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Help,Please talk to me

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Knightem01, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared to tell my family, I think they would never speak to me again. I have a daughter, 15 months. I have a serious Cocaine addiction and I just had an awful 2 day binge. I don’t want to be this kind of mother, I never was.

    When I pregnant her father started using cocaine while working 2 jobs. I started using a few weeks after my delivery. It’s escalated from a half g a week to a 2 day binge. I would stop for 2 weeks and then my daughters father would bring it around again.

    I just today realized I am choosing cocaine over my daughter. And I’m disgusted in myself. I want to stop now. Eveeytime I confront my boyfriend about how serious our cocaine addiction is, he says We can stop it alone with no treatments. But he never follows through. I told him today I wanted to tell my mother what’s going on and I need her support and help to get through this battle. He got very angry and scared. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone because he doesn’t want our daughter taken away. We love our daughter, I love her and I’m scared one day (if I continue) I’ll overdose. I don’t want to loose my baby. We always make sure she has everything she needs plus more. Then we spend on cocaine. She’s a happy baby, fed clothed bathed. I feel like a shitty parent for my addiction.

    I don’t know where to go, who to talk to. I want to hear from other mothers who struggled with cocaine addiction. I’m scared to loose my baby if I check into rehab. But I know I will never stop if I don’t seek sobriety. Please don’t bash me, I need guidance and support. I have no one to talk to.
  2. Ru y

    Ru y Member

    My daughter is 14 & I have an amphetamine addiction I've had since before she was born. Luckiy I was pregnant during my short term sobriety, but it never really went away. I feel your pain, your fear, your anxiety over this. I have not told my family, so I am probably not the best person to give u advice. But I can tell from your post you are on the right path. You are concerned about having your kid taken? But you provide for her and properly care for her... stay strong. I have come here for help/ support as well because I am done with NA and not willing to admit to my family I have an issue. If nothing else, u have a friend in me
    Knightem01 likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Knightem01 how are you doing? just wanted you to know i was thinking of you.....

    @Ru y why are you done with NA? just curious.
    Knightem01 likes this.
  4. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    I am worried she would be taken away by my mother. That if she found out she would take me to court and take my daughter away. She works for the county and she’s very against people who use drugs. She does know I smoke weed and that bothers her. But she doesn’t know I use cocaine, or my boyfriend for that matter. I’m afraid if someone found out I were using they would turn me into cps and they would take my baby away.
    I’m worried because I have used cocaine while she was in the home. Id use it in a separate room and do my housework, cook and clean. It also numbed my back pain from a spinal tap. I used to just smoke weed and that helped somewhat with my back pain, but a friend introduced me to cocaine. And I look back now and I am just shocked I even did that. How awful of me to be so selfish. I feel like a shitty mom for even having it in my home. I’m doing better, as of today I have not touched cocaine since the day I made this post. I’ve had several urges, and it’s been hard. I haven’t drank alcohol either. I still need to give up weed.

  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Knightem01 thanks for posting. glad you are doing better.... you have made some progress and ambivalence is a normal part of change. the negatives far outweigh the positives, so i support you in playing the tape through when you do get an urge. what will you feel like after you're done? guilt... sadness...regret...fear...and withdrawal effects...and that all sucks.... but how will you feel if you keep abstaining?

    good :) better: proud :)

    proud of you for making the attempt to break this cycle.
  6. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    Thank you Dominica!
    I think the hardest part of this so far is being contempt without. But when I hear a song that has a cocaine reference or when I see a cocaine related post/tweet/snap on social media’s, I crave it. My boyfriend has been abstaining as well, and I’m so proud of him. But just the other day he saw a video on Facebook making a joke out of doing cocaine. And he kept asking to hit up our dealer. I told him no, it’s not worth it. The whole day he kept thinking about it. Kept making jokes about it, I knew he really wanted to get it. He was afraid to cash his work check, because he was scared he would blow it all on dope. He waited until the next morning to cash it. We went out as a family for brunch and went shopping at the mall. We haven’t had much time we spend on treating ourselves to nice things. We were so used to spending our extra money on cocaine.
    It felt great to spend money on items for the whole family and still have a bunch of money left over. He’s started to save his money and put it away. He hasn’t done that in about 2 years.

