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Helping my boyfriend deal with his Mom's Addiction

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by HouseKat, Feb 22, 2019.

  1. HouseKat

    HouseKat Member

    Hi,

    I have scoured the internet but it is hard to find resources for secondary involvement in a loved one's drug use. I'm not sure what I am evening asking here other than that I really need help or support in some way.

    The story is that my boyfriend's Mom is an abuser of Meth (she also has some underlying mental health issues, and it is hard to distinguish her times of being high with her mental health episodes, they probably sometimes occur concurrently). She was placed in a Crisis Intervention Unit about 2 weeks ago after trying to inject herself with Meth, she was kind of successful, and took a bat to her neighbors car say, "it's the car of the people who are spying on me". She now has some injuries on her arm and hand where she improperly injected (refuses to seek medical help). She has been on and withdrawing Meth and/or having episodes over the past 2 weeks. Finally, on Monday my boyfriend could not take anymore of her verbal abuse (screaming how she hates him, calling him names, telling him how I'm a gold digger and he is falling for my manipulation, saying how he will end up a bum paying child support (we do not have kids), and so on and so forth) when she started throwing things around and threatening to kill my cat and called the police to get her removed. I know he feels both enormous guilt and enormous relief to have her gone (causing more guilt). Since he is worried about her health, see improper injection of meth, he has been calling her once a day to make sure that she is still alive (she also threatened suicide and told him that if she did it would be his fault). She even wrote him a two page letter about how he is at fault, that he chose me over her and how he is a terrible son (along with pointing out the people spying on her and causing her pain with laser torture, aka why he should not leave her alone). To be 100% transparent, I do feel that I am indirectly responsible for him deciding to stand up to her (I have been encouraging him to realize his own self worth and that he has the right to be happy and safe and tell her no when it makes him uncomfortable to comply with her requests) and she does really really hate me for a lot of this, hence her thinking I am trying to manipulate him into letting her go. In reality what I want is for him to be happy, for her to be healthy and for them to have a strong and healthy relationship now that he is an adult (29).

    What I am really looking for is advice on how to support him through this time where he is realizing all the issues he and his mother have and that he is not responsible for making her "better", especially when she adamantly refuses all help and treatment.

    Any thoughts, concerns, etc. would be appreciated. I'm trying to be there for him while being empathetic to his mom and her issues since taking a stance against her would not be helpful, or at least I do not think it is. I have set a pretty strong boundary since the indecent that she is not welcome in what will soon be our shared home but I also don't want to encourage him to write her off or create separation before he is ready.

    Sorry for going on and on, I am very concerned and confused and have little experience dealing with this.

    Regards,

    HouseKat
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @HouseKat hey there! tough spot to be in...and sorry ya'll are experiencing this. i think it can be helpful if you both attend a support group like al-anon or nar-anon. you can learn how to best support her...AND practice self-care...they'll talk a lot about setting boundaries, self-worth, enabling (or not enabling) and more. would probably do him good to be around others who have loved ones struggling with addiction...

    would he see a therapist? i'm sure there are some deep-seated issues if she was not stable parenting him as a child. just a thought.

    does this help?
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @HouseKat... Welcome to the community and thank you for sharing. I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for you. I'm very sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you reached out.

    @Dominica's suggestion to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings is a good one. Those groups are so helpful and comforting. It's nice to be able to talk amongst others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. I think it would really help both of you. Same goes for therapy. I think both of you could really benefit.

    I also suggest doing some reading on the subject of addiction. There's a tremendous book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It was written for parents and partners of addicts, but I think it's good for any loved one of someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol. It talks about how you can be supportive, how you can help motivate your loved one to want to change, and how to take good care of yourself while dealing with their issues. I think it would be a great read for both your boyfriend and you. You can access a PDF of the book online at this link:

    https://motivationandchange.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Beyond-Addiction-Book-PDF.pdf

    There's also a companion workbook to the book called The 20 Minute Guide. You can find that here:

    https://the20minuteguide.com

    I believe that knowledge is power, so I highly recommend checking those links out. Your boyfriend may also want to check out some of the books mentioned in this blog, too:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    Please know that we are here to help, support, and listen. You can come here and lean on us anytime. Your boyfriend can, too. You guys are not alone.

    I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. The same goes for your boyfriend's mom, too. Addiction is a family disease that affects more than just the person with "the problem." So be sure to take good care of yourselves, okay?

    Sending love, hugs, and hope.
  4. lakersgirl

    lakersgirl Member

    It takes a while but with the correct support you will be able to help them. I myself had relatives who were struggling with addition and we had to fight hard to actually get them to admit that they needed help. It was a really vicious cycle to be honest, because both of them fed each others addiction. it took a lot of talking, begging, threatening but in the end we managed to admit one of them into a rehab center. We did a lot of research before and we settled on this one here: https://www.abbeycarefoundation.com/drug-rehab/ We chose it because the philosophy they adopted there has been amazing. We thought that it would suit the best and after 2.5 months we did hear back.
    But the hardest thing was after she came home. She would suffer since everything would remind her about her destructive past. I think what we as the support system need to remember is that in cases like these it is important to help people to find their footing before leaving them alone
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2021