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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Dianna, Apr 16, 2018.

  1. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I just registered today because our son Bryan has admitted to using cocaine over the past few years. He is only 23 and only admitted this to us recently even though we have known something has been wrong for a while. My and my husband's family have incidents of alcoholism so we have always been concerned for our kids and my Bryan definitely drinks too much or has in the past. Bryan did agree to go to the doctor who referred him to a 12 step program and he has been going and seemed to like it. However, yesterday, he went AWOL and wouldn't answer our phone calls so we tracked him down and took his truck because we didn't want him to drink and drive as he has a DUI conviction. He lashed out at us and didn't come home and didn't go to work and of course, his phone is dead. Of course, we have no idea what to do. I think I joined because I just don't know where to turn really. My husand and I are both not sure what to do. Anyway, that's our story.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Dianna hey there. so sorry you're having to go through this... it can be scary, confusing, and just not sure what to do. my son is 23 and drinks .... so i do understand a bit of what you're going through.

    he lives with you?

    if he lives with you, about the only thing you can do is lay down some boundaries...and consequences if he breaks them. but it's more involved than that, for sure.... are you able to attend a 12 step meeting like al-anon or nar-anon? you'll get some support from others in the same shoes.

    it's not unusual for recovering addicts to relapse... once, twice, or more...

    I’ve found a wonderful resource called Community Reinforcement and Family Training (CRAFT) that helps loved ones of addicts by using a positive, relationship-based approach. Helps me learn how to stay in a relationship with my loved one without losing my sanity or peace or enabling their addiction. It helps me learn to set new boundaries and communication in ways that foster empathy and healing. It teaches me that I don’t have any control over my loved one’s addiction, but I can influence change in my relationship with my loved one.

    It’s based upon the book, BEYOND ADDICTION: HOW SCIENCE AND KINDNESS HELPS PEOPLE CHANGE.

    There’s also a 20 minute online guide (free) for parents and partners of addicts:

    https://the20minuteguide.com/

    hope this helps some...
  3. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I sure do thank you for answering me. Yes he does love with us and he has been going to group for about two weeks. He went out last nite and I suspect partook or whatever poison it was and today all is awful...we are horrible....and he’s a loser. He’s super unreasonable. The rule is no car if you’re not working and if you’re not in contact with us and home at an early hour.

    I will look at the resource you mentioned. I am letting God take over for me so I’m not too stressed. This has been going on for a few years now so we’re used to it but concerned. I’m sure you’ve heard it all. Thank you for talking to me.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Dianna it can definitely be stressful...not how we thought parenting would go, huh?

    it's great he's going to group. i think one thing that has helped give me a bit of peace is learning that change takes time, and recovery is a process. until his pain level is really bothering him (consequences), he may not really take many steps toward change... but still, he is doing something.

    also helped me when i learned that something like 87 percent of people who are abusing alcohol or drugs recover at some point... many on their own. the other percent may recover, but have more of a recover/relapse kind of path...sometimes life long.

    i'm believing our sons are among that 87 percent. they'll get it...and they'll keep making strides toward recovery.
  5. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I hope so. Something happend Sunday to cause him to lapse and I still don't know what that was but he hasn't been talking to us since then and he hasn't come home and he hasn't gone to work and he'll probably lose his job this time. I think you're right about the pain/consequences. He has a friend who he always runs to so he doesn't suffer so much in that regard. Anyay, I will get the book and I will read and I am still trying to send him encouraging messages even though he appears to be ignoring my and his father's texts. It's a pattern we've seen before though. He did really lash out at us but it's so obvious that he's really just mad at himself. He expresses anger at inheriting this addictive personality but he isn't taking the steps to deal with it. He took the first steps but he also is addicted to his phone and his video games and it causes him great difficulty sleeping which all becomes this vicious cycle. Anyway, thank you again for talking with me and I will do all the reading you suggest and I and his father will keep trying to be as encouraging as possible.
  6. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I will say that we find it very odd that he was diligently going to group for two weeks and then suddenly everything has fallen apart and we just don't get it. It's as if he has two different personalities. I think I need a therapist at this point hahahahahahahaha.... seriously...
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Dianna addiction is a family issue, and yes, everyone needs some good counseling to get through it and stay sane...

