    Thank you so much I'm talking to an old friend of mine who is 24 yrs clean. I'm slowly doing it.i will get back with you.and thank you
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  15. Lost forever.

    Lost forever. Member

    Thank you my friend means alota to me. But imI doing better. I know its going to be a long road.. but I will be on top again..
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  16. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

  17. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    You WILL be on top again, my friend! I'm so happy you reached out to your friend with 24 years of clean time. That's a great person to have in your support network. I'm sure they can share tons of insight and experience with you, and help you on your journey.