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Going Through Hell In My Mind During Overdose

Discussion in 'Heroin' started by Daytodaystruggle, Mar 4, 2019.

  1. I've been addicted to drugs for oh I guess 20 years or so. I took Oxycodone for the first 17 and switched to Heroin for the last 3 years when I couldn't afford the $30 per 30MG pills any longer. I've never injected anything, only sniffed drugs. I occasionally used cocaine through the years also but not very common.

    I finally overdosed 3 days ago and what I went through in my mind while the medics and doctors worked on me can only be described as hell on a scale I can't even begin to describe the people but I can only try. I've done research and tried to find anyone else describing what I went through but I can't find it from anyone else so I can only assume this is an experience that maybe only happened to me.

    3 days ago while running errands I picked up to $20 bags of cocaine and over a two-hour period sniffed both bags. I had started using a new dealer for heroin for about a week and call him to pick up a bundle so I could come down from the cocaine. As soon as I got it I quickly sniffed 8 bags while driving Pharmacy to get my mother's prescriptions and then to bring them home to her. Almost immediately when I finished the last bag I knew something was terribly wrong. I started feeling like I was drunk and knew I was in trouble. I remember wondering if they had put benzo in the bags but regardless of what it was I know they dosed the heroin. I still went to the pharmacy making sure my mother had her medication and had to remind myself how to drive, how to walk properly, and pay for the prescriptions. By the time I left the pharmacy it had gotten a lot worse and I was very worried about driving home which was only about a mile away knowing most accidents happen within a few miles of the home. I had to remind myself that the speed limit was 35 miles an hour and to stay between the lines can turning down the street before mine I had to drive between cars and stay very conscious of what I was doing because I wasn't sure if I was going to black out or if this was going to get worse. I walked in the door and immediately told my mother I took heroin and they dosed it with something and explained that I felt like I was drunk And I was fighting for my thoughts. I had recently come clean to her about what I was taking although she knew for many years I was taking oxycodone. she recommended that I go lay down and sleep it off but as I felt it get progressively worse I knew that was a bad idea and I asked her to call 911. I had given my mother Narcan which she was tempted to use but decided to wait until the Medics arrived which turned out to be the right thing to do because when you've done cocaine the Narcan fights in your brain for The receptors and Make a terrible situation even worse. It put you in immediate raging withdrawal. This was the beginning of my nightmare...

    Very quickly 2 police officers showed up and right after that maybe 4 firemen showed up. They were asking me questions about what I took and how much as well as how long I've been taking. I can feel myself going out as my torso and upper body started slumping in my chair is my head slowly went towards the kitchen table. I couldn't hold them up anymore and it was difficult to remain conscious. As I would try to go out I would shake my head and that would be enough to keep me just barely conscious. I remember asking why is no one helping me and hearing a fireman say "What do you want me to do brother? We're waiting for the ambulance". I think what I was getting at is why is nobody slapping me or trying to keep me conscious they were just letting me slump in my chair and go out. When the ambulance finally showed up the fireman asked me to stand up and help him get me out the door but I had nothing left and couldn't even raise my head. My breathing slowed dramatically and I was barely able to remain conscious. These must have been 2 big Fireman because they picked me up right in the chair and brought me outside. I'm 5 feet 9 inches tall and about a hundred and forty five pounds so I'm not a big person but dead weight in a chair could not have been easy. This is where I became trapped In my mind for a lifetime in one night.

    I don't remember a whole lot about what happened in the ambulance but what I recall is the male medic saying to the other female medic, "Do you know how good this **** must make them feel for them to do this to themselves"? I remember thinking for a split-second that no that's not what it's about. But I couldn't even remain conscious nevermind talk. What happened next is not clear but what happened in my mind, although fading with time, would have a profound effect on me the next morning.

    for what literally felt like a lifetime I kept replaying the same 10 or 20 slides In my mind starting with the female medic saying he's going out. Then the male medic hitting my chest and saying are you with me and I and I come to just I bit and see his round bearded face before I go out. next I feel someone jammed something in my nose till it touched bone which hurt ( which was obviously the Narcan which they tried inducing nasally). next I feel a shower of pain washing down from the top of my brain to the bottom. some of the next scenes I cannot remember but one of the final scenes was me meeting my dealer at the Outback Steakhouse to get the bundle and then I cut to the final scene where my breathing is coming to a stop and I'm dying. my lips pursed and I spit up whatever was in my mouth and all of the sudden my body jerks upward sitting up and my hands and arms jerk inward which felt like seizing. I could tell I was Shackled down because my hands came to a stop as I was seizing and bringing them toward each other. I then lose control of my bowels. Im now understanding this was my final death Jerk as my breathing stopped. now this next part I can try to describe to you but there is no way I can possibly make you understand what I went through. Whether I was the greatest writer or poet words cannot explain what I went through.

    starting back at the female medic saying he's going out and the mail medic hitting my chest saying are you with me following all the way to my final death jerk as I died repeated over and over and over and over. there are several scenes that I cannot remember now but when the very first scene would happen again I could reason for a split second and I remember wondering if I'm brain damaged thinking I replayed the same scenario over and over for what feels like a lifetime. It literally felt like I had replayed the same movie thousands and thousands of times and I could not get out of it. Now those are just words but when the Narcan hits and that shower of pain hits me And I go through the scenes slowly dying I felt it each time as if it was the first time but knowing I keep replaying it and I won't get out of it.

