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Helplessly watching slow death happening

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Day2Day, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. Day2Day

    Day2Day Member

    Watching slow death happening. Inconceivable statement unless you're living it everyday with a loved one. In my case my adult child, a heroin addict. No one will ever know the feeling of my heart stopping every time my cell phone rings. None will ever feel the total despair of looking into my child's emotionless eyes that one time shined. No one will ever hear my silent screams. No one will have countless sleepless nights waiting to hear the car pull into the driveway. It is so easy for people to say "they're adults and make their own choices". What these people don't realize is that I am dying along with my child. Addiction is not a choice. It is a desease. Laws needs to he changed to allow parents of an adult child struggling with addiction to have the right to make the best decision on their adult addicts child behalf. Too many of our children have been buried because parents do not have the right to make a life saving decision on their child's behalf. Does anyone know how and is interested on become an advocate in Passaic county New Jersey?
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I am so sorry you are going through something such as this,i at a certain point in my life was stuck in the situation your son is in and i am really trying to dig deep in myself to think of what would've or could've helped me in that time frame and the only thing i can think of is while i was deep in my addiction i kept waiting for my family to have an intervention.I can say i think if that would've happened i would have tried.I remember being so sick and always trying to find the next fix just to not be sick the cycle was endless and agonizing,i also remember i hated myself and only wanted a reason to try and get my life back but i couldn't find one and it took for myself hearing i only had a month at best to live before i tried to get sober and it nearly cost me my life in a deadly 27 day detox.I just wanted to be buried with no drugs in my system at that point.My heart hurts for you and I think trying an intervention is the way to go at this point.I remember being emotionless while i was deep in addiction however had i seen all my loved one's sitting around me telling me how much they loved me and wanted me back i do believe i would have been overcome with emotion because at that stage of addiction i was desperately looking for a reason to care again.God Bless you and i pray for your entire family
    Dominica likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Day2Day... I commented on your post in another thread, so I'll copy and past that response here:

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing with us. I'm very sorry to hear about your child. As someone who has an adult child who has struggled with various addictions--including heroin--over the last 13 or so years, I am very familiar with much of what you're describing.

    Unfortunately, it's not easy to get an adult child into treatment if they don't want to go willingly. That definitely makes it difficult for parents and other family members who are desperate to get their loved one help. I don't know what would be involved in getting your child help. You may want to contact a lawyer or your local social services agency and ask them. I'm sorry I can't help more.

    We're here to help and support you. You are not alone. So don't hesitate to reach out and lean on us anytime, even if it's just to vent. We will always listen, my friend.

    Praying hard for you and your child.

    Also, you may want to check out a book called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for parents and partners of people struggling with addiction, and it's full of incredibly helpful information. One of the things it covers is how to help convince your loved one to want help. I highly recommend the book to all parents and loved ones of people with addiction issues.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  4. Day2Day

    Day2Day Member

    Thank you .
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Day2Day hi there. thanks for reaching out. i'm so sorry about this load that you carry. i do understand to a degree what you go through..... different drug, buy my son struggles too. the fear can be paralyzing..for sure...

    i wish there was more we could do too.

    here if you need to share...and i pray your son will reach out for help.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    I am sitting here, today, grieving the loss of my youngest child to the evil grasp of the drug epidemic. I'm definitely one of those who naively thought that I COULD do things to protect my child from getting caught up in it. I'm in shock. I have moved four times to trying to outrun the encroachment of this plague upon every community I've lived in. And, I'm talking about safe, middle-class neighborhoods, in desirable cities and suburbia. In, the heart of America, resort and destination towns that most people save all year to visit. I home-schooled, exposed her to cultural activities: ballet, opera, travel and made sure she got a college degree in a valid, employable subject. She is a teacher, who speaks four languages! SHE IS NOT the ADDICT! She's been brainwashed by one, and his dysfunctional family.


