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Help! No one to talk to and secrets keep me sick!

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Sherilyn71, Sep 11, 2018.

  1. Sherilyn71

    Sherilyn71 Member

    Please help any advice or just knowing someone can here me will help. I am from the south and moved to California in July 2014 to go to treatment and decided to stay because I hate it where I live ( the south) I have always since I can remember. I was miserable, depressed my 13 year marriage had ended which I had never been happy in. I felt like I had to get married because it’s the southern way at 24. I have extremely controlling parents who basically dictate my life even at the age 46 they tell me what to do if they say jump I’m supposed to say how high. I left them for a controlling husband. I Did not start using pills until I was 38 and I rapidly became addicted like within a week. It felt like a rush of peace had finally came over me. I was never a a drinker I did not and Still do not like alcohol which would be much cheaper being that my drug of choice is OxyContin and Xanax but that is cheap I also have a gambling addiction and since I was 25 I had been to 12 treatments for an eating disorder. I have 2 children back at home 21 and 15 but they were 10 and 17 when I left. They did not want to move but for my health and my sanity I just couldn’t go back except for very frequent visits. Anyway while I was there I relapsed on new yrs eve 2016 on alcohol no excuse I just felt like I was there at the party and kept being asked if I wanted some finally I cave. As I said I dont like alcohol so I drank a couple but a relapse is a relapse I was living in sober living at the time so that was 20 months sober. I got an apartment with a friend a couple months later she started using heroine and I calley her mom because it had gotten bad so she wanted to move back to Illinois. About 2 months into me living alone extremely lonely and discontent I relapsed on my DOC I snorted 1&1/2 pills blacked out and While driving wrecked hospital and DUI. I did not want to become addicted again and to help with DUI I went to Php for 4 months and stayed sober for almost 2 yrs. then I had kidney Stones and had to have surgery on both kidneys 2 stents the next day I was admitted into ICU for sepsis and the pain was unbearable. They had me on pain pump oral pain meds and injections. Anyway mom hAd flown in because at first they didn’t know if I would make it through the septic shock. 10 days later I was release with 3 different pain meds because the pain was horrible. My mom didn’t leave for 2 weeks when I stopped the meds I did not realize that I was already addicted physically and when she left I relapsed again for about 3 weeks and again I black out and wrecked my car. I was sent to detox but while I was there my mom and a my case manager had decided for me to go impatient. But what I didn’t know was that my controlling mother and my sister flew to California packed up everything I owned there closed down my apartment gave away my dog got a moving company for my car and furniture and moved me back to the south without me knowing and without my permission. That was the worst thing that could happen other them my parents buying me a house literally around the corner. When I lived in California I was so happy there other than the relapses I finally felt free to be an adult away from my parents and being around people who werent judgemental. I hate it here I am so miserable and many days I just wish I didn’t exist. My daughter is married now and has a career so she doesn’t have time for me and my son who is 15 in high school wants the weekends to be with friends so I hardly get to see him. So I been here for a year and it just doesn’t feel real it feels foggy and I feel lost. My parents walk in my house any time they feel like it. And I’m supposed to be ok with it. So I stayed sober for about 4 months and started gambling first for a while but that kept me completely anxious all the time and while I was gone my mom put her name on my bank account and started catching me gambling so I was getting in trouble all the time she cried she tried guilt trips they screamed and scolded me all the time . When the pills started this time I started iv’ing them. So I got put in Iop for 4 months. The first 2 months I Stayed sober but the office is closed on fridays then I realized I could use on Thursday and my urine would be clean on Monday. So I would use every time they UA’d me because I knew they wouldn’t test me within the next 4 days they only do it 1x aweek. So I’ve been out of treatment for about 7 weeks, but I have one after care group a week I’m Ua 1x, a week. I have a therapist a case manager a Sponser and go to aa/Na 5- 6 x’ a week but I’m still using and spending so much money. I live in a conStant state of fear Anxiety loneliness. Depression I hate getting out of the house because I fear talking to anyone. I can’t tell any of those support people because they might recommend treatment and tell the parents I just can’t handle that. I didn’t have group last week so I used a lot over those 2 weeks so when I had to stop Thursday for the UA I have been having withdrawals I didn’t before because I only used 1x a week. I am so miserable here I when I’m driving everything Around me just seems like a daze my head is so foggy. I feel like I’m in a constant state of mourning California Sober or not. I am miserable living and too afraid to die. I am so sorry for writing so much but I just need to get this out
    Lostboy8731 likes this.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Sherilyn71... Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing so openly and honestly with us. It sounds like you've been through hell and back and I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling. Being miserable living is not a good thing...but please know that dying is not the answer. Where there is life, there is hope, and I believe you can find long-term sobriety and happiness.

    You've obviously tried a lot of things. Maybe some more intense/frequent therapy might help? Or what about seeing an addiction specialist? An addiction specialist is a doctor who is thoroughly trained in all aspects of addiction, so they know way more than "regular" doctors. They can assess your specific situation and recommend the next best steps for you. I know you've been to hospitals and treatment, but I think seeing an addiction specialist might be a very good thing for you. You can find an addiction specialist in your area by using the Find a Doctor tool on the American Board of Addiction Medicine's website. Here's that link:

    I wish I had better answers for you. Please don't ever stop trying, okay? Your life is a precious one and you matter.

    Sending you love, light, hope, and healing vibes.
    Lostboy8731 and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Hello and welcome. Thank you so much for reaching out. It sounds like you're really ready for a big change in your life for the better. I agree with Dean that committing to seeing an addiction specialist may be a good new start for you. Committing to a season of intense therapy where you can not only work on the recovery aspect, but also emotional issues or the root causes of addiction. Are you able to get to a good therapist?

