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Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by RecoveringLife1, Jun 8, 2018.

  1. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    Hi everyone! I'm new here. I've been addicted to alcohol for a few years. It became a serious problem when I got in trouble with the law. I was forced to go to AA meetings and was put on probation. During probation, I met this amazing guy. I was very open about my drinking and law problems. I was on the Abilify injection for depression and it worked, but it was an inconvenience getting it every month so I stopped the injection. He accepted me.

    After a while, I would threaten to leave him and we would work on our problems, but my drinking just increased and he started giving up on our relationship. I was also smoking and didn't like it due to the fact it made me so lazy and eating like a fat person. I told him I don't like it so I never really depended on it. Not only was I addicted to drinking, but I became addicted to him. I even cut myself to make him feel worry like I did. In the beginning, I was able to control my drinking and only used it when I was really depressed. Then drinking started to control me. My boyfriend was finally leaving me. I stopped drinking and he came back. But the relationship was different.

    I was only drinking when I was around him or when we went out to places. Then a couple of weeks ago, I stopped all together. But I had the worse withdrawal symptoms. I was so moody and we would still argue, but it wasn't as often. My mood lately has been a lot better and I've even made an appointment to get injections again but this time, use the 3 month one. Since I haven't been drinking, my physical health has declined. I'm starting to develop knee and leg pain again (I've had them since I was a teenager due to having flat feet). I also have a lot more neck pain due to an old injury and a couple of other problems.

    My last doctor drug tested me without my knowledge and this was a couple of years ago so everything came back negative (I found out on my medical portal). That doctor left and I have a new doctor now. I told my boyfriend all of this and that I couldn't smoke with him anymore if I want to get proper treatment. I really don't want anything to do with painkiller pills as I've had issues with those as well. I prefer to get an injection so I won't have access to them and binge on them.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @RecoveringLife1 welcome to the site and thanks for reaching out that is definitely a step in the correct direction.I'm sorry to hear about your current situation with your boyfriend and as a recovering addict yourself You have to do what's best for YOU and though you want to be there for him you cannot make him get sober,that is something we as addicts have to decide on our own.It's not easy and some of us must fall a long ways before we open our eyes to the pain we cause both to ourselves and other's.I can't be sure but age may have some to do with the situation as well,i know when i was in my 20's i refused to listen or see what other's were pointing out.Now in my 30's i am starting to understand what I've done and caused and the addiction itself was indeed hard to break free from but the emotional issue's are something that takes a lifetime of work to adjust to and accept.You mentioned AA and if you can take your boyfriend to some meetings with you and just allow him to listen to other's and possibly even you,AA is for more than just addicts it is a great place for loved one's of addicts as well,maybe him just listening may open his eye's but i can't be sure however considering you want to help him i personally believe this would be a great place to start.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat and RecoveringLife1 like this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @RecoveringLife1 hi there! glad you are on the right track with yourself. ya'll have been through a lot. and it can get tricky when one person wants to quit and the other doesn't. is this worth giving up the relationship? maybe. depends on what you want. what you're willing to put up with. how do you want a relationship to be? free from addiction? maybe occasional use?

    i think it'd be a great time for you to think about getting a therapist to help you through this time. what you want and need matters.... and hopefully he will want to quit too...and if not, be prepared to follow through with your ultimatum.

    ya'll may eventually need couple's counseling too. i know some hate the thought, but it can be very helpful.