    I feel great! But I’m struggling with social Media’s influence. I was thinking maybe what could help is I go off for a few months. I know I’m weak rn and could easily relapse.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Knightem01 that's wonderful you both had a great day with the family...and did not use...and put some money away! now those are things that make for a happy life... those are the kinds of things that foster a good, healthy relationship...

    if it were me, i'd stay off social media for a while. and, when i got back on, i'd delete people and pages that would remind me of drug use. your battle is in the mind, so be sure to feed your mind good things. positive things. i used to read a recovery devotional each morning..helped me get my thoughts straight each day, and keep recovery fresh on my mind....

    proud of you....
    Knightem01 likes this.
  8. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I have only ever heard the term "Playing the tape through"from one other person.I understand what it means,but where does it come from?
    Dominica likes this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Knightem01 I would love to hear how you are doing.I believe whatever has happened since your initial post you should continue to share here,if for no other reason it's nice to have people in your corner to say good job,or I'm proud of you.Simple thing's like these are great for our self esteem and even if you have gone back to cocaine it's best you open up about it,we as human's aren't seeking perfection we are seeking progress.Stay Strong and God Bless Take Care
    Knightem01 and deanokat like this.
  10. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    @True concern
    I haven’t been on here in a very long time. I struggled a few times and had a few more binges since posting on here. I am now officially 2 months sober. Nothing. No cocaine, alcohol or marijuana. I have moved far from the city I recently lived in. I have found a career with my degree. I feel great. I’m working out. And I haven’t went into rehab. I packed up and moved to NYC and trying to live my life to the fullest sober. My daughter is happier here.

    Her father has not stopped using. But he is moving here in a few weeks. I am hoping his mother can convince him to go into a program and get some help. Although I think he will find this new city refreshing and hopefully finish college. I have never felt better in the past 2 years than I do now. I have great support from my boyfriends/ baby fathers mother. She is such a strong and understanding women. She wants to help both of us so we can provide a healthier lifestyle for our daughter.

    I worry my boyfriend will go back to using cocaine if he goes back into the restaurant industry here. So many people use all types of drugs in that industry. I hope he finishes his last 2 semesters of college for his electrical engineering degree and can move forward. But I worry that if he finds someone to sells here, he will use. And it could possibly lead to me using. I hope he will stay strong like I have.

    If he uses again while in our new city, I know I will need out of the relationship immediately. No more chances. I am so happy, I haven’t seen him in 2.5 months. All of my friends from college live here. They are positive people to be around, very professional and don’t use drugs. I have no connects to any drug dealers here. It’s like a whole fresh start for me. I’m not seeking drugs. I spend all of my time with my daughter. Reading, writing, visiting new parks and places, and teaching her new things. She is almost 2 now andI see she is so much happier. She hugs me every day and says I love you. And that makes me want to be a sober mom. I want to hear my daughter tell me she loves me everyday with a clean and sober mind.

    Thank you for checking up on me. I hope I don’t mess this up.

    True concern, deanokat and lonewolves like this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Knightem01 I am so proud of you and I know those hugs and I love you's from your little girl are priceless, use that as your crutch if you need one,if ever your staring at a line on a mirror hear her voice,those words,feel those hugs and use the strength within those memories to throw that mirror down.Stay Strong and God Bless
  12. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    congrats on 2 months sober!!! sounds like you are doing well and i'm happy to hear that!
    Knightem01, True concern and deanokat like this.
  13. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Knightem01.. Wow. Two months! That's AMAZING! Just keep going, my friend!!!
    Dominica, Knightem01 and True concern like this.