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Hard to Keep on Track

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by knitmehere, Sep 28, 2015.

  1. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    I'm only 23 years old, and that makes it hard for me to admit that I have a problem. Some days I still say that I don't, claiming that I'm in control. That's our thing though, right? Control? We all just want to be in control.

    I was raised in an abusive household, and it didn't help that I was always around drugs. My father was a dealer, and I can't count how many times I saw him, my mother, and their friends doing different things. They always had a bottle in their hand, too.

    Once I got old enough to realize that I could sneak out without being noticed, I did. Of course I tried the normal things that everyone does these days, drinking and pot, but it was never really enough.

    At the age of fifteen, I fell in love with cocaine. I was blowing through three grams a week, and it was expensive.

    At the age of sixteen, I got pregnant and vowed I'd never touch it again... and I didn't, for a very long time.

    Six months ago, I was at a friend's house and they offered me some. I said no at first. I said no five or six times, but then I gave in.

    I've only done it a handful of times since then, but I keep finding myself wanting to crawl back into that hole.
    roseannepark and bhu like this.
  2. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Crawl out of the hole and stay out Knitmehere. Ultimately that's what we should all want in life; crawl out of these dark holes and stay out. Often from everything I have read and seen about addiction, it's easier said than done. Still you can win the fight.

    You said you stayed away for a long time. Based on what I have learned here, you're going to be better off staying as far away from drugs as possible for good. You spoke of your experience as a child growing up with your parents and what you were exposed to that might have contributed to your addiction. It saddens me when we parents don't give our children the best foundation possible.

    As a parent, I am going to encourage you to stay clean for your child and your own well being and set the best example you can as a parent. I am sure more experienced persons will be along to welcome you to the forum and provide you with some specifics to staying on course. In the meantime, I'd like to respectfully suggest you keep an eye on 'friends' who would invite you over and over again to use. Welcome again.
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2015
    bhu, kassie1234 and greybird29 like this.
  3. JonnyMacdonald

    JonnyMacdonald Community Champion

    I had a similar problem when it came to friends.
    When I first made the decision to stop drinking and using coke, I continued to hang out with the same people.
    Well needless to say that didn't work, my friends got me back into it a few times.

    I eventually had to stop spending time with them in order to get sober and get my life together.
    bhu, stariie and greybird29 like this.
  4. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    I quit coke nine years ago so it can certainly be done. You can do it too! I have to say though, what sort of friend asks you "five or six times" whether you want some? Surely they should respect your decision the first time you refuse!
    bhu, stariie and greybird29 like this.
  5. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    It is so easy to fall back into the thrill of the cocaine moment, your “friends” will offer and push and try to get you do “just do it once”; they are not your friends! Your real friends care more about you and your daughter than to even offer you much less offer you many times. You are the only one that can choose, you know how much it cost as far as monetarily; what do you want to get your daughter for Christmas, a drug an addicted Mama headed for jail? If you continue to hang out with the same friends and go down that path you may very well look forward to spending some time in jail. You have a daughter now; put her first and foremost. Try to make some new friends that have better things to do than snort coke and do drugs. You daughter needs you now and will for many future years; do you really want her Mama to be known as a druggy like your parents were? You are the only one that can make that choice and choose to give your daughter a good, healthy life. Imagine if you get busted and you will eventually; where she will go, who will have custody, where will she spend the holidays and how hard will you have to fight to get back to a drug free, good Mama? Just a few slips can take you down a bad path that will surely make your life more complicated. Best wishes you can find new improved real friends and live a drug free life providing your daughter with a good Mama, drug free environment, home and family life. Best wishes in your journey.
    bhu and Winterybella like this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I am sorry you are going through this. I think it is time to get more friends. If you said no five or six times and they were still offering it to you then sadly you don't friends like that. Your friends should be supportive of you and not encourage you to use cocaine knowing your past problems with it. I am sorry to hear that you had such a rough upbringing. No child should have to go through that.
    bhu, MrsJones and Winterybella like this.
  7. misskrystal1982

    misskrystal1982 Active Contributor

    Sounds like some terrible friends! Nobody should push you so hard that you cave in.

    Now you must find your inner strength. You know you have it, and it's important to get it back. You gave up your control, and it's all because of some crappy people.
    I would definitely distance myself from them. Also, this forum is great. You can definitely find people here who will understand you and help you through any tough times.

    Congrats on finding this place, and don't give in. Ever.
    MrsJones and Winterybella like this.
  8. Rex

    Rex Community Champion

    It seems like you've had a really tough life. All i can say is dont be too tough on yourself it wont do you any good. other than that welcome to the site
    Winterybella likes this.
  9. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    Much thanks to all of your for being so welcoming.

    I've been clean again for a couple of months now, but that craving always comes back. Throughout my whole life, I swore to myself that I would never be the type of parent that my parents were, and I struggle with that. Of course, I'd never do anything around her like my parents did, but is it really any better to hide it? I don't think so.

