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Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by Knightem01, Feb 24, 2018.

  1. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    I can’t do this anymore. I’m scared to tell my family, I think they would never speak to me again. I have a daughter, 15 months. I have a serious Cocaine addiction and I just had an awful 2 day binge. I don’t want to be this kind of mother, I never was.

    When I pregnant her father started using cocaine while working 2 jobs. I started using a few weeks after my delivery. It’s escalated from a half g a week to a 2 day binge. I would stop for 2 weeks and then my daughters father would bring it around again.

    I just today realized I am choosing cocaine over my daughter. And I’m disgusted in myself. I want to stop now. Eveeytime I confront my boyfriend about how serious our cocaine addiction is, he says We can stop it alone with no treatments. But he never follows through. I told him today I wanted to tell my mother what’s going on and I need her support and help to get through this battle. He got very angry and scared. He doesn’t want me to tell anyone because he doesn’t want our daughter taken away. We love our daughter, I love her and I’m scared one day (if I continue) I’ll overdose. I don’t want to loose my baby. We always make sure she has everything she needs plus more. Then we spend on cocaine. She’s a happy baby, fed clothed bathed. I feel like a shitty parent for my addiction.

    I don’t know where to go, who to talk to. I want to hear from other mothers who struggled with cocaine addiction. I’m scared to loose my baby if I check into rehab. But I know I will never stop if I don’t seek sobriety. Please don’t bash me, I need guidance and support. I have no one to talk to.
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2018
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Knightem01 hey there! thanks for reaching out... takes courage to ask for help... i'm sorry you are struggling. i know you love your daughter so much.... and you don't want to lose her, and she deserves a momma that is in her right mind and won't die. so do whatever it is you need to do to get on the path of recovery. if you want to tell your mom, tell her. ask for help. reach out. if you keep doing the same things you're doing, you'll get the same results.

    you've got to make some serious decisions, including your boyfriend. is this the kind of life you want for her? i know you don't... i know you take care of her, but the emotional strain that you feel can have an impact on her. might not see it now, but can show up later in life.

    a friend of mine had 2 boys and was addicted to crack. she went to rehab and her mom watched the boys while she was in.... she really wanted to get free and didn't want to lose her boys either. they didn't take custody from her, but a social worker was involved, which was a good thing. she needed accountability and help... she got clean. after treatment, she went to NA meetings. 90 meetings in 90 days at first, and then 2 or 3 nights a week for years. then to 1 meeting a week. she turned her life around...but it took her busting her butt. she would read devotionals in the morning and right before bed. she had a sponsor and worked the 12 Steps of NA. she wanted a better life and worked hard at it. she also ended a relationship at the beginning of her sobriety and stayed single for a while to work on her.

    that's her story. what will your story be? what do you want it to be.?
    this is a chance for a new chapter.... if bf doesn't want to get clean, you can still get clean. draw a line in the sand and say no more. tell your mom or whoever you need..and let people help you. it won't be easy...but it will be worth it.

    do you have a rehab in mind? have you thought about NA? counseling? reading books on addiction? etc? there are many paths to recovery...and it takes time. it's about progress, so don't expect perfection...

    i hope this helps and encourages you. keep sharing here. we will never bash or judge you. drugs are addictive...that doesn't make you a bad person. or weak. or a failure. you're a beautiful soul with hopes and dreams just like the rest of us..... look in the mirror at your eyes.... deep. THAT women underneath that addiction... she's calling your back.

    freedom. it's possible.

    Knightem01 likes this.
  3. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    Thank you for responding to me and not judging me. I really needed a response.
    I’m afraid if I tell my mother she will bash me and take me to court for custody of my daughter. She works for the county. I have a distant cousin who is addicted to cocaine with kids as well and she went to court to try and get custody. And the way she talks so badly about my cousins Cocaine addiction terrifies me to even think about telling her just how deep I am in my addiction.

    I don’t really have any friends, I lost so many. My boyfriend/father of my daughter has been abusive for the past 2 years. I’ve lost all my friends because they were tired of seeing me get hurt and always going back. I have done so downhill with my life since I met this man. Before him I was in college, I even studied in England and China twice. I graduated got my degree and walked the stage accepting my diploma pregnant. My family looks at me with high expectations because of all I have done in my college career.

    Now I have a baby, I lost my job I couldn’t stay focused at work from long binge nights. I feel weak, and rely on my boyfriends income. I’ve lost all sights of my dreams.

    I want to stop this addiction. I want to leave this awful relationship that has deteriorated my soul. But I can’t do it alone, I’m not strong enough. And I really am terrified my mother would bash me and take my daughter away. I literally have no one to talk to, I don’t know how to start this. I will do anything to make this all stop. Group sessions, readings, and rehab. I’ve been so depressed I’ve even thought about suicide. But I could never do that, I never would be that selfish to leave my daughter. I love her so much and want a better life for her and myself.
  4. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Knightem01 i am glad you want to stop... it's time to start rebuilding yourself and a support network. start thinking about your plan to recovery... are you able to attend rehab? inpatient? outpatient? how about 12 Step group like NA? are you able to go to counseling? (have insurance?) start looking at books on addiction recovery, choose one to youtube videos on addiction recovery... educate yourself on it, that empowers you. do this every day, b/c early recovery can be tough and you've got to feed your soul a lot. look for positive people and make connections. find a good MOM meetup group maybe. get involved with other moms. go to church or spiritual center. my point is make a list and find your path to recovery... there's no right or wrong; it's you finding out what works for you....

    start today...

    i watch motivational videos almost daily... keeps me mentally strong... i think face-to-face support is helpful, so however that works for you, do it. you don't have to share with mom right now...just get busy creating a life that works for you, drug free. draw a line in the sand and say no more.

    i'll be here, cheering you on no matter what. never bashing. just be honest with yourself. and know that recovery is not a straight zig zags and there are ups and downs. and life will throw tough stuff at you. learn how to deal with that tough stuff without using.... learn coping skills, communication skills, conflict resolution skills, social skills, etc.

    one day at a time...
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Knightem01 hey there! how are you doing? any changes since we last chatted?

    just wanted you to know i am thinking about you... let me know how things are going when you get a chance.

    Knightem01 likes this.
  6. Knightem01

    Knightem01 Member

    Thank you Dominica,

    I’m doing better. I haven’t done any cocaine since we have last spoke. I have had some urges and so has my boyfriend but we are fighting them. I have not given up smoking weed though. I think smoking has helped a few times when I had the urge to use cocaine.

    I know I need to stop and be completely sober. I have not drank any alcohol. Usually when I drink I want to do cocaine. So I’m stealing away from alcohol as well. I will give up weed soon, I know I need to. But right now it’s really helping me when I have the urges to buy cocaine.

    I think I need to find some AA meetings. Maybe this will help me be completely sober.

  7. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Knightem01 i just replied in a different thread... but so proud of you. you're making progress and that's great! AA or NA might help you!! i certainly got a lot out if meetings and getting a sponsor. working the 12 steps helped me a lot too.... why not give it a try??

    really happy you're doing better.
    Knightem01 likes this.