    She recently announced that she has decided that she no longer wants to pursue her Master's degree, travel or own "things". She neglects her pet ferrets, which she wanted for so long and loved until a couple of months ago when I had to take over care . They will now be adopted out, as her new priority ....wait for it....excludes devotion of any of her attention or resources to anything other than...the love of her life...a 25 year old man-child, with long hair(I mention it only because it seems to be of vital importance to her)...who has failed out of community college, a criminal record for theft(some from his own family) and has not held a job, even one given to him by a family friend, for more than two months. He has walked away from detox and rehab many, many times. BUT, my daughter is the only person he is willing to change for. ONLY if she gives up everything for him, will he even make another attempt to get clean. But he wont agree to inpatient treatment, NOoooooo, he must have access to her. His family, in their understandable grief, are enabling this! Even going so far as to say that she would be heartless to abandon him when she is the only thing he wants to live for. They have kidnapped my child to save their own! I am beyond heartbroken.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @devastated1 i'm so sorry your daughter is caught up in this. i'm sure it's been very challenging and heartbreaking for you.... as a mom of adult children, i do understand how we want the best for our children....and how we did so much to guide them in a good direction...

    it's tough to watch them make poor decisions. totally get it.... and try to live our lives without it disrupting our sanity.... easier said than done, i know.

    we are here to offer you support... i think one thing that i have to work with is guilt... even though i know it's not my fault my kids make poor choices or struggle with this or that, sometimes that guilt pops up.... things like i could have done better.... but then i remind myself, it's their life...their lessons in their timing...

    so i pray she can get whatever lesson she needs to get and graduate from this toxic situation. that she'll see TRUTH... in herself and this man-child. that she'll remember who she really is, connect with her authentic self, and cut ties with this man....

    know that we're here.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    No, not guilt, I know that I gave her everything she needed to succeed and she was, until she met him.
    More like regret. I wish I had encouraged her to break up with him when he first told her about his past addiction and theft. Or, when he made a beeline for the casino and marijuana shop after graduation from rehab. Even that might have been too late. I wish I'd just let her put off taking that math class one more semester.
  9. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I read your other post and if I remember correctly you said HE smokes marijuana. Is this the only drug he does?I'm just curious, not that it matters all that much your feelings absolutely hold validation regardless.One thing I have learned in life is a person's first love is often the one that is the hardest to make it through whether drug's are involved or not,I believe you also said this is her first love.I remember my first love,honestly that's when my addiction really took off,(fueled by childhood trauma)I did not remember at the time,but at 16 I had everything, already had my own apartment, car,great job making over 60 thousand a year in 1996 and my first love was scared,afraid as her adopted father would beat her often,I did what my heart felt was right and at this time I was sober,but I hid her,let her move in with me.I treated her like a princess and on day I cane home after being with her for over 4 year's to find her high as a kite.Instead of kicking her out I started getting high with her and it slowly defeated me as our relationship ended after I found out she was sleeping with everyone while I was working.I understand your hate...I struggle at time's hating myself as much as you hate us..I am now a recovering addict who tries to take everything into consideration and it's very hard because I truly understand exactly what you feel for addicts,I don't blame you but I will just end it here with sometimes a first love is the real drug.Stay Strong and God Bless you
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @devastated1... My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this with your daughter. As the father of an adult son who has struggled with addiction for more than 13 years, I've seen what addiction can do to the addict and people who love and care about them.

    Please know that none of this is your fault. Your daughter is an adult and is making her own decisions, albeit poor ones. I know it's frustrating, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. As much as we'd like to, we can't control or fix our adult children.

    I'm wondering... Have you talked to a therapist at all about this situation? I think it might really help you deal with all the things you're feeling. I know therapy really helped me when I was struggling because of my son's behavior. Just a thought.

    We're here for you anytime you need someone to lean on. So feel free to come back and post anytime. In the meantime, I'm sending you lots of positive energy and hope. Please take good care of yourself, okay?
  11. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    Thank you, and to clarify to everyone here: my letter to "the addict who stole my daughter's heart" was just that. It was not directed at anyone but him and his enabling mother, who are pulling my child into that mess. I would only make matters worse if I actually sent it to them now, so I vented here. Anyone who sees themselves in it and feels bad, or is made aware that their choices hurt more than themselves are being attacked by their own conscience, not me.

