Having faith in people again

Some people do horrible and unkind things, they are selfish, mean spirited and only out for themselves. Whether this is because of an addiction or a response to an addiction, how do you stop yourself from losing faith in people? Or in my case, how do you get it back?

It's a bit cheesy maybe but I try to consider things (in terms of thinking, world view, how I shape my thoughts and so on) in terms of how I would hope my child would think and/or what I want to pass on to him- when I think of him and his capacity to believe in the inherent goodness of people, it's something I really want to preserve.

I actively seek out positive news, examples of people being good and decent and kind- whether in response to meanness and selfish behavior or just on their own, positive thinkers and leaders and sources of inspiration. I try to think positively myself, to be a good example of decent humanity and realize there are so, so many others as well.

I guess it really is down to your thinking and what you choose to believe- good or bad- but isn't everything, ultimately?

I think that the main thing to keep in mind is that the behaviour wasn't "them", it was the drink or drugs talking. It's hard though, especiallyif you've been enduring this sort of thing for some time now.

Choose the people you trust. That includes family and close friends. People who have helped you in the past. There's always got to be that one person. I mean be optimistic. Sure there are sick people in the world, but there are people who do great things for others. For instance, this site is used to reach out to people in need of help. Talking to people and sharing your feelings like what you're doing right now is a step in restoring your faith with people. Being kind to others can help you because it helps you connect with people and you'll realize there are some good people out there. Once you are nice and compassionate to others, they'll be more nice and compassionate to you.

I actually have trust issues. I've always built up walls around me and I'm very hesitant to open up with people I've just met recently. I don't let anyone get in my life easily because I'm afraid that when they found out the "real me," they might just leave me in the end, and the pain would be too much to bear for me.

I know what you mean dyan, the exact same thing happened with my wife when we started dating. She had suffered a lot and she didn't want to suffer any more, so she had huge walls too.

You can lose faith in certain people in your life, but there's no reason to lose faith in people in general. For every person that would let you down, five of them will be there when you need them. It's not about restoring your faith in people in general; it's about being confident enough in yourself to trust people but be smart enough to know when you're being lied to or deceived.

Dear Clairelouise84,

I have an 87-year old friend who said to me, "I don't mind people offending me. As long as I don't offend them."
I guess her wisdom grew out of her experiences and hardship during the Third Reich under Hitler's rule. Her father was a Russian soldier; the Hitler 'empire' took him away from her, her mother and her sister and was sent back to prison into "oblivion". She was three when that happened. And she remembered it so vividly.

Do you think she ever trusted people, her leaders, the government? She had lost faith in them who were supposed to defend, protect, and provide peace in their country, Germany. She lost her mother and sister in the war. She lost her Jewish friends who did nothing wrong but live their lives.

But she was head strong and survived. In her teens, when she escaped from near death, God had found her in her most frightened time of her life. After that, through the years, after the war in 1945, she met her Polish husband at a refugee camp in London who had loved her, showed kindness to her and sheltered her.

Hardships, great pain and losing loved ones in the war softened her heart towards those around her. She grew more determined to make good of the dismal life and for those around her. Hardships and grief have not snatched her faith in people but made herself a simple beacon of light and love to people whom she always wanted to hear, listen and help.

Alcohol and substance abuse to eliminate our pain and sorrow aren't the answers to our deep problems. I think, we are capable of facing them headlong and think about others more who have greater sufferings than we have ever been.

I learn from her. She is a dear friend to everyone at the nursing home. She is full of hope and faith!

That is something that scares me a fair bit as when I have a kid I don't want it to be negative and hateful like me so I really need to work on it. I want my child to believe in people and have faith in them. I hold positive examples of behaviour in such high regard because I see them so infrequently.

Wow! What a remarkable woman! I am trying to have such a positive attitude and I really hope that on day I could be half as strong as this lady!

That's lovely, I am trying to believe that and I know people are not as bad as I make them out to be, but in recent times I have realised that people I thought were good, were in fact no more than selfish cowards that put all of the blame onto everyone else. I need to make a very conscious effort to do this and I need to start now. I don't want my hatred to eat me alive.

I am sorry to hear that and I hope she has opened up, I can understand abut the walls though, if you don't let anyone in, they can't hurt you. My fiancée says that I do not open up enough, but I am so used to the walls that even letting her in scares me because what if I get hurt or let down yet again.

I am sorry to hear that, but I totally understand where you are coming from, I am the same, I don't want people knowing the "real me" I am even hiding my depression from my fiancée at the moment a I don't think she would stay with me if she knew.

I do always try to be nice and compassionate to others, but when you are and all you get back is spite and selfishness it can be very exhausting. But you are right, talking and sharing how you feel is a good and healthy step.

You're absolutely right, I know it isn't them, just like it wasn't me, but it's not even the addicts selfishness that is getting to me, it is his mother, she is an enabler, looks after two people in this world, herself and her son and totally forgets about her daughter, she puts on brave face but it really hurts her and it is starting to make me resent her parents and her brother.

Some people have a huge necessity to talk and they repeat things over and over again. I do wonder why that happens, lack of security eventually?

I just try and base my decisions on a person's behavior and actions. If I see the person has put in work to gain my trust back then I would give them my trust fully without any hesitation or remorse even if they someday relapse because I jus try and understand the situation of that person and I try and realize that we aren't the same person and we are not in the same situation nor will we ever be, so I give them some slack for some things that I can't possibly see.

You have to realise that people are fallable and they are always going to disappoint and let you down. Human beings are human and they will misbehave.We cannot put expectations on other people. Don't focus on those who let you down, but rather put your attention on those who encourage and support you.

How about the idea of universal energy and manifesting good. If you think positve, be positive, kind and give the good treatment you want fron others, you can only manifest the same in your life. It is also matter of deep understanding of who is simply not good for youand staying away from yhat person.

If said person says mean things to you that (s)he would normally never say, it's safe to assume that it's the drugs speaking. You can't and you shouldn't be mad at that person because of his/her words. I know we usually aren't the ones responsible for other people's addictions and naturally shouldn't have to bear the brunt of it but we must somehow find the strength to see past their facade. Only then will we be able to truly help them.