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He didn't pick us

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lyssa, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. Lyssa

    Lyssa Member

    We had been together for almost 6 years. Married for almost 3. We have kids together. He has been using meth for almost 2 years. Never being around a meth addict, I had no idea what the signs were. I knew something wasnt right. I was so focused on the family, college, work and trying to pay all the bills. Sure he would work... some times, some times he would tell me he didn't get paid, or that it was a smaller amount. I was just getting more depressed trying to support a whole family on my own. His endless drama was just causing more issues. I had asked him to stop hanging out with his buddy Ken, the guy who bragged about all the different drugs he uses. A man who got so high he passed out in Dennys. Pointing out that this guy lost his families house, child protection services had taken his kids... Didn't seem to register. Instead my husband told me about how Kens wife got clean while in jail for close to six months, less then a week later she was back to her daily heroin usage.
    I kicked him out of the house because I didn't believe anything he would say to me. His responds was to clean out his step son's bank account, including the money raised for his eagle scout project. Money spent on meth, he did go to jail for 45 days. He got clean, he sounded like the man I use to know. He said he wanted to get clean, to stay clean. He got out of jail May 18th, he called his dealer May 21st. He left our daughter unsupervised, I have no idea if he left to get drugs, if his dealer came to my home, all I know is that I came home to a trashed house, a kid who gave herself a major haircut, and him acting high as a kite. I took his phone and saw a facebook message to his dealer, he told me he was just in on his dealer cause the guy had 11 charges coming up and would be going to jail.
    I kicked him out again, blocked him on all social platforms. Its been three days. I have no idea where he is, even if he is still alive. I am hurt, I am pissed. I am trying to figure out how the hell someone could decided that instead of taking care of his kids, his money is better spent on meth. He offered to build his dealer a home, I cant even get him to fold clothes.
    I am scared that he will show up here with his song and dance telling me everything I want to hear. That I would be stupid enough to let him back in.
    I know its no longer him, is meth just wearing his face. When I drive past junkies on the street, I do look to see if any of them could be him. I cant live with his meth addiction, my kids shouldn't have to deal with a parent with a meth addiction. It feels pointless to try to offer rehab, after 45 days clean, he still picked the meth. I had hoped that maybe his time in jail could be his rock bottom. Looks like he hasnt hit it yet, maybe never will.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lyssa Ok so wow.I feel for you and it sounds like he is doing large amounts at each time,meaning the higher on meth you get the faster you search an entire house,i know this because ive done that myself.Usually meth addicts puck one dealer because they give the best deal's and they have a hard time getting meth when "THEIR DEALER IS IN JAIL"but some figure it out,anyways he hasn't chosen drug's over any of you he is just Super Spun and meth will distort our thoughts and at times make us think we want things we don't totally giving the appearance we chose that over everything else(it truly is a soul stealing substance)in my opinion.I abused meth for almost 20years off and on and i did lose my wife and kid's however now I'm sober(Thank you Lord)and I'm slowly reconnectingwith them and I'm grateful.Rehab is not a bad idea,sometimes it takes multiple trips so if you love him and if in someway you could convince him to go do it and if he goes take part in the open discussion within the rehab to tell him how he makes you and the kid's feel honestly and maybe that will help him open his eye's,but again I can't be sure but i believe it's worth a shot.Keep us posted.Stay Strong and God Bless you all.Take Care
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lyssa so sorry you've had to go through this. it's not surprising you're angry... and hurt. rightly so.

    unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do... he's got to do the changing. you put down some boundary lines. good for you. you don't have to put up with what he put you through...and you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is not actively using such harsh drugs. sure, we all know underneath the drugs, he's a good guy... but he's stuck and he needs help. LONG TERM HELP.

    it's true sometimes it takes multiple attempts at rehab..and then long-term aftercare help usually....

    stand your ground. he needs to figure his life out and feel the negative consequences of his continued use. i know it's not easy.... you care about him...and he does have a disease of addiction... but still, it's not your responsibility to fix him... and, anyway, you can't fix him.... surely you've tried.

    know that we are here to listen...share anytime.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lyssa... "You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." That's what Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about a loved one's addiction. I, too, am sorry for what you've had to go through. The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself and your kids. YOU are the only person you have complete control over. You may want to look into going to support group meetings as part of your self-care program. It can be very helpful and comforting to be amongst people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling.

