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Fracturing a family

Discussion in 'Methamphetamine / Meth' started by kh6912, Mar 23, 2015.

  1. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    In my introductory thread, I talked a bit about my father and the unhealthy relationship we had, in which he provided me with drugs and alcohol as a young teen, did not enforce boundaries, and taught me nothing of self respect. In this thread, I'll go a little further into detail about his continuing drug abuse and how it mangled an already fragile relationship.

    Years after I had gotten clean thanks to my first pregnancy, my father's health declined. He had Hepatitis C and a whole list of complications from it. He always swore to me that there was no chance he contracted the virus through dirty needles, and I had given him the benefit of the doubt. Until right before Christmas one year.

    My husband and I were newlyweds. We had been through a couple scares regarding my father's health and well-being which pushed us to move in with him, so we could help with his diet and medicine routine. We found a big house in the city with a basement apartment for my dad, and we all moved in. Everything went great for awhile, but soon I became concerned about some of the visitors he was having. He was adamant that he was not doing drugs, and neither were his friends. Looking back, I should've known better than to trust him. I only asked him to not invite the friends in question over anymore, because I could not reasonably trust them. After all, my 5 year old daughter was upstairs. I didn't want to take any chances.

    One night at dinner, my father seemed out of sorts, so I asked what was wrong. Could I help? He snapped at me, telling me to leave him alone. I was taken aback, but figured he was just in pain and not feeling well. The next morning, I went downstairs to check on him, but he was gone. Maybe he had just gone for a walk. I went about my day, until I received a text from him informing me that he was in the hospital. I immediately got in the car and headed there. I had texted him before leaving, asking him what was going on. When I arrived in the hospital lobby, I checked my phone to find a new message from him. As I read what he had typed, my knees went out from under me and my heart sank to the floor along with my body. He was "so sorry", but he had shot up some bad meth into his arms and had almost had them both amputated.

    I struggled to breathe as I made my way to the elevator to get to his room. At the time, I was so scared for my father. When I reached his room I began to sob uncontrollably at the sight of him. His arms were bandaged and he looked horrible. He apologized with tears in his eyes, and assured me he would be alright.

    Later that night, back at home, I lay my head in my husband's lap as we sat on the couch in silence. The Christmas tree gave off the only light. I felt my heart shatter again and again as the situation sank in. My father had babysat my 5 year old while my husband and I worked. My god, what have I done? What have I exposed my baby to? The next morning my husband went into my father's apartment and found spoons and needles.

    My father came home in time for Christmas, but things were tense. I was becoming more and more angry with each passing day. I felt betrayed. I was having nightmares. It was hard to speak to him. We blew up at each other one afternoon. He screamed at me to get out of his house. So my husband and I got some boxes and began packing. We were out within a week.

    A year passed without much incident, but then my father began asking when he could babysit again. The answer was never. He would have to be satisfied with supervised visits with his granddaughter. Another year passed before my father informed me that he was leaving the state. He told another family member that it was because I never let him see my children. It didn't make any sense, and only made me angrier.

    It's been a few weeks since he moved away, and I'm still trying to find a way to fully forgive my father. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he endangered my family. That cuts deep. That doesn't heal easily, if at all. I worked hard to provide a safe, drug free life for my family, and who did he think he was to ruin that?

    I don't have nightmares anymore, but I still can't tolerate the idea of meth. If there is anyone here struggling with a meth addiction, think of your family. Think of how much you are hurting them. Consider them. Don't ruin your relationships.
  2. jbbarn

    jbbarn Active Contributor

    Thank you for sharing such a heart-breaking story. It can't be easy, but hopefully it will help with your healing process. As much as your father wanted to live a normal life with normal family members, he just couldn't do it. I think in cases of extreme addiction, a kind of sociopathy sets in. That is, a person loses the ability to sympathize with others. The drug becomes the source of life for them. I think you absolutely did the right thing and I applaud you for it. Your children deserve every precaution you can take.
    MollyB likes this.
  3. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    Meth pretty much destroyed my family as well. My mom was a big time user. She did every drug she could get her hands on and was very self destructive and selfish. She slowly drifted away and at times slammed a wedge between herself and her kids.

    Eventually, over time and years of abuse, she finally got a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. We, her kids, went to see her in the hospital, but we weren't on the visitors list. But it was a low budget hospital and we got in anyways. That was hard man. Seeing your mom in that state and half of her body was paralyzed. The messed up part was that she didn't look happy to see us at all. She looked pissed!!

    Needless to say, she did get out of the hospital and moved in with family members. But she got tossed around a bit because every family member thought they would collect something from the state for taking care of her. So she got shuffled around from one greedy family member to the next. Sad, really sad.

    Eventually she passed away a lonely person, that made no attempt to make things right with her kids. So there is no happy ending to this story. As they say, that's real life.
  4. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    I can't believe I'm about to have to type this but it's happening again. This time with my best friend.

    She was beautiful, and smart, and happy. Over the last 4 years her friends and family have watched her devolve into a haggard, angry person, but we assumed it was her latest boyfriend dragging her down. We never suspected what she told me 2 nights ago. It's been meth this whole time.

    She's alienated everyone. Fits of rage, lies, total personality switch.. we all agree she's no longer the person we know and love. The only person who ever seriously suggested it was a drug problem was my husband, who has been there and done that also, and isn't blinded by memories and love for her as much as the rest of us.

