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Help with spouse

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Rosyrain, Apr 24, 2015.

  1. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    In need of a little advise here and hoping you all can provide me with some tips and support. My spouse has been working a lot and has a couple of drinks almost nightly, and he can get a little grumpy because of how tired he is. I have to admit that I have been drinking a little more than normal because it calms my nerves, and I know that I need to stop this.

    I have been dealing with the fact that he does not want to just sit and talk right now and it is hard because I am feeling a little neglected. He is also not one to talk about his feelings, so I don't even know if he is doing ok. He gets annoyed when I ask him how he is feeling and says I think too much. What does all of this mean?
  2. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I'm not married nor am I an expert in relationships but if someone in my life was feeling distant to me and did not want to communicate vocally, the first thing I'd probably try to do is to try and find some other way to bond and communicate such as preparing special meals more often or just watching tv together. Try and find some non vocal way to make him feel loved, relaxed, and more secure, then maybe there will be a better chance of getting a positive response.
  3. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Thanks for the advice and I have actually started to prepare good meals for him to eat when he comes home from work just so he could relax for a while. I am really concerned about the lack of actual talking, but maybe he is just going through a phase in which he just wants some quiet.
  4. imperivm1

    imperivm1 Community Champion

    From what I can gather, it appears that the stress is getting to your husband. What with toiling away working crazy hours every day and the alcohol aggravating his situation even further, I wouldn't be surprised he's acting up. There's just too much going on in his head and what you could do to resolve this is simply take off a bit of the burden off his back. Maybe working more hours yourself could mean he wouldn't have to work as much which I believe would in turn reduce his stress immensely. Just throwing an idea out there.
  5. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Thanks for your input. I have been doing a little online work for some extra income, so that is helping out too. He is having to work mandatory overtime, so I can't do much to help him out there. I am going to do a little better job at just letting him be when he gets home from work and not put forth the expectation that he has to talk to me. I realized too that I was offering to make him a drink when he gets home from work because I felt bad for him in that he was so tired. I am going to stop doing that too because it is not helping the situation.
  6. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Rosyrain, I can write a book about husbands and wives, yet I don't know I have the solution here as couples and situations are so different. What I will say from experience is that most men are not the greatest communicators and communication is one of the keys to a successful relationship. Often one partner has to make the ultimate sacrifice for some balance to be returned to the relationship. From where I sit, it looks like it's going to be you for now.

    All I will say at this stage is to be as supportive as you can be and try not to over think things. I have a major problem in that department and it usually doesn't help. It creates unnecessary stress. Also know that men working long hours to make ends meet sometimes are like walking time bombs so don't pressure him. If he's half a reasonable man he'll see how his actions are affecting you and he'll come around.

    They say the way to a man's heart in through his stomach, so continue to "fed" him well while still taking care of you. I'd also recommend that you keep a careful eye on the alcohol so that it does not get out of hand and maybe in time things will improve. Whatever happens and as difficult as it might be, do not let the situation rob you completely of your joy. Continue to write here and let this serve as your therapy even if only for a limited amount of time.
  7. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Well, give him time to de-stress and reflect. As what you have mentioned, he's a little bit grumpy these days. Probably he's just too burned out at work and just want to relax once he has gotten home. If he doesn't want to sit and talk, don't force him to, because he's just going to get more annoyed. But of course, don't ever forget to make him feel that if he needs you, you'll just always be there for him. I hope both of you will be able to fix this issue soon.
  8. kana_marie

    kana_marie Community Champion

    Tell him a joke or give him the opportunity to complain about work. If he's into cars, ask him a question about cars.

    A lot of men just really don't like talking about "feelings". My husband would rather pull out his own fingernails than talk about his feelings.

    If you can talk to him about the things he is into then you know y'all are fine and you have a starting point. If he won't even talk about those things with you, then you might want to worry.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Overtime means less time for ones self. What did he enjoy most that you believe got him to relax that he is unable to do now? He probably misses it. Maybe begin talks about maybe planning a vacation.

