So this is my first time posting on any type of forum. I have tried many times to get sober, but ultimately end up relapsing. I went one year back in college without alcohol but used pot the whole time. I keep going back to alcohol intermittently (I usually can go about 2 weeks without it) and then fall back into binging on alcohol and then using weed and cocaine (and whatever else is around when I’m drunk). I desperately want to maintain my sobriety. Every time I relapse I feel as though I am a huge failure. I spend days and weeks beating myself up and negative self talking that I failed yet again. I agonize over everything I did and said when I was drunk/high and am constantly embarrassed. I’m always afraid I’ll run into people I saw when I was drunk/high and am mortified of the shame of this experience (it doesn’t help that I live in a small town). I went to college for 8 years, have two degrees, including an advanced one, and feel as though I am throwing all my hard work down the drain. I am starting a new job in a little over a month and am ready to leave this awful chapter of my life behind me. This cycle of two weeks off, x weeks on has been going on for about a year now. Before I was somewhat better at maintaining my composure and not flying off into binges, maybe because I had a full time job then and now I don’t? I am excited for this new job opportunity and really scared I’m going to mess it up. I have been an addict since I was 15 years old and I want to be done. Unfortunately I do feel very alone as my husband also is an addict that went 13 years sober and now just recently has relapsed. I feel an immense amount of guilt about this too, as we’ve been together for 6 years and now I’ve “corrupted” him. I am not certain what the future holds for him. I know he is miserable too and wants to stop, but also I’m scared because it is now so ingrained in our relationship now that I fear we negatively influence each other. We go out to eat then drink, then go out to a bar after, then sometimes even bring strangers back to our house and party all night. I hate it. I am naturally introverted person who likes their sanctuary space and doing this makes me feel even worse afterwards like my house has been tainted in someway. We have a beautiful home and used to have a beautiful life and I just want that back. Well laying all this out here feels very scary to me and I am hoping there are others out there who may have some insight, advice or support. Thanks.