    We are definitely here to listen, so feel free to share any time. My Hope Is that you'll be able to make a big shift in your life for the better, feeling more peaceful and happy. I pray you'll be led in the best direction for you.
    Lostboy8731 and deanokat like this.
  4. XXIVdysphoria

    XXIVdysphoria Active Contributor

    Holy ****... reading this reminded me of me. I thought I was actually writing this and forgot. It’s eary because even the locations are the same as well as the controlling family and children involved. Wow...

    I’m sorry to hear about your addiction and living situation. Unfortunately I’m at work at the moment and can give an in depth response but I will tonight when I get off. I think I have some helpful advice I can offer on dealing with the family issues and boundaries and ridding yourself of poison relationships. On the addiction side I completely understand why you would feel the need to be high to endure life. Over bearing and poisonous family can be a trigger no matter their motivation. I think excellent advice is given in finding a professional to talk too. That helped me leaps and bounds.

    Again I’ll post a little more in depth and my parallels with your story later tonight. Please hang in there.
    Lostboy8731, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

  6. XXIVdysphoria

    XXIVdysphoria Active Contributor

    Alright I promised this reply yesterday and to be honest I wasn’t up to much by the end of the day so I apologize.

    I to am from the south (New Orleans what’s up!) and have relocated to Southern California (still the south right?) about 7 years ago. The reason for the move was to get my life together. I had just separated from my wife, I lived in a very bad family life that kept me using pain pills to feel any sense of happiness. I knew the happiness wasn’t real (but then again I suppose that’s subjective, it felt real enough, maybe I should say it was artificial happiness) but it was the only ray of light in a dismal environent. One day I had enough and I sought to purge myself of the poisons. I’m not just talking the pills. My family was poison for me. Maybe they didn’t mean to be, maybe I’m the odd one who feels that way. Maybe they are normal and I’m an alien. Doesn’t really change how I felt and how unhappy it made me. They were manipulative, controlling, always jockeying for favor with my mother (I have 7 brothers and sisters who worship the ground my mother walks on) by telling secrets or breaking promises to get a pat on the head. Don’t get me wrong, I was guilty of this too because I thought it normal, after all this was how I grew up and all I knew as family. I imagine somewhere in my mind between friends families and tv and anywhere we draw inspiration for our views on life I started to realize it wasn’t right and it was making me bitter, sick, angry, anxious, rebellious, and a slew of other things. That’s when I dedicated to leave the only city I had known and set out for somewhere new. Let me tell you that it was the greatest thing I had ever done for me. I found work, I found an apartment, I kicked my pill habit cold turkey and didn’t miss the fuckers one bit because for the first time in my life I had something for me and this brought me great happiness and pride.

    I’m going to stop here and continue tomorrow as my eyes are crossing and it’s getting hard to type.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener


    Thank you for sharing a little bit more about your life story. I live in Louisiana and I love to visit New Orleans once in a while. Quite an interesting area!

    I'm super glad that you were able to get away from your family and that you're doing so well in California. Your story can Inspire the many who come here to read and gain some advice. Thank you so much for being here and sharing!
    Lostboy8731 likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for sharing your insight, @XXIVdysphoria. It's interesting how family can be toxic for a lot of people. And how it can lead to lots of issues for an individual. I'm glad moving helped you make big changes in your life. A change of scenery can oftentimes be the catalyst for kickstarting your life. I'm guessing the weather is nicer in SoCal, too, right?
    Lostboy8731 likes this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    WOW.My heart hurts reading this especially "I am miserable living and too afraid too die"WOW.I can feel the agony in your word's, I can almost hear the sadness in your voice if you were to speak those word's.Im feeling grateful right now because since I vanished for almost a month I've come back to see other's truly reaching with compassion and that helps so much,there for awhile"month's "I thought Am I the only one who has felt such misery?But as I dove in here in this community, in the very beginning I thought "it's not possible for other's to truly care and I laid my shame out in detail and the very first person to reach out was this wonderful woman by the name @Dominica and for month's she showed me compassion until I started to believe, maybe just maybe someone does care,well then came along a man who I have to say I love like a brother @deanokat and a few other's but if I allow myself I will right a novel,my point being you have bared your soul,you have laid it out,you have extended your hand and I am hear reaching back as the rest are @XXIVdysphoria I don't know you YET but if you stick around I will but you have also done something amazing and reach out here and to other's so ya I get off track at time's and I apologize but the community is growing and there is strength in numbers.We are all fighting a war of some kind,ours happens to be our own misery and addictive personalities,this doesn't make us makes us unique.Focus on the light inside and push the darkness aside,look into your heart and soul and feel the toll,the endless pain that controls your brain,the misery you feel is ever so real,look in the mirror and try to hear,your voice inside it's screaming with pride,you can beat this disease and I beg you please,look to your heart and see a new start,we've all bared our shame many we could blame but it's our soul and we have the control,,Take a chance on you and we will see you through ,reach out again and again and you will eventually win.Stay Strong and God Bless you all
    Lostboy8731 and deanokat like this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Sherilyn71... How are you doing??? Please check in with us if you get a chance.
  11. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    @Sherilyn71 your story is one that truly penetrates to the core. I wont lie i actually started to cry reading this. So much pain and suffering in your words. I hope you find some help and can get your life back and be truly happy again. As you can see by now the members here are all so amazing and very supportive gentle souls. Reach out any time you need to and remember we are all behind you.
    Keep us posted and good luck dear. Prayers and love your way
    True concern, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  12. DoxyMom

    DoxyMom Community Champion

    I feel the same. Too miserable to live and too afraid to die.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @DoxyMom... Sending you hugs and prayers.
    True concern likes this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    There is always hope.I would love to hear a bit about yourself :)Please reach out you are not alone
    deanokat likes this.