    if he keeps on using and you aren't, it'll be tough... but if you're wanting to stick with him anyway, then be sure you get yourself a really good support group and therapist...
  4. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Hey and welcome to the site, I'm glad you found us. This is by far the most friendly and supportive group of people I've met.
    As far as your situation goes I realize that you are in a bind here as far as wanting to stay with him and help him get sober, but like you said he has done it and you even are expecting for him to get sober only to relapse again.
    Wow, I'm not attached to the relationship like you are so I'm sure that I am seeing things from a different angle, but if you're experienced with him relapsing and are already preparing for the relapse to hit again, well I see this as a never ending cycle and eventually I see a codependent future for you. I'm not saying one way or the other what direction you should take that's completely up to you, you know what's best deep down in your heart.
    I do have a son by someone who was just like your boyfriend it sounds. When one of us6tried to get sober the other was drinking or using and the other would relapse eventually. We fought everyday even though we were planning on getting married. She left and cleaned out all of her stuff while I was passed out in bathroom. When I woke up I wondered why there was no furniture in the house because I couldn't have moved it as when I woke up there was a needle still in my arm.
    Anyway, when you say that you know you won't relapse, I believe you. If you do the right things to avoid a relapse. Just remember what an old timer told me at an NA meeting one time. The only way you can think you can never relapse is to think that you are cured, and there's no cure for addiction. As the Narcotics Anonymous book says "we can never cure our disease, we can only arrest it".
    When he told me that he gave me a whole new perspective on my addiction. One that I needed.
    Please don't take this as me saying that you have it all wrong as I'm not, you seem like a very intelligent person, with a great soul. And I would love to have you give us more of your story and share some advice with me as I'm a recovering heroin addict who will have 3 months this week. I bet that I could gain some insight and wisdom from you, having beaten alcohol.
    So that's all I have have hope it helps. God bless you both.
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  5. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    I appreciate everyone responding and being so understanding. My boyfriend just made 23 and I'm almost 27.

    We've talked about marriage and moving in together. We've been together for almost a year and has already been through problems married people go through. It says a lot seeing how I had my addiction under control only to become an issue the longer we stayed together. He always say he deserves better and I deserve better, but he's no longer taking the necessary steps to receive better.

