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Hi from an addict

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by andyd, May 11, 2018.

  1. andyd

    andyd Member

    Hi everyone, i have been taking drugs for over 20 years now - ranging from cannabis, acid, ecstacy, alcohol, cocaine, speed - anything i could get my hands on. At my peak i was taking about 30 ecstacy a week amd smoking 2oz of cannabis. Last year I spent about 30,000 GB pounds on cocaine after splitting with my X girlfriend of 9 years. I started watching self help videos etc and turned to meditation, which, has greatly helped me. I cut my intake down to maybe once every 3 weeks, when i would get that voice in my head saying "its ok just go for a few pints and then up the road" ha I think a large number of us know where that ends up. Last weekend I attended a friend's wedding, this proved a tad less enjoyable than it may have, however, due to my all night bender the night before, which cumlinated in me sitting sniffing cocaine by myself then realising I was due to leave for the wedding 2 hours later!! I made it but met people there who had cocaine and ended up buying more (about 400 gb pounds worth!!) - I got to sleep at 8am tuesday morning and slept for 24 hours!! I sat in my house for 2 days after thinking why oh why oh why can i not just go out and socialise like a "normal" person without making myself almost ill in the process. I was searching in my head and online for somewhere to share this, not that i want any pats on the back or anything but its good to share stuff with people who understand. Much love.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @andyd... Welcome and thanks for sharing. We definitely understand. And I'm thrilled to death to hear that you've cut down your drug intake. That's definitely progress. Do you think you'll be able to get totally clean anytime soon? That would be fabulous. You would be so much healthier and, eventually, I think, happier.

    Glad you found us and reached out!
  3. andyd

    andyd Member

    Hi thanks for the reply. Unfortunately I think it will be a struggle to cut it out totally unless I find some magic wand. By magic wand I suppose i mean hobby or person even to take the last of my attention away from the temptation. I live in a small town and if i go to meet friends ot would often be to go to the pub - due to my behaviour issues when i drink and take drugs iam now barred from half of them!! So my problem seems to be i either stop socialising with people and spend all the time by myself, or i find people of similar mindedness to help me, hence why I have posted on here. I do nit crave drugs or alcohol amymore its more of a well ive been doing it so long i cant shake it completely type habit!! I worked out my addiction was to hide my lonelyness so i worked on that side of things and am completely happy being by myself now, it is just the last part of tue addict holding on amd not letting go - saying well you havemt been out for 3 weeks so you must be ok now so why dont you just go out for a few hours and do what normal people do amd come home after a few!!! Does that resonate with your own experiences? Thanks
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @andyd... Well, I don't drink anymore or do drugs. So my experience is different from yours. But I understand what you're saying. And I'm glad to hear that you don't crave drugs or alcohol anymore. But if you don't crave it, why even drink? Why not go to the pub and drink some sparkling water or something else w/o alcohol in it? I socialize at bars, concerts, etc. all the time and just drink water or sparkling water. I put a lemon or lime in it and people don't even know I'm not drinking. It works for me. Maybe try it next time and see if it works for you? Just a thought. Regardless, you've made a lot of progress, and I'm a firm believer in "progress, not perfection."
  5. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @andyd I responded to your inbox message so i won't carry on to far beyond this,i know you have read my story so you are indeed doing the correct thing's here and like @deanokat said sparkling water.I have trouble at times and want that drink to be "normal people"status at times as well,i also know what i turn into when alcohol is involved and it's the rudest,coldest,and potentially most violent person around im the same i want no pat on the back well because let's be honest here that is another form of self gratification in a very selfish way(in my opinion)but I would start off with a6 pack of beer and be fun i guess however im an addict one's to many and 30 is not enough so like you i have been thrown out of several bar's.I have been told my violence was ok in these situations because I always listened to how the men around me treated women and if in my drunkness if i felt a man had crossed the line that existed in my mind alone i usually would use the bar stool to teach them manners,again in my mind they crossed the line but remember i don't know these people and more times than not the woman whom i thought i was protecting would be having me arrested for beating up their boyfriends and husband's and now sober i think of some of those time's and think why did i do that i really was justing seeking violence and at the time felt i helped someone,but nope i sure wasn't im just conflict prone once i sip anything past 6 but remember there is no stopping point just more more more.Anyways now when my day is going sh×tty and i want a cold beer i buy an ice cold bottle of Perrier and pound it just that carbonation as it goes down must calm or trick my subconscious mind because it kinda burns as it's chugged but after i tip it back up i can look in the mirror still sober because i just chugged water lol,it probably sounds crazy but it helps me.Again thanks for reaching out i will reach back as long as you allow as i know the pure joy and freedom i now feel after 20+year's of addiction and man what i great feeling and you absolutely can get there you just need to occupy a little more of your time you can do it.Thanks and God Bless
    deanokat likes this.
  6. andyd

    andyd Member

    Thanks guys - i will try the bottle of perrier trick haha Yes i can get pretty violent as well and always invent an excuse in my own head why it happened like oh someone said something so i reacted (even though they probably didnt say anything in the first place!!) - i have my own business and i didnt even go once this wk due to my depressed state after the 3 day bender so made an excuse up to people about faulty equipment : you get quite good at the lies with enough practice to cover from the real issue ( not that i would want my customers to know the truth). None of my family know about it either which is an impressive trick to pull over such a long period if time, this though has really detracted from any relationship i may have with them though as i keep my distance and see them imfrequently so as to never be caught in any intoxicated state!! Perhaps that is another reason Iam writing on here as the typical advice from friends would be "youll be fine just come out and watch what your drinking"!!
    deanokat likes this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @andyd hey there. thanks for reaching out. may
    be start asking yourself some challenging questions. how do you want your life to be? in one year? in five years? in ten? then, do whatever it takes to work toward that. learn as much as you can about addiction. start hanging out with even one person who would be a good influence.

    do the "inner work" necessary to heal any issues going on underneath.

    glad you are here. it is a start.
    True concern and deanokat like this.