He Lost Himself.....

Other than college, I've never participated in threads like this before. I was even addicted to pain pills for 11 years and got through that all on my own because I knew I was strong. A person who can take 10 pills a day for about 10 years is a strong person to me. So, I thought.... Overcame by ordeal. Unfortunately this story isn't about me.

My boyfriend of 4 years now has become a meth monster. I have no clue as to what to do except find the biggest rock in Texas and crawl under it indefinitely. I will admit that I did dabble in it a few times. The first time was curiosity, then after that it was every other month or so and we'd have great sex for longer than usual.
That fun time didn't last (as I knew it wouldn't) and I'm here.

Not only did I find out he's been doing it on and off for the last 3 years, but the fact that in the last few months he's become worse than I could have ever imagined.

I started to become his number one enemy when he did too much. I even got stupid and said that I'd play the hero/babysitter and take care of him if he did too much. That also was dumb of me because that went over like a turd in a punch bowel. In the last 8 weeks, I have been left stranded, twice, with no cellphone, no money and no wheels. The first time he left me he told me he was going to the store. Didn't think anything of it at the time because he's never left me before..... 2 hours later, I'm calling his phone from a landline and he's now accusing me of me hiding people under the bed and that I better tell him what I've been up too or he's not coming back. I had better not tell him "nothing" because he said he knew that was a lie. IT WASN'T A LIE. So, after I busted my butt to make him apart of my family again, I'm calling my momma to tell her that he left and never came back and that her or my dad would have to come pick me up because he took, the money, the car and I had no cell phone. So basically, my parents were the last people I wanted to call, but since my cell phone was in pieces on the side of the highway, I only had my moms number memorized. I was seriously mortified.
After a couple days of the initial shock, I chalked it up as, "he was in a bad state of mind and blah blah blah. I didn't feel bad for letting that slide because we were both doing something we shouldn't have been doing AND he had never displayed this type of behavior before.

The second and third time, I was just an idiot. Because now I was at the point of.........he can change. He's going to realize when he sobers up that the treatment of the woman he loves has been totally destructive and he was going to feel bad and say he would never touch that stuff again. Wrong doesn't take breaks in my life so you could imagine my surprise when he turned it all around on me, justified it to the point of; I made him feel unsafe, he didn't trust me and to top it off like foam on a good draft beer, he has started accusing me of the most outlandish things that I can promise you I have not and would not ever do. He has just made up stories and has actually believed them to be true. Even so much as putting my face on a porn site, with my email address and confronting me asking why I did it. I had my very first nervous breakdown after that one. I work for companies that want to see your Facebook before they hire you. I would never put anything like that about myself on anything like that. I'm not judging, do what you want, but don't up it online!!! So after emailing the site explaining to them that I did NOT create that account, they deleted it right away. Still to this day he will not admit it. He even got so high that he doesn't even remember telling me he did. He has lost will power, self control and his impulse control is killing him. After he waved 2 guns in my face, I had enough. I've never been so hurt in my whole life and trust me, my life hasn't been a cake walk. I've lost the man i had planned the last 42 years of my life with. He took that away in a matter of seconds. I feel robbed. As mad and hurt as I am, I'm worried about him. As bad as the verbal abuse it, how he calls me a cop and says the most hateful things anyone has ever said, I know there is something i can do. I don't care if its throwing him in jail at this point.

Thanks for Reading,

Trying_To_Cope

It's amazing how a perfect stranger can give better advice than my friends. I have reached to the point of shutting down and have detached from everyone and everything in my life. I guess this is called depression?? I'm a problem solver, so knowing that I cant solve this, is actually making me think I can't get past it. We are not living together. I'd be dead if I had stayed. Counseling is something that I have thought long and hard about and I think that I really need it. I thought it was a sign of weakness, but admitting I need to talk to someone actually shows how strong I really am. He always needed me. Now, I'm invisible.
Thanks so much for your kind words.