    Josh111187, I'm not going to lie. As long as I'm no where near alcohol, I don't crave it. When I work (around a bar), I do want to drink. I just take it one day at a time and just drink water or milk or juice. I have an addictive personality, but I become bored very easily. I believe this is what helps me not drink as well. I've become addicted to everything. At one point, I had an eating disorder where I would starve myself. There's exercising when I ended up in the ER because of asthma; alcohol, pills, even television and social media. After a while, the excitement fades and I look for something else to do. Luckily, I've never became addicted to gambling.
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I do believe this man must love you as he has said you deserve better,those are not easy word's to say and if you don't love someone why would a person ever say those words because if there is no love it's easy to not care.You are both young he's only 23 but at some point he convinced his friends to quit smoking with him for you.I don't know either one of you personally but from what i know i think with some work you are good for each other.I think if you keep communication with him open,honest,and sincere i believe you can both grow and mature together.I'm no therapist and definitely not a Dr but i have been through a thing or two in my life and i can't help but come back to he said you deserve better,i have been in a similar situation where i more or less said the same thing and i never meant anything more seriously in my life.I think he loves you but it ultimately comes down to what you want and what your willing to deal with,i wish you both nothing but the best.Please keep us posted we care and we all would love to hear thing's are improving for the two of you.Stay Strong and God Bless
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  7. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    What @True concern just said is so true. For a man to get over the jealousy factor and really think about your situation and tell you that YOU need better, that's love if I've ever known it. When my ex fiance left me what I didn't tell you earlier is she left while I was passed out in the bathroom because it hurt her to much to do it while I was there and she knew from previous attempts that I would try to talk her out of it. If I put myself aside for a moment then I realize that I am glad she moved on she deserved better than me at the time.
    I do hope you two can make it work.
    Look if there is one thing a man doesn't want from his wife it is pressure. So the best way to go6about getting him to quit isn't to say do this or else, try being encouraging and supportive. I was married for a few years when I was younger and I loved her so much, she hated it that I smoked pot, but she loved me and overlooked it. But I did try to cut back and not do it around her but if, ill never forget this, one day she said if you come home stoned I'm not going out to our 2 years anniversary date with you. Ok I hadn't planned on it. But when she said that out of the blue it pissed me off and then I had a bad day at work. So I got back at her, when she was in the shower I smoked out our whole apartment. I've never seen a woman so mad.
    Anyway three months later I lost her to brain disease, never saw it coming.
    I cry because I wish I could take that back so bad. My point anyway is to think hard me logical and not make rash decisions that you might regret later.
    About the alcohol cravings, let me tell you, you're not alone. I've read some posts in the heroin forum that were so dead bang on with the description of the use that I got sweats because it gave me cravings so bad. And me old dealer is walking distance from me. But I did not think I could make24 hrs. In fact I was so stressed that first day I didn't sleep for24hrs. I was torturing myself by watching the clock. Then I slept through the next day. Then I knew that unless I was monitored I would not make it a week so my dad lived in my room so I couldn't go out the window for a week straight. When I left to go to the bathroom once I tried to bolt for the door but he caught me and then for the rest of the week I had a cable around my waist keeping me in the house. I'm not joking this is true.
    Now I'm available for relapse anytime.
    That is anytime that I forget that I will always be an addict I just don't have to be in active use addict.
    Knowing this I'm able to avoid using by the self will that God gave me. And I know that this will is from God otherwise I would have used exactly.....everyday that I said I won't use today. @True concern made this point the other day we tend to be alike in that we are all one way or all the other. All in or all out.
    For me personally I'm either a hundred percent clean and sober or on the verge of an overdose. Not sometimes I use, every-single-time.
    You got this just never get relaxed and think you have this beat because everyday you don't use your addiction is waiting right around the corner doing pushups.
  8. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    Josh111187, I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences and I hope you continue to cope with this sober. Were you sober when she passed or did you get better after? I believe that God gave her the strength to leave to persuade you to get better for when you lose her due to the brain disease. I swear, our faith and determination is always tested. We're put in situations to learn and become wiser. The devil seems to be near you at all times while God is watching saying "they'll make the right choice". I'm not much of a religious person (more spiritual). I was raised Christian, but went my own way. It's basically life's way of saying to use a better method for when you go through something depressing. I've never done anything harder than weed so I can't say I understand what you experience. I can say this... Even if you feel yourself wanting to go back to drugs, just remember that your woman is watching everything you do and you don't want to disappoint her. Use the memory of her to stay sober because it will make her happy and her happiness will keep you going and aware.