    he is probably struggling at various levels. ambivalence is part of change, meaning, sometimes he's probably thinking, "man, i don't want to be doing this crap" and at other times he's probably thinking, "i love partying..." statistics say it can take several years of that up and down in the mind before really making good progress at recovery.

    i know it's tough, but try to move on with your life. set your boundaries and keep them. take the truck in a matter of fact way, b/c that's the consequence. no feeling bad, no apology. just following through... when he sees that ya'll are not so attached, not taking it so personal, it puts the ball fully in his court. it gets him thinking, "hmmm, this really is my choice to keep screwing up or not, and they're serious about the consequences."

    anyway, the book will be helpful. check the 20 minute guide first to see if that resonates.

    i do understand. my son doesn't live with me though..he lives with his dad, who enables. ugh. still, i've had my share of lessons learned.

    hugs.
  8. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    You’re so smart and everything you say makes such good sense and is exactly how it is here. Thank you thank you thank you. I’ll be in touch.
    Dominica likes this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

  10. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I am reading the piece about addiction and neuroplasticity. Interesting.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

  12. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    Can I ask your advice? It seems our son Bryan may have decided to come back home, still insisting that he was involved in sober activities. We do not believe him. Of course we want him to come home but is this where we lay out the expectations? I think that we would like him to (1) go back to his group; (2) we want him to find a job; (3) we want him to stay away from his enabling friends; (4) the truck is only for work and going to group or the doctor; and (4) he has got to quit lying to us about everything under the sun.

    Do you think this is a good start? If he can' t do this do we change the locks and sell his truck?

    I ordered the CRAFT book today.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Dianna hey there. i understand it's tough to believe him. i do think setting boundaries would be important. it's your home. he is an adult living with you, so rules are not crazy. rules and consequences...

    glad you ordered the book. maybe read the 20 minute guide while you're waiting for it.

    https://the20minuteguide.com/

    also found a good article here:

    https://www.rehabs.com/pro-talk-art...dren-when-they-are-struggling-with-addiction/

    as far as the rules... i'm not sure. a great place to work out rules and consequences may be with a counselor. i know the CRAFT method and the book Beyond Addiction covers a lot about these things.

    but it is your home... so your rules. is he receptive to sit and talk with you without getting angry? can you have this conversation in a loving, calm way? i think a heart-to-heart is a good thing...and i do think your home should be as you desire..peaceful. for me, i know i would have rules for my 23 y/o, and as long as he was making some effort, i'd be alright. i get change takes time.... but if he wasn't making the effort, yah, i'd follow through with the consequences. also, there are drug tests you can administer.

    but, i do think talking with a professional might help. and, def read the book...and keep researching.
  14. Dianna

    Dianna Member

  15. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    Yes, I believe we can but I worry that he talks and we talk but that while he seems reasonable, he isn't. But I have been reading what you're sending me and yes, we can all be civil and yes, I do want him to be there as long as he's trying. Even if he honestly said he messed up, I would be ok so long as he keeps trying. I'll let you know.
  16. Dianna

    Dianna Member

    I read the 20 minute guide yesterday. I'm all in...
  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Dianna awesome! I am getting a lot out of the book too. It's slow reading, b/c it's a lot of great info. But it does help and the people who wrote it actually deal with this sort of thing every day.

    This is a learning process (for me too!). I do find that doing affirmations for my son helps... and visualizing him responsible, happy, settled, sober, etc. I believe it helps him too (somehow) :)

    rooting for your son...and ya'll!
  18. Afford

    Afford Member

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