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Hello I'm 30 years old and recently got kinda hooked on cocain.

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Dummy1, Nov 24, 2018.

  1. Dummy1

    Dummy1 Member

    Extremely long story short I start taking high doses of Xanan after my daughter passed away 3 years ago just last month was her 3 year anniversary. Anyways they prescribed me that and vicodin to help with the chest pain and arm pain I was having severe physical panic attacks. I have come confident that this pain will last forever as I still deal with it now on a daily basis. People at one of the places I work dabble in cocaine, so I tried it mind u I'm 30 and never done drugs but i liked the energy it brought and not thinking about the month of October when her anniversary was coming is ( this was at the end of September) mind you but the come down was awful. I stayed in bed for my two days off and cried with her blanket and finally took some xanax and was back to square one so I decided like a dummy I am to do it again this time for like 9 hours straight to the point i had done almost 5g to myself and I was shaking couldn't breath well cold and just all around fucked up stomach hurt the works was pretty sure I overdosed so I stopped took a shower got my nose and sinuses all cleaned out and took a 2 xanax and I went to sleep within 30 minutes. Anyways like I said long story short because theres more stupidness sense October but now I'm doing it for at least 2 days straight every week. I need help I need someone to point me in a diff direction possibly a medicine that can help me I dont want to see any doctors as I work in a hospital and well yea.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Dummy1 hello and welcome. i am so sorry that you lost your daughter.... i'm sure the grief feels unbearable.

    i know you say you don't want to deal with doctors.... but the reality is that you may need some professional help.... to wean yourself off and if you're not seeing a therapist regarding this great loss..... that could help too. what if you see someone outside of your hospital? it might be tough to reach out, but it's worth it and nothing to be ashamed of.... you went through a horrific loss... and it's no wonder you'd want to numb out! people understand that.... getting addicted to something does not make you weak or bad.... you're human... so please, think about reaching out for help.

    you may be able to wean yourself off... but if so, surround yourself with a good support system. we are def here for you, but find a few others who can be your supports too... what about a support group? are you open to that?

    please be careful....

    i don't know of a medicine that can help. sorry....

    we are listen and support you however we can.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  3. Dummy1

    Dummy1 Member

    Like last night into this morning. I have done 5g again in less then 9 hours and everytime I feel myself coming down i push myself back. I have never been good talking about my feelings I see a therapist over the last 3 years twice a week. She knows something wrong I just haven't said anything yet. Idk I'm super confused right now and feeling kinda like I'm never gonna get past her death or learn to live with it. Yano what I mean. It's not fair
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Dummy1 I am sorry to hear about you're loss and yes I would say 5grams in that time frame and being cold definitely an overdose on that one.unfortunately there is no "Miracle" medicine to fix the thing's that eat at us and I think @Dominica has given great advice on a path forward.I wish I could say something to ease you're pain but I can't however I am happy to meet you and am willing to listen any time you need to talk or vent or whatever. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS
    deanokat likes this.
  5. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hi. I want to say I too am sorry for your huge loss. Losses are the absolute hardest things...that pain alone is enough to make it hard to breathe and I speak from the experience many of us have had of losses and grief.
    The amount of drugs or type of drugs isn't really the issue though. It is what it does for and to you and do you really want to stop is what is important.
    The drugs are a symptom to the problem. A temporary fix to a long term problem and it isn't even a fix anymore is it? I know I am still left with the same problem and feeling worse about myself after I run out.
    The only way through something like this is to go through it unfortunately. I don't think it is a good idea to do it on your own and try to figure this all out in your own head. Your own head or mind is what gave you this poor coping with this tragedy idea of drugs to numb it in the first place. Now you have the drug vicious cycle as an additional problem and still the loss and the feelings you are trying (unsuccessfully I am sure) to stuff down.
    So to break the cycle and see a therapist is a great idea of Dominica's however if you aren't being transparent to your therapist it is a waste of time except if you are using the therapist as a way or means to justify getting xanax or vicodin.
    You are actually making things harder rather than easier on yourself. The ups of the cocaine (and trust me I have been using and trying to stay clean from that drug for over 20 years) and downs are enough to make you feel hopeless and that life sucks and there is no other way to live other than having a constant supply and being the pharmacist of the combination of xanax to come down or even out the too up feeling cocaine especially cut feeling.
    Like True Concern said: there is no magic pill to cure you. No magic pill to stop cocaine. Especially not xanax. Xanax happens to be one of the hardest detoxes there is. Cocaine is no picnic detoxing from either. Vicodan is an opiate and is going to either lead you to stronger opiates that might kill you or take your life to a new low level and create one of the hardest and longest detoxes. There will be a time that the vicodin won't work for you and you will find a way to get something stronger and all bets will be off on your life.
    Would your daughter want you to be like this? Harsh but something maybe to motivate you to in her memory change about your life?
    My suggestion is to find an addictionologist and forget the therapist for right now if you cannot be honest with him/her. The number one thing you must do to come out of this is get off the drugs and you need (we all do/ hence this site) help.
    An addictionologist wouldn't bat an eyelash at anything you say you are doing or have done. They wouldn't listen to your feelings about your loss other than acknowledge it...they are there to get you off the drugs safely either through a detox week somewhere or suboxone or whatever they feel medically you need. An addictionologist is a safe place for you to turn to that will save you. I am sure after that they will suggest a 12 step program that you would go to narcotics annonymous meetings which is another safe place where they will listen to your feelings of loss, anger, sadness etc and desire to use.
    The important thing you will gain if you do this is a strong foundation for living. When anything happens you will not use no matter what and you will not have the added burden of wanting but not being able to stop using. Your self hatred will slip away eventually if you do this. Your sorrow will lessen. You will live.
    Keep venting here in the meantime! That shows you have the desire to do this and you can!
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @Liola very touching,genuine word's.I love you're honesty from're amazing :)
    deanokat, Liola and Dominica like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Dummy1... Welcome to the community. Like the others who have commented on your post, my deepest condolences go out to you on the loss of your daughter. I can't imagine the heartache her passing brought you. I'm also sorry to hear that you're struggling with cocaine addiction. Unfortunately, drugs are not the answer to our problems. And there is no magic cure for addiction. You really need to talk to professionals and get their help. There is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed. Addiction is a disease, not a moral failing. You are not a bad person; you're a sick person. And it's okay to ask for help in order to get better.

    Seeing an addiction specialist is something I think would really help you. They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps for you. You may also want to consider going to support group meetings, like Narcotics Anonymous (NA), Cocaine Anonymous (CA), or SMART Recovery. Being around others who know exactly what you're going through can be very helpful and comforting. You are not alone, my friend.

    We are here to help you, support you, and listen to you. If you feel the need to reach out and lean on someone, please come and lean on us. That's what we're here for. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of positive energy, and healing, clean-and-sober vibes. And even more encouragement and hope. I know you can overcome this issue you have with cocaine. Be strong. Get help. Your life may depend on it. And I know your daughter would've wanted you to fight and defeat this demon.
  8. Teetee

    Teetee Active Contributor

    Oh mate trust me you do not want to get addicted to Coke man, I was on it for 5 years, please do no start, you made a mistake, its forgiveable, you can start all over again, life has given you a chance again (God) and maybe next time God forbid it is not worse, especially when your mixing 2 drugs is never a good idea at all. Think about it, will your daughter want you to be like this? Will she want you to be in a state of impurity? Live a legacy of a true warrior with a clean life, God will, you will be alright man.
    Dominica, deanokat and True concern like this.