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  9. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Thank you, but honestly it was a long time ago. I've told that story about her miscarriage and then her passing and then me going to her friends house for support, we got drunk way drunk, then blown on some super potent cocaine, and that's why I have a son now. I forget what thread or even forum I posted it on but its a long time ago and a long story. But we were together from the time we were 14 years old until three weeks before I was 21, married on our 18th bday, well my 18th birthday, so it's been 11 years ago this November and to be honest if I never get married again I'm ok with that.
    Not because I had a bad experience, but because our 7 years together, well, I don't think I can top them. I know that's so young I don't care because I know how real it all was.
    So about when I got sober, I think that's what you asked. I drank and smoked pot but I never did anything else until after I lost her, but when I started the hard stuff and realized that pain killers were even better antidepressants, that's when it6got bad.
    When I started on heroin and was getting the nods at work and my buddy mixed me up my first shot of heroin and coke that's when it got horrible. I didn't start trying to get clean until about a year ago. I will be three months clean this week. So yeah, sorry to say it, but it's true I've been f×#ked up for half of my life. Started on my 15th bday and I'm 30.
    But, if I live hopefully another 30 years then I will be able to say I was only high and or drunk for 25% of my life. Huh, that's kinda depressing.
    True concern likes this.
  10. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    As long as you've learned from your mistakes, that's what matter. If posting on this site helps you to stay sober, do so. Please try not to fall off the wagon. A lot of people who's relapsed has overdosed and died. We don't want that to happen to you. Just know you have people that will support you on here. Remain there for your son. You have to live for him now and watch him grow up. Be an example of what happens if you try to experiment with drugs. I know you don't want him to go through the same things. All you can do is be a good role model to him.
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  11. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Yeah your right about that. His mom isn't too involved in his life but especially since I've been getting clean our relationship has grown exponentially. I love him so much I wouldn't ever let him down again now that my mind is clear and I am able to see all the destruction I was causing. People have been telling me for years I was screwing up, I just didn't believe them until recently. Its all good now though, that was in the past. And its going to stay that way.
    I kinda think of it this way that was a chapter in my life called my 20's chapter. Well that chapters closed and I've opened up a new one called my 30's chapter. It will be totally different, it already is.
    I'm holding a brand new smartphone, just was given a plot of land, I'm looking for house blueprints instead of dope. I'm a member of the PTA at his school now. I'm involved in taking him to his boy scout troop tripps. And instead of checking this site every five minutes to see the latest post hoping that someone might have a miracle cure for addiction, I'm checking in frequently to see if I might be able to help someone else.
    So don't worry about me. I'm taken care of.
    This thread started actually because you posted it. You were looking for advice maybe or encouragement, just wanted to vent about your woes with the boyfriend and his using have you come to a decision on how you might want to handle it?
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  12. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  13. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    You know I agree with you that that is not acceptable.
    I'm still not ever going to give my opinion on someone else's personal life and the choices that they make, as that person is the only one that is capable of making a decision that they feel good about. I will only give opinions about how I feel. And state facts. Here is a fact known all over the world. In 131 countries, in 65 different languages, at least, and this is accurate as of May 2010 I'm holding my NA big book in my lap right now. Recovering addicts must stay away from people, places, and things, that they used to use with and around, lest they risk losing their clean time and relapse eventually to end up in one of three places, jails, institutions, or death! (I added the exclamation point)
    Personally I have found this to be true, every single time I went to see this particular friend I used to have- who might as well be dead for all the good he's worth, as hes lost about 80% brain function and it's permanent-I would say to whomever I was living with at the time I'm going to go and check on...so and so, I ended up using. Swearing up and down there was no way he could talk me into it. Because I was staying clean this time. I would eventually become so angry I would go over there just to prove to them that I could go and just check on and knowing he was probably high help him somehow and come home sober.
    This happened exactly 5 times, and I have the paperwork to prove it. I went to just check on him 5 times and 5 times I woke up in jail. Why, why, why?
    Subconsciously I must have wanted to use, not go to jail, but why didn't after the second, third, even FOURTH, time did I still refuse to believe everyone?
    Why did I really think I could help him when everytime I went over I had not even been clean long enough to go into withdrawals, for me that's a couple hours, maybe.
    What I'm getting at is relationships can be like habits, eventually we don't even realize what we're doing. Kinda like biting your nails, or walking into a dark room you're familiar with and reaching out to touch the light switch without even noticing that you don't have to search for it.
    Monday some car parts came fed ex to me. I was so excited that night I couldn't sleep. So I eventually decided to go and open the boxes, and jumped out of bed and bolted across the dark room for the switch as had done thousands of times. I tripped and fell over the boxes that I was thinking about. Did I feel dumb!
    Well I use that analogy not to preach to you but to encourage you to stick with your decision if that's what you want. I don't want to hear about you tripping and falling, you have a really big heart I think. And you deserve happiness.
    God bless.
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  14. RecoveringLife1