@Trying_To_Cope im kinda thread hoping now following your story and you mentioned you felt "Vulnerable" sharing this online to stranger's, and I don't want you to feel alone so here is my story which I shared when I first came to the site.So now I'm Vulnerable as well I don't know but I hope it comfort's you in some small way...and @Dominica is amazing, when I first came here about 4-5 month's ago she was the first to respond and I'm forever grateful...anyways

This is my story of addiction.I was born in the early 80's at the age of six year's old i was diagnosed with A.D.H.D.at that time there was a new F.D.A.approved drug by the name of Ritalin.At first it seemed to be a miracle pill,I was on this pill until the age of 18 at that time i decided i was no longer going to take this pill and it began just under a year passed and someone said "Have you ever tried crystal"which i had not at that time but i tried it and instantly noticed that it was 100% the same effect i got from Ritalin only difference was it lasted longer,or seemed to but honestly it was probably the quantity i was doing was greater than that of Ritalin i struggled with meth on and off for roughly 20 year's,not only meth but i was as well consuming 750ml of Jack Daniel's a day plus a 12 pack of beer.For those who don't know when you mix the two you don't appear to get drunk which is very deadly because infact you do get drunk however you don't realise it until it's too late meaning alcohol poisoning.I experienced this a few times and actually died on a hospital bed due to this fact,it took 3 hits with a defibrillator to restart my heart and i was told the only reason I was hit 3 times was because i was only 19 year's old,but usually after the second time if your heart doesn't restart you are then pronounced dead,but a nurse pleaded with the Dr.to try one more time and he did and my heart started back up.I didn't know at the time but that nurse was actually the mother of the lead singer of Sublime who just lost her son to a heroin overdose.I am forever grateful for that nurse without her plea i would be another statistic.Unfortunately I didn't quite using drug's at that time i just traded substances.I started abusing pain pills heavily and increased that addiction to catastrophic proportions,it got so bad i started injecting heroin which i quickly traded for oxycontin because it was much stronger than heroin.I abused fentanyl as well but nothing compared to the oxycontin.At my worst i was injecting 240-320mg's of oxycontin a day,feeling i wouldn't survive another month i decided to seek help.I'm poor and i come from poor parent's so my options were limited,i ended up at a methadone clinic for help slowly decreasing my extremely high tolerance.At the clinic i had an interview with a drug addiction counselor and an addiction physician,i was hoping for good news but what i heard shock me to my core.I was told by both the same thing,"Sir we are sorry to tell you but your addiction and tolerance is beyond the point of return,whether you quit or continue either way you cannot survive you have if your lucky a month to live"My heart sank and i decided at that moment if i was going to die i would die trying.I went home and prayed and then i called my wife into the room to tell her the news.At that moment i apologized to her told her how much she meant to me and made her promise if i didn't make it she would move on re marry and live a happy life and she noded yes.After that i quite cold turkey and suffered pain and sickness i cannot describe,for 27 straight day's i did not leave the bedroom,i did not eat,i did not sleep,i hallucinated,i screamed in intense unimaginable pain,i lost over 50 pound's in that time frame and had to be rushed to the hospital 3 time's where they would rehydrate me and try to give me pain shots to stall the detox which i refused.On day 28 I took my first steps after i quite and by the grace of God i survived and this May im married 18 year's to my beautiful wife and guardian angel.This is the first time I've shared my story of addiction and i did it for one reason alone,i want everyone to know i understand what you are going through and no matter how bad it gets there is hope.I'm here for each and everyone of you,if you ever need someone to talk to,if you ever feel no one understands im all ears and i do understand.Stay Strong We're rooting for you

You are certainly an inspiration. Your story moved me to the point of having to get up and get some kleenex. I can totally relate to the pain, and the flu like symptoms times 100. I think the psychological part was the worst for me. I'm still trying to deal with that. Now, the fact I'm trying to save the first man I've ever loved, all's I want is a bottle of pills. They hid the pain that hurt the worst. I honestly waiting for someone to just tell me that I'm past the point of threads and need to just go ahead and have myself put in a straight jacket and never return.
I was a very selfish person when i was having my pill party for 11 years. I have never told anyone but my boyfriend until today. I still had it in my head that i had it the worst. well my friend, anyone who goes through any addiction has it just as bad as the first, the second and the last.... You, me and everyone with an addiction problem are on the same level. Different stories and situations, but no one is above anyone else in the hurt department. I think that is something that bonds all of us for sure.
You are a walking blessing and I'm so glad that you shared your story. Actually made me feel like I'm doing the right thing by telling my business. Thank you so much.