    My daughter's interim boyfriend, who got tossed aside along with me, texted me the next day apologizing and wanting to find a way to reach her. I told him what Shayne, the addict's mom should tell my Melissa: It's not your responsibility to fix him/her. You are a good person and my child is not worthy of your love at this point. You will only get hurt, so please keep moving forward and try to find someone who loves YOU and will treat you with the respect you deserve.

    Addict's mother, sees Melissa as someone to take over for her, a new source of income and energy and A WAY OUT. She actually wants them to marry and have a child to seal the deal!!! Three of her own daughters have moved home, two, with babies. These are to be my daughter's new best friends and room-mates.

    I'm heartsick and purging it here, because I just need to get it out and I don't want to tell my friends and co-workers and neighbors. I don't need therapists' advice because I KNOW I have to let it be and I am not trying to change the situation, just get my head around it and hoping that my posts will help others not feel so alone in their confusion and anger. I hope the addicts and enablers will be made aware of the fact that their irresponsible acts have far-reaching, devastating effects upon the lives of people they don't even know.

    And I value the other poster's insights, as well. I am gaining new perspective and trying to see through the addicts/enablers'e eyes "why" they don't care "why" choose the miserable existence, the long, slow death? "why"
    would a mother of an addict not support the mother of that addict's lover and save at least one of those kids from a life of turmoil??? A therapist can't answer those questions, but those living it can. And with knowledge gained I can help someone else. Thank you, all, most sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.

    DEANOKAT, thank you for your kind words and my heart goes out to you and your family, as well.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  12. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

  13. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    TRUECONCERN

    Thank you, and to clarify to everyone here: my letter to "the addict who stole my daughter's heart" was just that. It was not directed at anyone but him and his enabling mother, who are pulling my child into that mess. I would only make matters worse if I actually sent it to them now, so I vented here. Anyone who sees themselves in it and feels bad, or is made aware that their choices hurt more than themselves are being attacked by their own conscience, not me.

    I'm heartsick and purging it here, because I just need to get it out and I don't want to tell my friends and co-workers and neighbors. I don't need therapists' advice because I KNOW I have to let it be and I am not trying to change the situation, just get my head around it and hoping that my posts will help others not feel so alone in their confusion and anger. I hope the addicts and enablers will be made aware of the fact that their irresponsible acts have far-reaching, devastating effects upon the lives of people they don't even know.

    And I value the other poster's insights, as well. I am gaining new perspective and trying to see through the addicts/enablers' eyes "why" they don't care "why" choose the miserable existence, the long, slow death? "why"
    would a mother of an addict not support the mother of that addict's lover and save at least one of those kids from a life of turmoil??? A therapist can't answer those questions, but those living it can. And with knowledge gained I can help someone else. Thank you, all, most sincerely, from the bottom of my heart.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  14. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I thank you for clarifying and no doubt your correct,I felt it the way I did because of my conscious.I hope you have a better day today :)
    deanokat likes this.
  15. devastated1

    devastated1 Member

    DAY2DAY,
    I am right there with you, believe it or not. I go from "dying right along with her" to "get up and keep going, so you'll be able to help her when she's ready" to denial, detachment and back around again. I believe addiction is a choice, though.

    Still, I wish that parents had some authority, where it is obvious that adult children are making decisions that will impact not only their own lives but others who have to pick up the pieces and pay the bills for damage done, treatment, whatever.
    For, we are often pointed to first in the blame game;"where did mom or dad go wrong?" "was there neglect?" "not enough money? DIVORCE? "did our own childhood trauma influence our child to self medicate or seek to cure someone else's damaged child?" "did we warn them, provide safeguards?"

    There really doesn't seem to be anything for us, but to gather together, commiserate and reassure each other that it's not our fault.
    Even the recovering addicts say that they do not know what we could have done to reach them.
    The enablers aren't thinking clearly enough to understand that they are actually doing more harm and the rescuers (I was trying to be one) need to realize that what they get back won't be the same person they lost. The damage is done. I want my daughter back more than I want to take another breath in this world, but I know that she won't be the one I miss, the one I remember.
    You should do whatever you need to do.
    deanokat likes this.