    I now really understand what they mean by time is relative knowing I lived a lifetime In what was one night or maybe one hour I don't know. and again each time the movie replayed I would have a new thought such as I wonder if this is normal for people overdosing and how can I force myself out of this? those thoughts of reasoning only for a Split Second until the next scene hits in my memory was wiped of what happened before and I will go into these terrible death scenes feeling the pain, feeling my breathing stopped as if someone was holding something over my nose and mouth and not being able to get air in. I can only equate it to being in a prison and being woken up every morning, tortured all day, blacking out until the next morning and repeating that everyday your entire life until you die and all this happened in my mind in one night.

    When I woke the next morning and had tubes pulled out of every orifice I found out that I was on a respirator And I had died either in the ambulance or in the hospital I can't remember which now. the slideshow and torturing is still fresh in my mind and I had this profound sense of sadness but was thankful to be alive and as the hours went by the slides in that movie slowly left me but the torture experienced amd the lifetime of time that elapsed was still strong in my mind. I stayed in the hospital that next day until the next morning and then checked myself out yesterday morning. It is now Monday and I'll be going down to the methadone clinic in the next few hours And try to reclaim my life.

    you always thinking overdose is something that happens to other people who take too much or the very unlucky who get a Hotshot but there's a lot of ways it could happen and it's like a ticking time Bomb every day that you do it.

    Please if your an addict ask someone for help whether its a family member, friend or rehab. Your worth so much more than you're offering yourself and I pray to God noone ever has to feel what I went through. We owe it to ourselves, our families, and friends to get better and take our power back from these scumbag sellers and death dealers. There's only so many free tickets on this ride called life and you're wasting your vacation.
    Dominica likes this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Daytodaystruggle... Welcome to the community, my friend. And thanks for sharing your story with us. Wow. That sounds like an incredibly frightening experience you went through. I can't imagine how awful that was. I'm so glad you are still here with us. And that you're going to go to the methadone clinic to get some help. As bad as your overdose experience was, maybe it's exactly what you needed to make this big change in your life.

    Your insight and words of wisdom to others is greatly appreciated. I hope we'll see you around this forum going forward. People like you can have a huge impact and help change others.

    I'm sending you tons of encouragement and hope, along with lots of positive, clean & sober vibes. Thanks again for sharing.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Thank you very much for the warm welcome! Yeah it was definitely a wake-up call and I did go to the clinic so day by day right? If I can even help one other person see the light before they go where I went or worse I couldn't be happier for them. I know there's so much good out there that we are all missing and how much we've sacrificed to live the life we live and there's not one person on this planet who can honestly tell me it's worth it. I've given up several high-paying careers and every material possession I've owned so if I could talk to my self 20 years ago and reason with me I don't think I would believe that 20 years from then I would be in the position I'm in it seemed Just like a little fun at the time. I just need people to realize that there is no such thing as harmless drug use because you never know if you're the person who will go down the rabbit hole. Thanks again for the reception let's see if we can do some good here And take that journey together.
    Joshstillclean, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Daytodaystruggle wow! that is scary for sure! i'm so glad you made it!! that's a blessing for sure.

    glad you're working on your recovery and getting your life back. we will be here for you however we can be, so come share anytime!
    deanokat likes this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    This is soooo true, @Daytodaystruggle. When someone tries a drug, it's like playing Russian Roulette...and addiction is the bullet.

    Thanks for your insight.
    Dominica likes this.
  6. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    @Daytodaystruggle welcome. Our stories are similar except I have not overdosed. I've been going to the clinic for 3 weeks now. Sounds like you got fentanyl. I've been lucky. I'm fact they told me there was none in my urine which is unusual. We will walk this path together.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I can relate friend, heroin is no joke. And I agree sounds like fent to me. Be aware that there is carfentynal now being cit into heroin and this is killing just about everyone who does their normal amount thinking its the same stuff. The methadone clinic is a great start and I congratulate you on your decision.
    I went that route myself for a while and while it helped a lot at the end of the day I felt like I needed a fix. If you find yourself feeling this way I suggest looking into suboxone.
    Suboxone is hard to get off of, but then all opiates are not fun to stop. And methadone is a pretty intense w/d itself. But taper listen to your Dr. and all will go well. Your on the right track.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Daytodaystruggle... How are things going with you? Check in with us if you get a chance.
  9. liliann

    liliann Senior Contributor

    Wow. Thank you for sharing your story and welcome to this site. This site helped me get through 6 months of pure hell withdrawing and PAWS that followed.
    Glad you are here.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.