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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by ewestfall, Oct 21, 2015.

  1. ewestfall

    ewestfall Member

    Hello, my name is Erica and I am the daughter of drug addict! Growing up my mom was addicted to Rx medications. I didn't have the "normal" childhood, which has carried over into my adult life. My mom died in August from a drug overdose... I carry a ton of guilt! We were not on speaking terms and I hadn't spoken to her in months. She called and texted often and I never responded. I have a ton of "what if's" but I'm dealing well. The second part of my story is what is really killing me... I am engaged to a drug addict, a Rx drug addict! We med about 2 months after my divorce and I fell hard! He was the nicest man ever! We talked about everything and I was the first person who he has ever opened up to about the things that had happened to him as a child and he made a choice to get off probation, and off of pills and went to jail for 90 days! We talked for hours a day while he was in jail and I never missed a visitation day! We were strong and happy despite the jail thing! It took maybe 30 days after he got out for him to jump fully back into his pill addiction. We have now been together for almost 2 years, my kids love him and we have our own home and things are about 75% better with his drug use! He is paying bills and has a home for the first time in his life! I however an struggling, bad! He has been on perc 30's for the last 10 years and while he isn't doing 5 a day he slips ever week when he gets his paycheck! I have given him a choice, me or the pills! Now instead of being glad that he is not really doing the pills I'm nervous and just keep waiting on him to mess up and having to start all over... I keep finding myself picking fights and being mean because I just know it's coming and maybe it'll hurt less if I prepare myself for the failure which will happen if I keep this up! I really just don't know what to do!!!! I am emotionally drained and can't keep up the everything is ok act!
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ewestfall... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you lost your mother, but please don't feel guilt over her death. We can only do so much when a loved one is addicted, and only they can make the decision to stop using drugs. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. It's not your fault.

    That said, I think you're in a tricky situation with your fiancé. Most people who struggle with addiction will deal with it their entire lives. After having gone through what you went through with your mother, I guess you have to ask yourself if you want to go down that road again with the love of your life. I'm not saying one way or the other is best; I'm just saying that you should take a look at things very closely. Especially with kids involved. Things may end up being great for your fiancé, and you could most certainly live happily ever after. But it's also possible that your kids could end up in a situation like you were in when you were a kid.

    I can't give you advice. Your situation is your own and you are the only one who can decide what's best for you and your kids. But the fact that you say you're emotionally drained is an indicator that maybe you're not so sure about things. If nothing else, I would suggest you delay any wedding plans until you are comfortable with things.

    You deserve to live a happy, healthy, relatively stress-free life. So do your kids. Remember that you and your kids are the most important people in your life.

    I'm sure others in the community will weigh in on your post, too. I hope nothing I've said offends you in any way. That's not my intention. I'm just trying to put everything out there.

    We are here to help and support you any way we can, Erica. Feel free to reach out anytime you need or want to. I hope that you are able to come to a decision that feels good for you, my friend.

    Peace and hugs.
  3. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Hi Erica and welcome to the forum. Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. First off sorry for the loss of your mother. It is sad to see a loved ones lose their life to something that could have been avoided. You have nothing to feel guilty about you did the best you could.

    I am sorry to hear that you are dealing with all that you are right now with your finance and that you are feeling emotionally drained. It is a tough situation when you love an addict. It is not easy just to walk away or to turn that love off that you feel for him. I know that. You have to do what is best for you and your children. I am glad he has stopped for now and I hope that he continues on that road because you deserve to be happy in your relationship. You sound like you have a big, caring heart. I can relate to that.

    This is a wonderful place with so many supportive people. They are easy to talk to and they are great listeners. Nobody passes judgement because we have all been there in one way or another. Feel free to come here and talk. It helps, trust me! They have helped me greatly.

    We are here for you. Wishing you much peace and sending you hugs. Glad you found us here.
  4. ewestfall

    ewestfall Member

    Thank you!!!! I know what I want to do and that is stay, the problem is that I am unable to be positive right now and I know that's what he needs. We are a work in progress!
    deanokat likes this.
  5. ewestfall

    ewestfall Member

    Thank you!!! You know it's true what they say, the kindest of hearts are the ones who hurt the most :) We will get through this, I will stand beside him as long as he is trying and asking for my help. Really I just needed to vent and knew I could get help with that here. Thank you so much for you kind words!
    L_B likes this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Not a problem Erica. I am always here if you need somebody to talk to or want to vent. You can also private message me anytime if you don't want to put in on the boards! I am always around! :)
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ewestfall... There's a really great book out there for loved ones of addicts. One of the things it focuses on is being positive, and how to communicate in a positive, loving, caring way with the addict. I think it would help you a lot. It's by far the best book I've ever read for people who love someone struggling with addiction. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. I can pretty much guarantee that reading it would be hugely beneficial to you.

    There's also a companion workbook, called "The 20 Minute Guide," that goes along with the book. That is available online for free. Maybe you'd like to check that out. It would definitely give you an idea of what the book is all about. Here's the link for the online workbook: (When you go to that page, click on the "I Am a Partner" link.)

    By the way, there's nothing wrong with being a work in progress. Progress, not perfection, right?

    Keeping you guys in my thoughts and prayers, Erica. We are here for you anytime you need us.
  8. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing your story. You've been through a lot and i admire your resilience. Life is not easy and its not for the faint hearted. You need a thick skin to be able to live another day and overcome the daily challenges that we face. I would suggest that you give that guy a chance as he looks serious about you despite his shortcomings.
  9. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Has he thought about getting treatment? Don't spend all your time worrying when the next incident will occur. But he really should get help. He seems like a good guy but one day it could go very badly and something horrible could happen to him. I really wish you all the best.
  10. Jorge Solis

    Jorge Solis Active Contributor

    Hello everyone! My name is Jorge Solis. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It takes real courage to be able to endure something like that and be brave enough to talk about it. I firmly believe that drug abuse not only affects families, it also affects the community as a whole. We are here to share your burdens and to help you any way we can!
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @ewestfall... Thinking of you today. Hope you are doing okay. Know that we are here for you if you need us.

    Sending positive vibes your way.
  12. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @ewestfall Hello and thank you for the courage of telling your story in this forum. You had made the right decision of choosing this forum to relate to us your story. All the members here are always there to give the best advice that they can to help those who are struggling for their life because either they are into addiction or their love ones are into addiction too. I do hope that all your fears and worries will set you free and that you will already have that peace of mind in your life. Keep holding on with your faith and be strong and I know you can make it!
    deanokat likes this.