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Discussion in 'Heroin' started by ljlayton, Nov 26, 2015.

  1. ljlayton

    ljlayton Member

    my son's girlfriend took his daughter to New Mexico on what was to be a "visit" but in reality was a way to get home so she could get into rehab. she is an active heroin, crack and meth user. my son was to go and meet her parents half way to pick up his daughter.
    well that didn't happen, causing him to relapse, heavily, he went missing for several weeks. just when I had given up hope he contacted me, crying, of course, I go get him.
    he seems different.
    we detox him, without meds.
    he comes to me and tells me "I'm ready for rehab, let's do it!" He makes the calls, heads to the car, gets half way in and says, " I'm so proud of my decision, I want to call Kaylee!"
    he calls, I can hear her yelling at him, "ho
    you're so selfish!"
    "this is so unfair", and "why do I have take care of the baby "...
    tears just started flowing down his face, as he said, "you're right I am selfish, I'm sorry" as he got out of the car.
    She sent him a bus ticket a week later, he overdosed on his way there, they took him to the hospital he was revived. I guess he walked out of the ICU and was barely able to do so.
    since then he has learned many things from her and her family, as they are a long line of addicts, luckily, her grandparents are recovering of over 30 years to guide him. other than that there's no other good influences.
    while there in just a few weeks, She had lost custody of the baby, he doesn't have custody papers, so he has no level right according to cps, they're not married, but her grand parents have her. CPS won't tell me anything, even tho me and my son was the primary caregiver to her up until now, without her permission and she refuses. kaylee has overdosed more than 5 times with the baby in her care.
    my son now has been back in active using on and off for 5 months.
    He wants to come home but my husband refuses to allow him back in our home, or even around, because he had stole some of my things the last time he used. His last relapse was really bad.
    not to mention before Kaylee left our lives were upside down with her crack and heroin addiction.
    my son is in a state where he had no family to support him, homelessness is not a good option, I have to choose between bringing my son home and putting him somewhere safe, and having/losing every one in my family upset/leave me our potentially have my son die. what would you choose.
    It all angers me because this all could have been avoided last year if he just wouldn't have made that call. :(
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2015
  2. Shenwil

    Shenwil Senior Contributor

    Wow, this is some story. I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. I don't know if I could choose between my son and my family but I know I would never leave him hanging. I wish I had better advice, but your situation is just different.
  3. 111kg

    111kg Community Champion

    So... if it's causing your son so much misery, why doesn't he cut the ties with this... Kaylee? Call the police every time he talks to her, tell them that she sells drugs or whatever and that she's a menace to the child. Document everything and speak frankly to your son. At some point, he will have to choose between his family and this.. Kaylee, who is clearly en extremely toxic friend.

    If he promises you to cut the ties with Kaylee, stops using drugs and starts working to pay back whatever he had stolen, I think that it's pretty safe to persuade your husband to give him another chance, a one LAST chance. But if he blows this one up, it will be on him and it will only be his fault.
  4. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    It sounds like a really tough situation. I think that you need to take a tough stance and tell him that your expectation is that Kaylee is out of his life. She is obviously not doing anything good for him. and I can understand why he wants to help her, and they have a child together so that is a big reason. However, it just doesn't work between two addicts, they will just bring each other down.
    MrsJones likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ljlayton... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. As the father of a son in recovery from heroin addiction, I can relate to much of what you've been through.

    I think letting your son come back home for, as @111kg said, one LAST chance would be alright. But you have to set boundaries/rules and go over them in detail with him before he moves in. And only make boundaries/rules that you know you can stick to. If he breaks the rules, then he either has to go to rehab or leave your home permanently. My wife and I finally did this after years of enabling our son, and it was the catalyst for everything changing for the better. As a parent, it's incredibly difficult to make certain decisions regarding your child when they're struggling with addiction. Unfortunately, some of the things we can't imagine doing are the things we need to do to. You cannot become addicted to your son's addiction.