    To make a long story short, she skipped town 4 years ago, told us all to F off and let her live her life, failed to make it work in the new town, came back home, joined the carnival, went out on the road, came back home with an ex-felon 12 years older than her who has 5 or 6 kids he's lost custody of already (and this is apparently the time when she first tried meth). No one in the family approves. They skip town again, after once again telling everyone to F off. They move to AL, where the carnies go in the off season. She miscarries early in her first pregnancy. They come home and leave again. Another pregnancy. They steal a truck and come home. Neither of them hold down a job for more than a few months. They're broke. Things look up when they get a new place before the baby's born. I do think, and she claims, that she quit using during the pregnancy, and they baby was healthy and didn't get taken away, so I guess I believe her. But she says that after the baby was born, she started using again. And hasn't stopped. Until a month ago, when she skipped town yet again, separated from the boyfriend, and moved to LA to stay with his parents. She and boyfriend still talk because "he understands what she's going through". The family is still under the impression that she's just chasing him to the ends of the earth and he is to blame for her personality changes.

    She says she left because it's too easy to get meth here. She can't resist it. She had to get away from it and get to the point where she can say no, because right now she can't. But, she still maintains that she has always put the baby, who will be 1 next month, first. That she has done what's best for the baby (like blowing 2k of her tax refund on meth). She says that because she's not having withdrawals that she's not addicted. That it's not that bad. That she doesn't need help (even though she's sobbing on the phone with me telling me she's totally lost herself). She won't accept the idea of rehab because it would look bad and because "it's no one else's responsibility to take care of my baby".

    I told her she needs to tell her family the truth, that they deserve that much. But she doesn't think she needs to. She regrets telling me. I've tried checking in with her for 2 days and the last message I got from her said "I'm not gonna tell her on not gonna tell anybody I'm gonna do this myself.. So if you want to go ahead cuz I already feel pushed against the wall and I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.. I've been sober for 3 weeks now and off that shot for over a month and I'm fine.. No withdraws I don't think about it everyday so I'm not a full blown addict.. I don't need rehab.. I dont anything but to be left alone for awhile. Tell mom I love her I'm turning my phone off and leaving it off.. I knew this was gonna happen as soon as I told someone.. I love you but I can do this by myself.."

    One part of me says, she's taking care of it. She's doing the right thing. But the bigger part of me says, she can't do this alone. She's a threat to herself and her baby. She needs help. She's in over her head.

    She told me where she got the stuff in our town. I want so badly to call and have them busted. I want EVERY meth dealer dead. Dead. I'm so sick of it ruining my relationships, my friends and my family. I just want to live in a world where it doesn't exist.

    I don't know if I should tell her family the truth. I think I should, because they deserve the truth, and because if something happens and I hadn't done everything in my power to help and create awareness, I would be to blame. But she's 3 weeks clean. Would it make a difference to say anything now? Besides give her family some much needed answers? Is that reason enough? How can I help protect this baby? Is there really nothing I can do? I know where they're staying..

    I'm not concerned about losing my friend. I don't know if I will ever be able to look at her without thinking "you put your baby's life at risk. You are not safe, you are not okay, you are not welcome in my life". I'm so angry, but is it pointless? My dad said he quit too, but I don't trust him. How can I trust her?
  5. I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. Thanks for sharing your story. You have inspired me to let others know about the dangers of this drug.
  6. vegito12

    vegito12 Community Champion

    I think her friends and family need to know and, can know what has been bothering her and it is sad when someone get's addicted to something like this. It is important they know, maybe you will not have her as a friend because you told them but they have a right to know and if she has been clean it could change if the mind thinks of going back as well. I reckon, if they can help it would be good and maybe able to get the proper help and also try and change the life for the better and also hope she get's the help to stay away from drugs.
  7. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    I talked to her mom, who is also like a mother to me. She already knew! Apparently my friend wasn't as discreet as she thought she was, and Mom had several of her coworkers tell her that they were pretty sure my friend was on meth. Mom understood why I was so torn about telling her. And my friend did basically tell me to F off after that, saying it wasn't my place to tell Mom and that I needed to stop thinking I knew what was best for her. I haven't had any contact with her since, but she has been talking to Mom and "confessing" a lot of things, like the fact that the real reason she couldn't breastfeed her baby was because of the meth. So maybe there is some healing beginning. I'll just have to hope for the best.
  8. sadgyrl1325

    sadgyrl1325 Member

    Thanks so much for sharing your story, there are some people who are still addicts today that do not think of the damage it does to the families. But thanks again for the eye opener.
  9. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    A little piece of me dies inside every time I see this happen. This is much like the movie "Requiem For A Dream".
    Just a suggestion, if you haven't watched it, please do! And when your little girl gets a little older, make her watch that film too. It's the real deal.
  10. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    So hard to trust again when you've been put in that position. I think I would be the same as you -- declining babysitting and so forth and just sticking to supervised visits. Once the trust is broken and then you have to start from scratch again it can be incredibly difficult. Hopefully your hard line stance will be enough for him to clean up once and for all. Thanks for sharing such a tough story with us.
  11. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    Just got word that he's in the hospital in NC with liver and kidney issues. Haven't been able to get ahold of him, but I don't think there's anything at this point that can change him. He's old and set in his ways and in denial about a LOT of things.
  12. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    I have seen this movie, and it hurts to watch, especially now. I still have nightmares where I wake up clawing at my arms and freaking out. And I've never even shot up!
  13. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    The theme soundtrack still gives me the chills! So sad, and yet so true.
  14. kh6912

    kh6912 Member

    My father passed away on Wednesday. His liver and kidneys started failing and he went into cardiac arrest while the hospital was trying to transport him for dialysis. I hadn't talked to him in weeks.
  15. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    I am sorry for your loss. If it comforts you, I am sure he is in a better place now. It is okay to grieve. Rest in peace.