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He's back in jail

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Nov 19, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So most of you know the struggle life has been for me with my uncle around,using meth,stealing from my parent's, and just generally not giving a fu*k about how he affects us all emotionally, financially and he will even go as far as too steal from my parent's and when asked point the finger at me.He was arrested yet again on the 15th of Nov and he has a car which legally belongs to my mom(her back up car)So naturally mom wants to get the car before it is stolen or impounded but he won't call her or write her to tell her where it's at so she can go get it.I have tried to help him,I have cared ,I have offered to go to meetings with him and I hate to say this because it feels wrong and heartless but I have nothing left for him,my concern for him is gone,my desire to care and want-try to help him is gone.My question is, am I a bad person for feeling this way?Should I force myself to try and care even though at this point I do not?Any feedback would be appreciated and I do understand it's the addiction messing him up,yet he is the only person I can't find forgiveness for.I don't like to feel this way but I can't shake it
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I'm sorry to hear that your uncle is back in jail, but maybe that's the best place for him at this point. He obviously hasn't gotten the message, nor does it seem like he wants to find recovery. I know you have tried and tried to help him; but it's not your fault that he refused that help. And you are not at all obligated to keep trying to help him forever. For that reason, I don't think it's wrong for you to stop wanting to assist him. And to stop caring. There's comes a point when you just have to say "uncle." (No pun intended. Honest.) It's hard sometimes to realize that we can do everything in our power to help someone and not be successful. That's why addiction is such a b*tch. The addict is the one who has to want it. It doesn't matter how much WE want them to get clean. We can't want it more than them.

    You are not a bad person, my brother. Not at all. I wouldn't force yourself to do something that your heart isn't into. But I do hope you can help your mom get her car back. Would the police be able to help you find it? Just a thought.

    Sending you lots of brotherly love and prayers. Your uncle made his bed. Now he has to lie in it. Again. None of that is on you, so let any doubts you might be having go and focus on YOU and YOUR battle.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern

    Hey there. I do not think that you're a bad person at all for feeling this way. And it may not be that you don't care about him, because I know deep down (under his addiction and careless behavior)... you probably do, but you're not all right with his behavior and the way he continues to bring chaos into your lives. And that's not all right. You can let go of your desire to help him in any way. This is where the practice of lovingly detaching comes into play. You don't stop necessarily caring about his well-being, but you detach from any emotional attachment to his behavior.

    I understand that it is challenging when the people we care about don't want help. Or they continue on doing their thing which ends them in trouble. I don't think you should force yourself to try to care. Maybe looking at this from a different perspective. You have done your part and your willingness to give him some support, and he has refused, so you can literally wash your hands of the situation.

    And it's all right to not feel great about it. It does suck to watch people self-destruct....But try not to stay there. There is that one slogan let go and let God and give it to God and of course the Serenity Prayer- all can be helpful in this situation for you.

    This help?
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you both,You are both correct in I must continue to work on me and at this point I can't allow anything to interfere with my path forward, YES it sucks but I have to let go,I don't have the extra energy to fix me and someone else at the same time sooo I will keep pushing forward though it is hard as my mom just won't stop talking about him and it offends her when I walk away and tell her I don't want to hear it anymore because I just don't care anymore, at least I don't care until I see him make an effort to change but until then I have blocked my concern for him completely out.All I know for sure is as bad as this sounds thanksgiving and Christmas will be nice without him here
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    I'm glad that the holidays will be quieter and nicer for y'all. I'm sure I probably feel the same way you do.
    deanokat likes this.