    I would also like to recommend a book to you. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's a book written specifically for parents and loved ones of addicts, and it's the best book I've ever read on the subject. I really think it would help both you and your husband. Buy it and read it, ASAP. (You can read a little more about the book in this blog post I wrote: 6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One.)

    One question I have, because you didn't mention it in your initial post: How old is your son?

    Lastly, I agree with @111kg and @kgord that it would probably be best for your son to cut ties with Kaylee. But if she's the mother of his daughter, that might be pretty difficult to do.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. We are here to help and support you any way we can, so please don't hesitate to reach out whenever you need or want to.

    Peace and hugs.
  6. 111kg

    111kg Community Champion

    But it's quite easy to cut ties. Every time she's high, call the police. Get the records and ask for full custody in court. It should be pretty simple in this case. :)
  7. oraclemay

    oraclemay Community Champion

    I feel for you. It must be terrible to go through this over and over again. I know you love your son, but you do have to set rules and boundaries. He cannot just come home again! He has to make a deal with you. He has to go to rehab. He has to cut ties. You have to lay down the law at some stage or you are never going to see any changes. This is a chance you have to take. It could be the beginning of a whole new life for your son. Once he is healthy and strong you can worry about the granddaughter. It is not time yet. I wish you all the best.
  8. Mayoress

    Mayoress Active Contributor

    You've been through a lot. It is not an easy thing, choosing between your husband and your son. But you don't really have to give up one for the other. You will not find complete joy that way.
    You'll have to try to make them both happy,even if it will be without the knowledge of either one. Do what your husband wants, but be wise with it.
    Remember that they are both your family.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi @ljlayton. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear about all that you are coping with about your son.

    There are tough decisions to make ahead for your son. I would suggest that your son seek legal counsel to establish paternity of his daughter. Did he sign the birth certificate? If custody is what he truly wants he needs to get clean first, get financially stable, and find suitable living arrangements. Of course this is going to take time but it would be in your son's best interest and health to put forth the effort. His continued use will only keep want he wants out of reach.

    Since your husband seems adamant in not having your son come to live with you because of your son's past actions, I would respect and understand that. Your son has to prove himself trustworthy and even trying to do so may not change your husband's feelings. Would your husband be willing to be a part of your son's recovery? It is an option to discuss.

    You have received a lot of good responses from others so far. Please keep us informed.
  10. ljlayton

    ljlayton Member

    Thank you all for all your good advice. I truly appreciate it.
    He is in rehab. She continues to use, tho she states otherwise. hopefully he'll continue a path to where he can gain sole custody of his child and return home where he has the physical support of his family.
    For today, things are promising. :)
    Mara likes this.
  11. Kyler

    Kyler Active Contributor

    It takes courage to actually share this and I thank you for sharing this because you don't know how much this helps others in some way to reconsider things. I really am glad to see that things today are a bit better and hope that you continue in peace and things get even more better for you. I been through similar situations, not exactly the same but I can sympathize with you. Good job for staying firm and strong.
  12. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi @ljlayton. I'm glad to hear of your son's progress thus far.
  13. Mara

    Mara Community Champion

    That's really good news. I'm glad that your son is in rehab and doing okay. And I really do hope that he gets custody of his child. When I read your post, I was really saddened by it. But seeing your reply to this thread today made me smile. Everyone has the capacity to change. With the support of loved ones and family, anyone can turn their lives around.

    I wish you and your family the best. :)
  14. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    I am so happy that things are looking up and that your son is getting the help that he needs. It is always so complex when children are involved. It is important to let your son know that he has the support that he needs at home, but you will not enable him ever again.
  15. angel_lou

    angel_lou Active Contributor

    I truely hope things work out ok for your family, it sounds like you've been through enough. God bless.
    deanokat likes this.
  16. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Give him one last chance, but I'd really think he should stop having contact with that terrible woman. I think she is somehow interfering with his recovery, he really needs to take the decision of cutting her out of his life. At least for now, because I think this woman is really dragging him down so badly...your son is so vulnerable and confused. Poor man.
    deanokat likes this.