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HELP! He doesn't think he has a problem

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by 12Many, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. 12Many

    12Many Member

    I should start by saying my husband's drinking never bothered me in the past because it was limited to just social drinking, like me. However, lately I think he is taking it too far. He drinks excessively almost every day. He hates his job so he is drinking to "unwind" but last night he drank 2 bottles and passed out on the floor. This isn't the first time he has passed out. One weekend we were sitting outside with the kids drinking wine. I drank one glass and he finished the bottle. He then proceeded to polish off a second bottle and then was on the G&T. He was with the kids in the theatre room while I was making dinner and passed out. He came home from work one night and there was no wine or beer in the house but he had to have a drink so found some cognac and drank the rest of that. He refuses to listen to me that his drinking is getting out of hand and his personality is changing. He used to be so sweet to me but lately he has been mean and detached. And he used to be a happy drunk but lately he is getting mean when he drinks. I can't continue like this but he won't acknowledge he has a problem and doesn't seem to care that it is bothering me and I want him to stop. Any advice? We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old and I don't want them exposed to this
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @12Many... Welcome to the forums. I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time with your husband, but I'm happy that you reached out to us.

    There's no doubt that loving someone who struggles with addiction is an incredible challenge. Many times, like in your case, the loved one doesn't want to admit that they have a problem and that makes things very difficult. Unfortunately, no matter how much you want your husband to get help, he is the only one who can make the decision to do so. That can be super frustrating.

    Sometimes the only way you can motivate someone to get help is to give them an ultimatum. Maybe it's time you tell your husband that he has to change in order to preserve your relationship. You have two very young children and they certainly don't need to be exposed to your husband's alcohol abuse. That will definitely have a negative impact on them as they grow up. And you deserve to live a happy and healthy life, too. There's no doubt about it: You and your children should be the top priority in your life.

    You may want to find a time when your husband is sober and sit down with him for a heart-to-heart conversation. Don't get angry or confrontational with him. Talk to him using love and empathy and let him know that you're concerned for his health and well-being. Tell him how his drinking affects you and how you don't want your kids to grow up exposed to it. Tell him you'll be supportive of him if he decides to get help.

    If he chooses to get help, that will be great. But if he continues his denial and refuses not to get help, then you'll have some tough decisions to make. But remember: YOU and your kids should come first.

    There are some good books out there that you could read to help educate yourself. I wrote about my favorites in a blog post not too long ago. Here's the link:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    You are not alone, @12Many. There are so many spouses, children, and relatives out there who have a loved one who is struggling. There are a lot of us right here, too. So feel free to come back here anytime to ask for help, support, advice, or just to vent. In the meantime, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also sending you positive vibes and hugs full of hope. Your husband can beat his battle with alcohol...if he wants to. I hope he will get to that point soon.

    Love and light to you.
  3. Lmj

    Lmj Member

    I know it is a bit different than what @12Many is talking about but I have an issue that I do not know how to handle either for myself or my mother. In my mind my mom is and has been an alcohol abuser all of my life and longer. I am 63 years old and my very first memory is my father trying to get my mother settled down because she was being argumentative and was throwing things around because something got her upset. I was 2 years old! My mom is 83 years old and has been widowed for almost 4 years but thais just another extenuating excuse in my book. As hard as I try to do the things I should like trying Alanon for family members of abusers, reading all kinds of books about addictions, alcoholism etc., I am still trying to move on. I used to be an enabler by buying her booze years and years ago reluctantly, I don't know how to cope anymore. I'm so spent dealing with it.

    She has been in a retirement assisted living facility for the past 4 years and has been kicked out of 2 of the 3 and I'm certain she will be asked to leave the current one soon.

    I know she has had issues growing up, for example she is a residential school victim and I say not a survivor because I do not think she has not dealt with the issues involved. This happened from ages 5 through to age 13. I believe she has been physically and sexually abused as well but will not speak about it.

    I too have been sexually abused and have been trying to deal with it on an ongoing basis. It was Her father who abused me and she does not know it but I think in her case it may have been the priests who ran the schools. I have experienced depression as well as other issues but as much as I try to deal with this/these issues I get called into her issues.

    I have 2 other brothers, one who is disabled and cannot help her and the other one lives across the country and wants nothing to do with her.

    I think I just want a magic answer to fix all this.i know there isn't one but need some help. She refuses to think she has an issue with abusing alcoholic, she says she likes to drink her liquor but doesn't have a problem. She has fallen down and broke her hip, leg, arm, wrist and cut her head from falling at differing times. Lately she is falling almost weekly or biweekly. I have been to the emergency with her a number of times lately. Even the doctors say to lighten up on the drinking but to no avail. And she does have her lucid days and sometimes even weeks. I cannot believe that her abuse has not affected her medically..

    I'm sorry for being long winded but I can empathize with the first person who posted here earlier. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Last edited: Jan 3, 2017
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Lmj... Thanks for sharing with us, my friend. I'm sorry you're going through this with your mother.

    I'm wondering...Have any of your mother's doctors suggested she go to treatment for her alcohol issue? Of course, your mother would have to be willing to do that. And I don't even know for sure if there are rehabs that can accommodate elderly patients. But it would certainly seem worthy of investigation. I'm also wondering if there's any way the assisted living place can somehow help limit the amount of alcohol your mother consumes.

    I'm sorry I don't have better advice. If I had a magic wand, I'd send it your way. But I don't. Loving someone who struggles with substance abuse is an incredible challenge. Just remember to take care of yourself because, like Al-Anon teaches: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    Sending positive vibes and hope your way. I will keep your mother in my thoughts and prayers, too.
  5. Daisy256

    Daisy256 Member

    Hey! I think the first thing you have to do is to make your husband realize that he is addicted. I was facing a similar situation two years back. My husband was so loving and caring. Everything was going fine till he had some issues in business. I tried a lot to support him but he was very depressed with the recession in the business. He started drinking alcohol and initially I didn’t bothered much. But I was startled when I came to know that he was using Heroin too. I thought a lot and shared my problem with my best friend. She told me to fix an appointment for an alcohol and drug rehabilitation program in Calgary. I never thought I could get back my husband and now he is playing with our kids. You can also make everything back to normal if you gain some courage and give him proper treatment. If you leave it as it is, then it will be very difficult to overcome the situation. Do something right now and don’t wait till it becomes worse.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @12Many and @Lmj...

    How are you two doing? If you get a chance, check in with us and let us know. We care.
  7. Bets

    Bets Member

    @12Many I hope you are staying strong and your children are doing ok. As a parent you need to separate your relationship with your partner to your children's relationship with their dad. If the misuse of alchol is impenging on the children's relationship with their dad you have to consider this,as I am sure you have.
    I hope and pray that you are making it through and although I can not make it better I can listen if you need it xxx
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Bets

    Bets Member

    @Lmj you have a magic wand .... look in the mirror and beleive you have the power to change only that which you can control xx
    deanokat likes this.