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Giant baby

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Wolfmanvin, Jul 26, 2018.

  1. Wolfmanvin

    Wolfmanvin Member

    I have an old friend. We fell out for a number of years because he was on heroin and just became totally one track, I tried to help but he wasn’t interested. Years later i hear he is homeless living in my hometown. I meet up with him, it was nice to reconnect.

    I suspect he is lying about a few things, as somethings don’t add up but am patient and don’t worry about it. I pay for the drink and food etc. He isn’t on heroine anymore but is still skint.

    So then he hits me up for money. He says he has no konry for food because his cousin steals it. I agree to let him live with me so i can make sure he’s ok ans that he isn’t being taken advantage of. I have to pay rent and I can’t afford to not charge him.

    He pays me nothing I’ve asked. but actually his welfare money is £100 more than mine a week. He spends it on weed but owes me money.

    I don’t know what to do i wanna help him but he just seems so selfish , agitated and tbh a lot of work.

    I don’t wanna kick him to the curb. But he doesn’t do anythingc he doesn’t cook or clean, i buy everything for the house and cook for him. Half the time he just gets out of bed for food and a spliff. He doesn’t offer anything. He’s like a giant baby

    Whats the best thing to do?
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Wolfmanvin... Welcome to the community. I'm sorry you're experiencing what you are with your friend. In my opinion, you taking him in has enabled him mightily. Your friend is very comfortable in his situation, and as long as he remains comfortable, he's not going to change. I know you didn't mean to enable him; you were just trying to help him out. But a lot of times help turns into enabling without us even realizing it.

    I would sit down and tell him what you told us: That he has to pay some rent and do more than just lay around all day and eat your food. Tell him he has to contribute to the household. And if he's not willing to do that, he will have to leave. I know you don't want to "kick him to the curb," but you can't keep going on the way you are. It's not fair to you.

    I hope this helps. Feel free to update us on the situation later on.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Wolfmanvin thanks for reaching out. dean is right in that you've given him a great life (in his eyes). why would he have to pay if you don't make him? addict or not, he's great at manipulating and taking advantage of your kindness.

    lay down the law. it's tough love and necessary. if he can't pay, he's got to go and you might have to actually put his stuff outside and change your locks. sounds harsh, but he may be dealing with addiction and mental illness, and he may just be very comfortable in his situation...

    you're not a bad person if you request that he leave. you're a good person who has internal boundaries and a lot of self-love. letting others take advantage of you helps no one. he's a grown man, fully responsible for himself, ya know? you tried and he's not willing to reciprocate, so you wash your hands of it and wish him the best. it's not personal; it's self-care.

    if he went to walmart and wasn't willing to pay for his items in his cart, they wouldn't let him take them, right? it's not personal. it's give and take. it's business. it's the way the world works ...

    you are a good person!! remember that!
    lonewolves and deanokat like this.
  4. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Move? :)

    I'm not making light of your situation, honest, though I did have a half-hearted laugh. Just because I am in a similar spot with my daughter /room-mate who is in love with an addict. I felt bad kicking her out, so I looked into moving out myself, before she agreed that it would be better for her to go be with her new "friends".