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First time reaching out

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by newday13, Jul 31, 2019.

  1. newday13

    newday13 Member

    So this is my first time posting on any type of forum. I have tried many times to get sober, but ultimately end up relapsing. I went one year back in college without alcohol but used pot the whole time. I keep going back to alcohol intermittently (I usually can go about 2 weeks without it) and then fall back into binging on alcohol and then using weed and cocaine (and whatever else is around when I’m drunk). I desperately want to maintain my sobriety. Every time I relapse I feel as though I am a huge failure. I spend days and weeks beating myself up and negative self talking that I failed yet again. I agonize over everything I did and said when I was drunk/high and am constantly embarrassed. I’m always afraid I’ll run into people I saw when I was drunk/high and am mortified of the shame of this experience (it doesn’t help that I live in a small town). I went to college for 8 years, have two degrees, including an advanced one, and feel as though I am throwing all my hard work down the drain. I am starting a new job in a little over a month and am ready to leave this awful chapter of my life behind me. This cycle of two weeks off, x weeks on has been going on for about a year now. Before I was somewhat better at maintaining my composure and not flying off into binges, maybe because I had a full time job then and now I don’t? I am excited for this new job opportunity and really scared I’m going to mess it up. I have been an addict since I was 15 years old and I want to be done. Unfortunately I do feel very alone as my husband also is an addict that went 13 years sober and now just recently has relapsed. I feel an immense amount of guilt about this too, as we’ve been together for 6 years and now I’ve “corrupted” him. I am not certain what the future holds for him. I know he is miserable too and wants to stop, but also I’m scared because it is now so ingrained in our relationship now that I fear we negatively influence each other. We go out to eat then drink, then go out to a bar after, then sometimes even bring strangers back to our house and party all night. I hate it. I am naturally introverted person who likes their sanctuary space and doing this makes me feel even worse afterwards like my house has been tainted in someway. We have a beautiful home and used to have a beautiful life and I just want that back. Well laying all this out here feels very scary to me and I am hoping there are others out there who may have some insight, advice or support. Thanks.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @newday13 hello and welcome. thanks for reaching out. i'm glad you want a new life... a new way of living. are you able to sit with your husband and be vulnerable? share with him what you just shared here? i think that may be valuable. there's no shame in being real and raw...

    also, have you considered therapy? i found it to be super helpful at various times in my life. to have that person to be accountable to and just someone where you can bear it all. dig deep...

    also, are you wanting to find a support group in your community? might help too. of course, there are treatment centers too if you're wanting to go that route.

    we will be here to journey with you. seems as if you have a very polished "outer" world... like the shiny apple... but inside, some worms squirming around. it's great to really start looking more within...contemplating what you really want out of life...and moving in that direction. often, those with addiction issues have some past trauma or abuse they've never really dealt with. not everyone...but many. not sure if that's applicable to you, but working through it can help.

    we are here if you need!
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Don't beat yourself up to bad, I know easier said than done, I am the same way or at least I was. I finally saw a few professionals and my life is now back on track, I still have a lot of work to do but I'm making progress. I encourage you to see a therapist, counselor, and even a psychiatrist, I fought these things for so many years and when I finally gave in and started seeing these people it changed my life for the better.

    STAY STRONG MY FRIEND AND GOD BLESS
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @newday13... Welcome to the forum and kudos to you for wanting to get and stay sober. You want to do it, and that's the first big step.

    It's no secret that it can take many, many tries for someone to find and maintain long-term sobriety, so please don't be too hard on yourself. I like to think of sobriety as a learned behavior, and just like any other learned behavior it takes practice before you master it. If you decided to learn to speak Russian, you wouldn't expect to be fluent in it right away, would you? Hell no! You would commit to learning, study, practice, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, practice some more, make more mistakes, etc. Eventually, though, you would learn to speak Russian. It would take some trial and error, but you would get there. That's how I look at sobriety. Think progress, not perfection.

    I think seeing an addiction specialist would be a good idea. They can assess your individual situation and recommend the best next steps for you. Therapy would be good, too. It's very common for there to be underlying causes that fuel our addiction. Sometimes we have an idea what those causes are; and sometimes we don't. A good therapist can help you discover, confront, and take care of those issues. Maybe think about going to AA or NA meetings, too. (Maybe see if your husband would go with you?)