    RecoveringLife1 Senior Contributor

    I appreciate the outlook and info. Luckily, I don't like the way smoking makes me feel. I even felt like I was dying one time because as you mentioned the light switch, I wasn't "passing out slowly", I was awake one minute and in a matter of a second, I was going to be unconscious. Why would anyone want to risk going through that every time they smoke? There was another time when I was going through the loop. I kept repeating the same thing over and over and over. Even my physical reaction was the same each time. The only good thing that comes out of smoking is that it helps cancer patients with nausea during chemotherapy and gives them an appetite. That's it. The cons outweighs the pros on this one. I've realized that this is the way every human being mind works at some point. When there's no challenge, they figure "What's the point"?
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2018
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  15. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @RecoveringLife1... The bottom line is that you have to do what's best for YOU. Not just for the short term, but for the long term, too. YOUR life is the most important one in this picture. And YOUR happiness and health--both emotional and physical--should always be the top priority. Always remember that.
  16. True concern

    True concern Community Champion


    Don't be so hard on yourself josh,technically the way i look at it i was on dope from the age of 6 considering Ritalin and i understand what you say about your wife,i feel much the same about mine
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  17. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    What I think I said was guys didn't like there wives putting pressure on them. By this I meant undue pressure you know like the stereotypical nagging wife...having conversed with you quite a bit I believe you to be absolutely the opposite of that! I think you're great, really. And by encouraging and being supportive I was referring to the good habits and attributes he had. By no means the bad habits, encourage him to loose those.
    I'm just going off of the information given and if he's already smoking and drinking so much he's sleeping and not working then he's depressed and lacks any kind of normal level of motivation. I can tell you from experience that if I'm really down and depressed, and down and depressed about my depressed outlook then I'm really feeling like a piece of crap.
    So the ultimatum angle might not work out for you like it did last time, because he's probably felling pity for himself and pissed at himself, embarrassed, and with no motivation, given that he said himself you deserved better than him...well from a guys standpoint and a recovering addicts standpoint, and from a guy who also has been given the me or else more than a few times, I'm just saying that if you really want to keep him given that he's sober, you might want to give alot of thought to how you approach him about this relapse.
    But, ill say again I'm not recommending anything I'm just telling you how ive felt and dealt with similar situations. Seems like you really love him too and and maybe I'm not sure, are frustrated that he hasn't come around already and put the crap down and said I'm done with drugs please come back.
    I wanna point out that you said you didn't like pot fortunately, that in this case the cons far outweighed the pros.
    But honestly potheads ( myself included) feel just the opposite. I've never experienced anything like what you described from the two bad smoking experiences with marijuana. For me it was always just an energetic happy go lucky feeling.
    So if he's like me and others that like the effects from THC alot then he could also be struggling with the actual psychological addiction aspect. And is trying, but it really makes you anxious to quit pot if you're mentally dependent on it. And as for the alcohol, I just about half an hour ago posted something about my 12 years long alcohol addiction, if you get a chance try and read it. If he's is anything even close to being a drinker like that then putting them both down and at the same time, without medical help, might be physically impossible. Have you asked him if he needs medical help to detox? It might not be that bad but everybody's different. I went through withdrawals from alcohol after only three weeks of drinking. I don't know what to tell you.
    I just know that you both deserve better than to be tied down to an addict but your in love with the sober him and he for you. But above all, no matter what, your recovery and wellbeing come first. Please tell me how things go. I'm rooting for you!
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  18. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I went through a pretty rough detox from alcohol and benzodiazepines at the same time but I'm an idiot and at some point thought it was amusing to detox,but at that time i wanted to die and now i think back and see there was nothing amusing about it at all.It sucked everytime
  19. Josh111187

    Josh111187 Community Champion

    Know what you mean. Your poor brain didn't even know that dying wasn't fun.
    Isn't it amazing how much your mind starts to really analyze all these different things when we start to get back rewired the way we're supposed to be. I know for me probably 4 or 5 nights out of the week I can't sleep because my mind is racing just weels spinning out of control. I wonder if this is what adhd feels like.
    I've actually been thinking that my drug use has given me add. Or is that my addiction giving me an excuse to go get hooked on Aderral?
    I can't figure myself out and get pissed.
  20. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know on a small scale that is what add feels like and then there's ADHD where before your consciousness acknowledges it your already doing it.Like hanging on a ceiling fan in a second grade classroom or demanding your sixth grade teacher refer to you as Mr.whatever your last name is because you just realized it's a sign of respect and you want it fair across the board.