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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Scared out of my mind, Jul 29, 2019.

  1. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    i am 39 and I am currently battling a fentyl addiction wanting so bad to quit but scared of the painful withdrawals I have gone through withdrawals twice now and you would think that would be enough but I keep going back to old habits. The first time I went through the withdrawals I wanted to end it all to be done with the pain. The second time wasn't so bad I eased it with kratom sleeping it off most of the time. Here I am now back at it and wanting to stop there is no groups in the town I live in for drug addicts and the AA is ran by my aunt so that out of the question. I feel like this is never going to end. Feeling hopeless everyday
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    What's your current dose?How long a stretch have you been on?
    I have detoxed over 100 times so 2 isn't unheard of my friend,I'm just trying to say I've gone back more than anyone I've ever known so beat this now my friend,take your life back before 20 year's evaporates.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you

    I hope you can draw some inspiration from my first post above

    NEVER GIVE UP YOUR NOT ALONE
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  4. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    I have been taking it for about 2 years now 100 mcg patches I cut them up and chew on them it's been 2 months since I tried to quit and the reason I am really wanting to now is because I have a 50 mcg patch and because they are smaller I feel like I may have almost accidentally overdosed I started getting chest pains last night a dull pressure and today a sharp stabbing pain I'm so scared and I feel like I can't talk to no one here in fear of being judged and talked down to.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    Your story has me in tears right now I'm scared to talk to my wife about my addiction mainly because she blames herself and during my withdrawals I told her it was her fault and told her I hated her. So it's a touchy subject for us which is why I have looked else where for advice and comfor
    deanokat likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    You will never be judged here my friend,we are people who care and only want to help in anyway we can
    deanokat likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Ok so ya 100mcg to 50 mcg is a big drop but it is possible,at this drop you will probably have the shitts for about 5-7 days and then stabilize on 50 mcg,talk to your Dr they make patches that drop in sequence 100mcg to 75mcg-75mcg to 60mcg-60mcg to 50mcg and so on or if you are looking to get well quick talk to your Dr about Suboxone, whatever route you take know we are all here for you to lean on,ask advice,etc.

    Others will respond a bit later this morning.Stay Strong
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hey welcome glad you came to look for advice. There is nothing wrong with using a less harmful substance to get off fentanyl. Like @True concern said can you step down on the patches you need to taper.

    I understand it can be scary about people knowing your business and are scared of repercussions from family but this is your life man and with fentanyl your at the end brother. You seriously gotta make a choice that is dangerous and you are flirting with death.

    I use Kratom and some other supplements now. I took opiates for 10 years got up to 240mgs of oxy a day then took suboxone for 7 years.

    Could you possibly use some kind of MAT like Subutex or suboxone man it saved my life.

    We are all just like you trying to find a way to battle through this, no judgement here.
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2019
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Scared out of my mind hello there! welcome and thank you so much for reaching out. @True concern will be able to give you some great insight and advice on the matter. I'm not that familiar with this...

    I encourage you to read through this post by another forum member: https://talk.drugabuse.com/threads/freedom-from-fentanyl.6798/

    He got free from fentanyl too (he was chewing them too)... read the thread to see his journey, his struggles, his victories, and so on. I think you'll get a lot out of it...

    and, please keep coming here. we really do care and want to see you get free. your task is to discover your unique recovery path for YOU. what works for another might not work for you, so try different routes...different techniques, and so on. pray for clarity and guidance...and strength.

    look forward to hearing back. i know you're scared, but rest assured there is a way to treat addiction, and wean yourself off... you may need a professional to help...something to think about...

    just know we are here.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Scared out of my mind... Welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear of your struggle with fentanyl, but I'm glad you found us and posted here. And rest assured: You will never be judged or talked down to here. We are a loving, caring group of people who understand what you're going through. You are NOT alone, my friend!

    You've already gotten some words of wisdom from others. I would encourage you to read that thread @Dominica gave you the link to. @loser (aka Robert) did an amazing job weaning himself off of fentanyl. I'm sure that thread would provide you with great information/tips/etc. And if we're really lucky, @loser may pop in here and respond to your post himself.

    You want to quit, and that's the first big step. You just have to figure out what method works best for you. One question: Have you ever considered seeing an addiction specialist? They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps for you. Just a thought. Addiction specialists are thoroughly trained in all aspects of addiction, so they know way more about the subject than "regular" doctors do.

    We're here to help, support, and listen. You can come here anytime to lean on us, vent, etc.

    I'm sending you tons of positive, healing energy. And even more encouragement and hope. You can do this. I know you can. And we will help you however we can.
  11. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    Thank you so much
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    You're very welcome. Use us as part of your support network, okay? That's what we're here for.
    Dominica likes this.
  13. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    I know I have had many close calls I can tell when I have had to much when the chest pains starts and I can't breath I keep the narcon class I have tried kratom..and it help me get through with draws when I run out but this time I have nothing and the restlessness is setting I'm so scared at this point this is the part that scares me the most my wife tries to keep me going with pills, kratom and weed but the mentality Im stuck in with this crap Feels like it doesn't help at all. I know it's all n my head.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Sending you more positive, healing energy, @Scared out of my mind. Have you considered seeing an addiction specialist???
  15. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    Hang in there man I think your at a crossroads and you gotta make a decision which way you want your life to go. I hope you are able to figure it out. Sending positive energy my friend.
    Joshstillclean and deanokat like this.
  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

  17. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I'm lat egetting to this but if you are still watching this then know that even if you are still using then you can quit.
    That urgency and fear I could tell was so real was just like how oh was going on two years ago. When I started getting clean. I came here and had my phone in hand waiting for my dope girl to call and wanting to stop at the same time. I posted on here and was puking in a bucket I had a needle ready and lo and behold it was the good folks above that blew my phone up with support until I was pit of the woods.
    I am clean now man. And even though it sucks, it can be done. Seems like forever while your going through it but what is a couple weeks compared to the rest of your life. You need to go to a hospital. Take it from me, my heart has stopped from this sh/t.
    And I was having pain like you described before i flatlined.
    These patches are no joke to get off of. Your talking about something that would OD a hard core heroin addict.
    Over 100mcg with chest pain, yeah you could wean down like @True concern said. He's spot on with everything. I am concerned about the chest pain. I ate (chewed)my patches too. Then I snorted them. I think there is something about eating them I have a few friends who have had heart trouble from this same thing.
    Suboxone saved my life. I'm praying for you. Hard.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    Im starting get really bad migraines as well
  19. Scared out of my mind

    Scared out of my mind Active Contributor

    Update on me I'm trying right now I have migraines and I can't stay off the toilet haven't quit but weaning down I'm terrified at this point I know the leg and arms restlessness is coming and that the worst part for me
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  20. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    What dose are you at now? How long have you been on this dose and are you taking anything else?