Maybe one of these days I'll flip the script and fill you in on my pill problem. I still dont trust myself to not take them if I could.....

You are correct, as addicts/ recovering addicts/dealing with a loved one who is an addict,etc we are all equal in pain and agony...we are human.I understand "Pill party selfishness "they numb more than pain,they numb emotions but then comes the day you/ me/we get off the pills and the emotions or psychological pain comes back in a way that feels like we are constantly being hit by a train ,I spend a lot of time trying to make sense of why my life went a certain direction and I always come back to this...If my painful experiences and struggle can help someone else in some small way, maybe opening someone's eyes to change their life before they go through the same,or if really in any way it help's, than I thank god for the life I've lived and wouldn't change any of it.I am no longer selfish,I can't be,I refuse to be.With the rest of the time I have left on this planet I only want to help inspire,encourage, support,and do whatever I can to take a person's emptiness, hopelessness, loneliness, etc and help them overcome and see there is still good in this world, in today's world humanity as a whole is vulnerable and I bottled my heart and soul up for most of my life and now I would jump in front of a bullet for a complete stranger,I have no time to judge,criticize ,put down,if I could I would lift the world above an avalanche and give my life for other's to continue theirs.In person many tell me im to hard to approach because im very blunt,what people don't understand about me is im not blunt to be disrespectful, im blunt because I want to get to the truth and I try my best to speak the truth.Im human,im flawed,I carry shame,and heartache but im not unique for these thing's im just like everyone else and once we as humans start to really speak with our heart and soul amazing thing's start to happen, like healing.Im glad you found us,here on this site and I welcome you with open arms.Stay Strong and God Bless

I understand and at your pace when your comfortable sharing,I know from experience releasing thing's help's but I'm fairly new at it honestly, I never shared my emotions or problems ever before this site and now I can't stop...I change my profile picture from time to time so I put a picture of me up just so you know what I look like,I switch it back and forth because it helps myself with that "vulnerability" feeling, sometimes I get nervous and I remove it but usually when someone new comes to the site I put my face back up just as a way to say hello

I totally agree. I'm blunt because It's the best way. Not in a mean or demanding way, but just because in all reality when you go through this crap, you do everything the hard way. Now, I simply get right down to the point because its the easiest way and in my case, its usually the right way because lucky for some folks, I've tried every hard way first. And then for kicks, I did that same thing again. I don't wish what I went through on my worst enemy. I dont need sympathy either. I dont need to be praised. I just cannot stand to see someone fighting it because I can relate 100%.
Now look at me, my man has totally fallen off the deep end and instead of me getting my stories of addiction out in the open, i'm yet again, setting myself aside because of him. Even though its not his fault, but I want pain pills and meth now more than ever because I dont know how to cope with the pain. Is it his fault i feel pain?? YOU DARN RIGHT. But I cant blame him for me wanting to have zero cares. He was there through my addiction. Now, I want to return the favor but, for the first time in my adult life, I cant solve this problem. I dont have anything left. No fight, no defending myself, no...........self worth. I cry in private because I dont want anyone knowing what Im dealing with. I hold everything in and then i blow... so not healthy, but im at the point where i actually need help. there is no way that i can help him if he doesnt want to be helped, so my hard time is dealing with the fact that i lost my happiness and my plans for the future within a matter of days. How do I bounce back? How come I still have tremendous love for him?? And how come I also hate him and blame him for my state of mind right now?? I'm a mess and i need to go and take a jog. I'm driving myself crazy with all the questions....

All your questions are easy to answer.The reason why is YOU LOVE him and there is nothing wrong with that.Take you a jog if it help's, I usually take off running at like whatever time I need but im currently grounded as I wait on knee surgery, but after I have surgery and heal im gonna run to the next zip code probably

Thank you! I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude over the support you all have shown. You all are an amazing group of people.