    We're here for you, my friend. To offer help, support, advice, or just to listen. You are not alone. So please come back anytime you feel the need. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of love, light, and hope. And big hugs, too.
    True concern likes this.
  5. Lyssa

    Lyssa Member

    Its funny, he broke into my email account and read what I wrote. He laughed at me about, told he is "recovered". His idea of recovered is not high right at this moment. Its hard to miss the fact that he is using, he was up for three days. We have a project car that doesn't run, he spent hours cleaning it, even scrubed the carpet. This is where he has been sleeping since I found out he was chatting to his drug dealer- you know, just to see how he was doing since the dealer is about to forever lose his kids and all. This past Thursday, I couldn't sleep at 2am ish. I look out the window and see he is still up and moving in the broken down car. I walk out because of just the weird flashlight movements.
    He is watching porn, and appears to be snorting meth out of one of the kids toy kitchen pans. Odd since I just bought that play set 3 weeks ago, the kids arent allowed to play in the driveway let alone a broken down car.
    Its the excuse/explanation that will just make a person shake their head. He claims he wasn't 'using", nah he was scraping old meth from broken pipes into this toy pan... So he could sell it for cash. Oh yeah wow gee, that just makes it all better, right? You went from using to selling. Damn... Still can't get my mind around that one. Of course he spent the next day sleeping it off in the back of a broken down car, c'cause he hasn't been sleeping well and doesn't feel good. Again Damn boy! That would be the affects of the drugs and you coming off that three day high. Once he 'sobers' up he starts demanding that I provide him with food as he hasn't eaten for four whole days. He seems to have forgotten that he went out two days ago with the family to get a meal. This was when I was trying to figure out if he was really high. He also forgot that he drank a whole case of those chocolate weight loss shakes.... Just the day before and had half a pizza.
    After reading your all post, I know I can't do this madness anymore. I tols him unless he wants to talk to me about going to rehab not to call me. After a couple of hours he says he wants to go because they will fed him and then he can leave. The car ride there was a mess, he was agressive and basically an ass. He refused to walk in with me, so I went in with the kids and started his paperwork for him. That wasn't what he wanted. He has been calling me names all week- whore and a slut because I created my own kik account like he did, so he assumes I must be sending nudes to random strangers. He threatens me, then he demands that we leave now of the marriage is over. He isn't getting that the marriage was over when I chatted to his newest girlfriend he met on kik last weekend, he forgot he was married with kids the whole time they were chatting.
    I left him there, and went home with the kids. He texts me saying he would never be back.
    Funny thing, he broke into my home at about 2am this morning. Sadly the cops wont do anything since there is no restraining order in place, and while there is divorce paperwork in place, its still in progress. I was told he can come and go as he pleases. Keep in mind he broke in twice this past week. This morning was the first time that I was home for it. I was freaked out, more so since he had threatened to hard me at the rehab place.
    After the cops left he went back to calling me names and such. He is an adult, who believes because we are married he is entitled to EVERYTHING I have worked for. Be is shelter, access to Wi-Fi, free power for his phone, and all the food my money has bought to provide for my family. Yet he tells me all of his problems are because of me. He lost his job because of me, not cause he was high all the time. He cant get more work because the equipment that I bought, he pawned, I bought back, he pawned again, and I bought back one last time, is gone.
    I am honestly at my wits ends here. How did his meth addiction become the center of my life?? I cant take care of me and mine because I am always cleaning up his messes. I feel like I am the one going nuts and there is nothing I can do to stop this madness. I do feel so helpless. I feel so bad because I dont care if he OD's just want him to do it some where else, I just want him gone and out of my life.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm sorry to hear that, @Lyssa. I think you need to do what's best for you. Period. Letting his addiction claim you and your kids as victims, too, would be tragic.

    Sending you lots more love, light, and hope. And strength. Lots and lots of strength.
    True concern likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lyssa I to am sorry you are going through this and sadly as i read this i can imagine at some point in my life my wife has said and felt the same way and just reading this now not on meth for almost 6 month's i really feel like sh×t for ever putting her in a situation to have to feel that way.I stand by my previous comment where i said meth is a "Soul stealing substance"i have been addicted to so many different substance's and i am not proud of that but none of them distort a person the way meth does,that drug will turn a person into everything they hate and dispise.I hope thing's improve for you and your family and i pray your husband does get sober and if he does he will realize what that drug has done to him and either way the road ahead is a very tough one.Do what's best for YOU and your KIDS and if it's meant to be it will be.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Cametobelieve0202

    Cametobelieve0202 Community Champion

    Omg girl my heart is racing after reading your posts. They say addiction takes hostages, not just the addict themselves but their family and friends too. You seem like you have a really good head on your shoulders and see right through all his bullshit. Addiction isn’t fair and I’m sorry it’s come into your life and taken you hostage. Reading your posts and hearing all the blame and excuses he has I would say he’s not ready to get sober. It seems like he’s really far from being ready. I would try to get the restraining order if I were you. He might be years from hitting his rock bottom. And your 100% right your kids shouldn’t have to be subject to his madness and abuse. I’m praying for you.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lyssa... How are you doing, my dear? If you get a chance, please stop by and give us an update. We're here and we care.
  10. Lyssa