    I'm trying so hard and hearing such words of encouragement makes things a little bit easier. I'm glad I decided to join and start posting here.
    bhu, MrsJones and deanokat like this.
  10. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Post often we are here to listen. You can do this. You have a child who depends on you and needs a happy and healthy mommy. You can do this! There are so many inspirational stories on here of people who have been where you are and understand your struggle. Congrats on a couple of months of being clean. That is a great start!
    bhu and MrsJones like this.
  11. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    Yeah it's not much, but a little bit of time clean is better than none at all.

    I plan to spend a lot of time reading through everyone else's stories and finding more people that I can relate to. Sometimes it's just nice to have the support of people who have been in your exact position and know what you've been going through. I find that if I have someone like that to confide in, I'm a lot less likely to go back down that road.
    bhu, MrsJones, deanokat and 1 other person like this.
  12. Steve Dawson

    Steve Dawson Community Champion

    Your experiences in the past with drugs have enabled you to foresee the dangers that you face now. This can only be a good thing, you know coke is dangerous and you can feel the tug of need for it again, but you still know that its not an answer and will only lead to worse problems, because you've been there before. This knowledge will give you the strength to beat this. You don't want to be the same sort of parent your parents were to you, and you won't be, because you're fighting that lifestyle. Lose the 'friends' who still use this killer drug, they are not your friends, they just want you to have a life thats messed-up like theirs so they can look at themselves and say 'Hey look, this is a normal life, loads of people do it'. You have the knowledge and willpower to resist your former life, seek support to fight this from non drug-taking friends and always post here if you feel tempted, many of us know all about addiction and sudden temptation, we've beaten it and so will you.
    bhu and MrsJones like this.
  13. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there @knitmehere! Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story to us here, also for keeping us updated. Well, I guess the best thing you can do right now is to just take things slowly, take one step at a time. Always try to visualize your goals, and little by little, achieve each one of them. I am pretty sure you'll overcome these issues in the near future. Have faith and stay strong. All the best! :)
    bhu and greybird29 like this.
  14. greybird29

    greybird29 Active Contributor

    The folks you hang out with play a large role in what you do. Some may beg you to go church others want you to do drugs. Your future choices often depend on who you spend your time with. If you hang out with those doing drugs and begging you to do them eventually you will break down and say yes.
    We know we have to let her make her own choices of friends, who she hangs out with, and what she chooses to do with her time. If we even try to tell her not to hang out with certain folks it makes her more determined to hang with them and do the things they are doing.
    It is so easy to fall back into the wrong crowd and do the wrong things. Best wishes to you and your daughter and the choices you make.
    bhu likes this.
  15. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Knitmehere, thanks for getting back to us. We always like to know how you are progressing and even if you should slip up, ( we hope you don't) we will encourage you to keep on pressing on. Whatever happens, don't stop trying to be clean. I look forward to the time when you don't have to hide from your daughter as there will be nothing to hide. Drug-free is what I hope she can "see" in you for the rest of your lives. Like someone suggested, don't beat yourself up. It's a journey and I feel good that you have decided to join us to have us walk with you on that road to recovery.
    bhu, MrsJones and Steve Dawson like this.
  16. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    A friend of mine posted this on Instagram recently and it made me think of your post...


    You can do it. For your little one!
  17. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    You can do this. You want to provide a better example for your child than your parents provided for you. Being strung out on drugs is an easy way to lose custody too. I think you need to find different friends and stay clean. You know what you need to do, just do it...I realize it is easier said than done, but you did it once, and you can do it again. We have faith in you!!
  18. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @knitmehere... Welcome to the community and thanks so much for sharing with us. I'm glad to hear that you've been clean for a couple of months now. That's fabulous! Keep doing the next right thing and remember that you deserve to live a happy, healthy life. Using coke or other drugs will definitely prevent you from doing that. At 23, you have just about your entire life ahead of you. Do everything in your power to stay on the right path. I will keep good thoughts for you and am sending you positive vibes! :)
    bhu and MrsJones like this.
  19. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @knitmehere Hello there and welcome to this forum! At your young age you already had experience the pains in life that is not a nice memory to cherish in your lifetime. You are still so young and life has still many things to offer to you that is why it is just right to stay away from the company of your friends who will only makes your life miserable. Do not let what had happened to your parents will happen also to you. While it is early you still have the time to change for the better of your life. Just keep being positively motivated and you can do it!
    bhu, MrsJones and deanokat like this.
  20. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    You already know it's not worth it so use that as a stepping stone to stop when temptation comes in your mind. And stay away from places that you will be offered it. You sound like you have great will power because you said no several times. So just stay away from bad influence and when temptation rises, remember it's not worth it and occupy your mind with something else that's productive.
    bhu, MrsJones and deanokat like this.