    We're here for you. We understand your issues and will never judge you. So you can feel safe here. So please come and post anytime you'd like. Even if it's just to vent.

    I'm sending you a truckload of positive juju, hope, and encouragement. And I want you to know that I'm proud of you for coming here and sharing with us. That is all kinds of awesome.

    P.S. Here's a video I made a while back. Take a couple of minutes to watch it. Relapse is NOT failure!

  5. newday13

    newday13 Member

    Thank you to all of you for responding to my post! I can’t tell you much it means to me that you took the time to respond. I have definitely gained some insight from your words of encouragement and the recommendations you gave. I will be using this forum going forward as a resource on my journey, and hope to someday be that support for others who need it ❤️
  6. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    Glad your here @newday13 and will continue to come back. There is so much here we can all learn from. I wish you the best of luck in your journey. Much love
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    hi. im so glad you reached out and found this site. im josh- a recovering heroin, benzo coke, and a few others addict.
    im also a recovered alcoholic. yes i know many wont agree with that but i am recovered, or delivered from alcoholism. and i couldnt drink even if i wanted as the smell of any type of alcohol makes me vomit immediately. this has happened recently even in the middle of a wal mart, i smelled a beer that had burst open and i projectile vomited on the ilse. no time to get to the bathroom. a few months ago the same thing happened when i wa in a circle k with my son. i know i am healed of alcoholism.
    but alcohol probably did as much if not more damage to me that all the others combined. it was when i drank that i did everything under the sun. i dont even like acid, but get me drunk and ill trip anytime. i lose all morals.
    you r story kinda reminded me of my issue with alcohol. i know its not easy, but for alcoholics like us- one is too many and 12 is not enough. if you just got a hold on the drinking then it would emensly improve things. and your depressed mood has a lot to do with drinking as well...
    i never believed this because i got so happy and energetic when i drank but it is a depressant. and long term use will lead to low self-esteem, and many other bad feelings. and kill relashionships. i know that one from experience as well. i will be praying for you.
    you can overcome this. and will perform so much betterat your new job without the booze.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @newday13 happy friday! hope you had a good evening last night. and, that you have a great day today.