    Lyssa Member

    Update.....
    Jun 22, I am having to call his drug dealer because he decided to steal my bass amp and trade it for meth. I spent that Friday trying to appear to be a bad ass to a drug dealer in order to get my stuff back... and not the scared to death adult who is thinking she is going to get shot. Oh yeah then he decides to break in through my daughters window at 4 am. I am on the phone to 911 as he is going through my purse taking my atm card and whatever assorted cash I had. Please note that the police didn't really do much, but the upside was being able to get him served with a temporary restraining order. I also need to add in that his fiancee contacted me on facebook, demanding to know what I am trying to do to her man, guess she forgot about the part about him being married with kids, she even bought him a plane ticket to fly away home.
    I receive my permanent restraining order on July 2, he shows at my door at midnight, begging to go to rehab on the 3rd. I take him to rehab- its a free year long program, I tell him that if he leaves to never contact me again. He didn't make it past 20 minutes...
    Which brings up to this past Friday. I have spent all of my money on cameras because while I was out, my teenager had to deal with a tweaker banging the hell out of our front door. While I was at work Friday morning, i get to see video of him breaking in through my girls window... again. He hangs out long enough to use the bathroom and steal like $30 in change. The cops show up, make a report and file arrest warrants. He was picked up yesterday. He is currently in jail waiting to hear what his is bail is. Crazy as this will sound, he called me to ask me to cover it for him, cause you know, he is like "clean".

    So.... I was told there was some kind of bottom to these kinds of messes... a stopping point if you will. I will even take a wall to hit. Cause I can't keep doing this, my kids can't keep doing this. The endless drama, yes I have filed for divorce. I hate dealing with PTO parents, and now I am having to play hard ball with drug dealers in order to get my property returned. I must say the one was very nice about it, explaining that he was unaware that the items had been stolen from my family... I want out, hopefully before I get shot in a drug deal gone wrong and I am not even the one using drugs. I have spent the past two weeks being yelled about by women who are engaged to my husband, being told I am getting in the way of their happiness. He appears to be the only one having a great time.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lyssa thank you for the update. i'm sorry you're having to go through all this... i imagine it has caused a roller coaster of emotions...

    i'm glad he is in jail... and i hope he can get the help he needs. meanwhile, do your best to practice self-care...and begin healing from all of this drama. one day at a time...

    proud of you for getting that restraining order....sending you positive vibes! and know we are here for you!
    deanokat likes this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lyssa ok I'll just say it leave this ×fucking asshol×.If there is hope for him its along ways out.Leave and don't look back
  13. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Lyssa sorry for the language but sometimes i wont even try to make it make sense because this you do not deserve and don't worry those drug dealer's aren't going to hurt you however next time they see him.........remember drug dealers have kid's as well and he broke two street rules you don't break.1 bring me stolen property i can't sell to make mymoney back.2 He did this to not so much you but his daughter.Those are reputation's you don't want living that life it gets very dangerous for the addict because now not even his druggie friends trust him.He will try everything now to get back with you he is going to need a place to hide but you say no and worry about you and your daughter.Stay Strong and God Bless
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am so sorry your daughter and yourself had to go through that
    deanokat likes this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lyssa... I can't even imagine going through what you're going through. I'm so sorry this happened/is happening. I'm happy to hear that you've filed for divorce. Doing what's best for you and your daughter is the right thing. The two of you deserve a much better, happier, safer life.

    Keep taking good care of you and your daughter. Self-care is essential for the two of you.

    I'm sending you lots of positive vibes, love, light, and hope. Please know that you can come here anytime you feel the need. We care and we will listen.

    Big hugs to you. And your daughter.
  16. I wish you and your children the best life possible. There are three reasons to divorce, the three A's, abuse, addiction, and adultery. I hope you never give him another chance. I know this is very difficult, but you sound like an excellent mother and you and your children need to move forward. Put yourself and your children in therapy and never talk to him again.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lyssa hope you stay in touch dear. we really do care about you.
    True concern and deanokat like this.
  18. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    How are you doing today, @Lyssa? Keeping good thoughts for you and your daughter.
  19. Hi Lyssa, I pray for you and your daughters recovery. I left a codependent marriage in 1989. My daughter was 4 months old. Life was VERY difficult at the time, but looking back it was the best possible move. Picture you and your daughter's life 20 years from now...happy, strong, well-adjusted and beautiful. Keep your daughter's development in mind...nothing matters more than protecting her from the ravages of disfunction. Stay strong and take one step at a time. Good wishes to you both.
    deanokat likes this.