    I just blew up at my husband for not communicating with me so I know how you feel in that area. Sometimes it takes that confrontation to get things back on track. He needs to know how you feel and I have to disagree with not pressing the issue with it comes to communication in a marriage or relationship. 'For better or for worse' were in my vows not 'be careful, you're walking on eggshells.'
  10. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Thanks for the continent support everyone, I really appreciate all of the advice you are giving me. My husband is one of those alpha male characters would also would rather pull out his fingernails than talk about feelings. My issue is that I am a constant worrier and always think something is wrong if he is not talking to me. I am trying to let loose some more in that department because I know it gets on his nerves. He says that if something were bothering him, he would let me know.

    I brought up the topic of the truck he wants last night and he did actually open up and start talking about it. I could personally care less about the truck, but he had a glimmer in his eyes and he was all for talking, so I listened with complete interest. It seemed to work. I am just not going to talk about anything heavy until he gets some much needed rest.
    EditorsRHumansToo! likes this.
  11. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    There are people who'd rather keep mum about what they're going through. It's not always easy for them to open up and usually, you just have to wait for them to break of their own walls. If you're going to climb over those walls even though it's glaring to see that they don't want to let you in, then you may exacerbate the problem. Just quietly support him by doing simple things for him. You could buy a gallon of ice cream eat it together or bring him to a spa or massage parlor. Once he's calmed down, he'll warm up to you.
  12. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    This is more then just a alcohol issue, it has spousal issues all over it. You guys need to talk it out. He's turning to alcohol because of these problems and not the other way around.
  13. juno

    juno Community Champion

    Emotional distance is never good in a marriage and work stress can complicate matters more. You really have to open up those streams of communication. The first thing to do may be to address his situation at work and figure out if it is really worth the stress, perhaps he could take a few days off and you guys can get away for a while to reconnect. When you return from your trip be sure not to break that communication stream. Affection and small daily gestures will definitely help with that. I would also eliminate the alcohol from the home, so this does not turn into an addiction issue.
  14. adfnio

    adfnio Community Champion

    Communication is key here. Take the time and explain to him that you need to talk about a few things. Drinking alcohol is not the problem. Drinking is now a result of your strained relationship.
  15. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I have not purchased any alcohol this week in an attempt to make that problem go away. So far so good, he has not even asked for it, so it looks like an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. We probably drank a little too much because of the fact that it was in the house and accessible. I am stepping back now when he comes home from work and giving him a little time to relax and unwind before we discuss anything that needs to be talked about. It seems to be working, he is a little more open to conversation.
  16. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    He just might be pressured because he's not making enough for the family, and he's taking it out on you. I think you should just wait to catch him while he's in a good mood, and try to make small chat initially with him, and if he seems open, then go ask the things that bother you.
  17. Sarah15

    Sarah15 Member

    Make him a nice cup of tea when he comes through the door; I'm a keen baker, so whenever I hear my husband's car pull into the garage, the kettle goes on and the cake is sliced and served. I look forward to him coming home, so I made this a ritual for us where we just sit and chat over a cup of tea and cake.

    My husband is not a big talker either, so I've had to learn how to talk to him on his level; once he's warmed up though he chats away, and I'm only too keen to listen.

    I hope things are getting better for you - work stress is never easy, and you'll get past it much easier without alcohol.
  18. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Oh I wish my husband were a tea and cake person, he hates both and I am fond of both. He will not even drink a cup of coffee. I have tried to do meals and stuff at the kitchen table, but everyone seems to migrate to the living room.
  19. 003

    003 Community Champion

    You must really be suffering. It's something that you should talk about and open with him. Even if he gets mad, in my opinion, you have to open up to him your sentiments and thoughts. And also for me, it couldn't go anymore like he is, because things will only get worse, until everything is beyond repair.
    Sarah15 likes this.
  20. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I am really hurting inside at the moment. He has stopped drinking so much, but there is certainly something wrong with him and I am starting to talk about it with him in spurts. I do not want to say much at any given time because I do not want him to get mad. Something inside of me feels like the end of the relationship might be ending.