    remember, we are here for you. come anytime to share. we're rooting for you!
  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hope you have a great Friday and an even better weekend, @newday13! We're glad you're a part of our "family"! :)
    Joshstillclean likes this.
  10. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    hi again. hope all is well. i know its late but i hope that you read this tomorrow. (if your still up and you read it tonight, then think twice before doing anything you'll regret!) nighttime is a bad time for addicts for some reason.
    anyway i had something important to add. i am introverted also. over the internet you may not can tell, but in person i am the one that everyone asks if i am ok because i am so quiet and off to be by myself. that was i liked (really the only thing i liked) about alcohol. it made me THINK i was more outgoing. but really i was just more obnoxious and yes, i sometimes got rowdy, but rarely. so i used to despise my introverted personality with a passion. i thought it was like a curse. im older and no longer shy, and really dont much care anymore, but thats why i USED and ABUSED the heck out of alcohol-so i could make "friends".LOL
    since ive gotten sober ive gotten rid of all friends and family that isnt sober or trying to be. i do not have one friend anymore. not ONE, literally. but who cares, im not drinking and sleeping with random women and taking pills that i dont even know what they are anymore. thats how i was when i drank.
    what you said about your guilt about the aftermath of your drinking hit me in the gut. i have not read a post that resonated with me like that in a long time. please stop drinking.
    im a smart, safety concious person- i really try to teach my son safety-and to be logical. but when i used to drink i wouold go to "skittle parties". where we all brought a bottle of prescription pills, put them in a bowl, and we could all get out a certain number. im so blessed to be alive. you would never catch me at a skittle party being that stupid no matter what i did-unless it was drinking.
    in my opinion booze is the most evil and deadliest drug their is. theres good reason why the american indians first started refering to it as "Spirits"...think about that a second, WOW.
    as for your guilt, i have a solution! if what your first post says is true about your husbands relapse being recent and he wants to quit, then you quit too. you show him how to do it all over again. if your already gonna take the blame for his messing up-then get him to hop back on the wagon and sober up and take some credit for taking the lead there as well. if you do that you will have changed your life, his life, and your futures. all you have to do is want it. so since you both do- do it. and i can say that because i have myself.
    i have faith in you and will keep praying for you.
    True concern and Onceaddicted77 like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    How are you doing my friend? I know I'm putting you on the spot but how are you REALLY DOING?And I consider myself your friend,but I assume you are talking about one close to you that you can see in person and hang out with,anyways I'm still your friend so there lol:p:p
    Dominica, deanokat and Joshstillclean like this.
  12. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    im a little confused. you qouted me when you asked how are you doing? are you talking to me?
  13. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    LOL, I quoted you just so you knew I was talking to you....It wasn't necessarily to reference that post rather just your name:)
    Dominica likes this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I suppose I could have simplified it by just tagging you,my bad for creating confusion my friend...but yes I was talking to you. I'm worried about your health,stress,and over all well being.Also hope to get an update on how the Subutex is working out, I maybe wrong but something tells me you need someone to lean on a bit and I just want you to know I'm always here for you.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Happy Monday, @newday13. Just wondering how things are going with you. How was your weekend? If you feel like it, please consider stopping by and giving us an update. We're here. And we care.
    Joshstillclean and True concern like this.
  16. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    hey. im doing really well. honestly i am. hmm, along with really well i am a little stressed. ive got a lot of responsibility now. really more than ive ever had. if you notice the last couple days i have some 2 and i think 3 am posts. im trying to stay in touch. but thats the time that i got finished with everything. so i have been busy.
    but im not complaining and its been a good thing. not really able to let my mind wander into bad territory.
    and you asked about the Subutex... thats going good. im keeping it at a low low dose. i do not want a nightmare again if i had to suddenly stop taking it. but truth is if i were to suddenly stop taking it then i would immediatley have to be put on methadone. which i want to avoid. its not that i fear a relapse its the kidney thing. i DID fear repapsing, but thats no longer a fear. so if i could just figure a way to get my kidneys to work without opioids then i would not be on it. but im not abusing it. not crushing and snorting no needles for sure...so really its doing its job and allowing me to do my job.
    cant ask for more than that.i did find an insurance that would pay for methadone strangly enough though. but i dont want to be tied down to going to a clinic daily. that really is so inconvienient. at least this way i only go once a month to the docotr and once a month to the pharmacy. having to pay sucks, but i have my freedom. i could go on a vacation witout someones permission...stuff like that and thats a big deal to me.
    odd that you bring that up since a few people have been saying that i should let the insurance pay for it and get on methadone. but thats a ball and chain as much as heroin is - almost. at least thats how i feel about it.
    it would save 240 bucks a month but is it worth it? what do you think?
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  17. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Moderator Community Listener

    No way brother. Full agonist again? You remember that nightmare right?
  18. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    Honestly I do. However I was wondering if I did. I say that because when I was told about this insurance that I would qualify for they were wondering why i so strongly opposed the idea.
    It was a family member that I,don't know well just trying to be helpful but they don't know from anything opium based. I dought they even have taken Tylenol 3...
    So I really was wondering huh, do I remember it the way it really was? Because I remember pure hell. Something to never go back to. The ball and chain of not being able to leave for a short beach trip or go out of state to visit family was a small deal. The big deal was total mind numbingly stupid high in the morning followed by a speedy wide open work day and a few hours of nodding only to crash and wake up early sweating waiting for the dang place to open.
    That's how I remember it. So thanks for the clarification...memeroy, ✔
    Subutex ✔
    Methadone...run!
    They can have my 240 bucks with a smile.
  19. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Community Champion

    I second that. How are you?
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Do not go on methadone Josh...You know as well as I do methadone will bring back feelings of euphoria and that could lead you the wrong way.Try some vitamins,like a once daily plus do a little research on others which are good for kidney health and function also some places make smoothies with fresh fruit and vegetables...these things help my friend. I asked how you were doing because I am aware of the new job duties and responsibilities and I'm sure your stress is at an all time high right now...Stay the course,focus,stay calm and push forward. I believe in you my friend you just have to never stop believing in yourself!There will be bad days,there will be good day's each one however is a sober day so Stay Strong and God Bless you and your family