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His behavior this week

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by L_B, Dec 17, 2015.

  1. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    He has been very secretive. His moods are up and down. One minute he is happy and the next he is irritable and on edge. He hasn't been eating much. He use to always have a big meal when he got home from work now he barely eats. He seems to always be avoiding me. He wants to be alone in whatever room he is in. I don't know. I decided to stay here and keep an eye on him and I am not liking the signs that I am seeing. There is definitely something going on. It may have been this way for a while but I am noticing it more now that I know he has been and could very well still be using cocaine.
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2015
  2. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Or maybe he's irritable because he's trying to kick it? Have you talked to him much at all? See where his head's at and if he'll open up to you. Wishing you the best.
  3. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    To confirm your suspicion you should search every nook and cranny of that house, so that you will know if he still takes cocaine or not anymore.

    I agree with the advice that you should talk to him, you'll never know if it's just one of these days that he's having a bad mood.
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I brought it up and asked if we could talk. He told me that he wasn't ready to talk about it right now. He said that we would talk when he felt he was ready to. I have searched the house high and low but there are so many places he could hide it if he really wanted to. It could even be in his car. He also has been leaving for work extra early each morning. I want to trust him and think that he is acting that way because he is not using but he has lied to me and hid it from me for so long that it is hard to trust or believe anything that he says. I guess we will see. The weekend is coming up and that is when things turn ugly. :/

    He received his inheritance cheque in the mail Tuesday. It came registered mail so he had to go down and pick it up at the post office because he wasn't home when they came to deliver it. I asked him if he had picked it up yet, he told me "no." Well guess what another lie! He told me he would give to it me so that he wouldn't waste it...didn't happen. He still tells me that he didn't pick it up yet but I found proof that he has.

    Sometimes I really think ending my life would be better then living this way, I would finally be free from all of this. How can I stand by and support him when he doesn't care about himself, me or our relationship? If I walk away I look like the bad one because I left when he needed me most but yet doesn't even want my help or even want me for that matter. I am hanging on for what? I have seriously reached my lowest point ever. I can't make him stop. I can't make him seek help. I feel weak, tired and alone. I just can't do this anymore.
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2015
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @L_B... First of all, ending your life is not the answer. Not for this or for anything. In another thread, you told another community member: "Life is worth living, please don't give up." I'm going to hold you to that, my friend. Please don't give up.

    I understand the pain and suffering you've gone through because of your husband. And from what I've read in this forum, it's obvious that you have tried to help him many times, and that you have put up with sooo much. Loving an addict can be a living hell. You know that. I know that. And sometimes, we have to think seriously about what is best for us.

    I've written this so many times in these forums that I'm sure people are sick of hearing it. But here it goes again:

    YOU are the most important person in your life.

    If you have done all you can to help your husband, and if he is not receptive to the idea of changing his life, then maybe it is time for you to walk away. It is not selfish to take good care of yourself. You do not deserve to suffer on a daily basis because of your husband's addiction and stubbornness. It's okay to want a better life for yourself. If the only way for you to get that is to walk away and start anew, know that it's okay to do that. And don't worry about how it will make you look, or about what other people think.

    I know that a lot of people think a spouse or parent has to stand by their addicted loved one no matter what. But I believe there comes a time when we have exhausted our efforts, and it's a matter of either saving one person (us) or having two people (us and them) continue to struggle.

    I am praying for you my friend. I am praying that God will allow you to make the decision you need to make, the one that is best for you. And I want you to know that I am here for you anytime you need me.

    Peace and hugs.
    pstrong1969 and kassie1234 like this.
  6. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    I think what deanokat said really hit the nail on the head. When you have tried, and tried, and attempted different approaches, and yet still you're not getting any attempt to meet in the middle - then I don't think there's anything wrong with walking away. I don't think anyone would judge you for doing that, in fact they would probably applaud you for sticking it out as long as you have. I have read your posts for a while and always admired how you tried and tried, even when it sounded awfully tough. You're well within your rights to walk away. The last thing anyone here would want is for you to be feeling like ending your life is the solution. It isn't. We care about you - even if it's through a computer screen - we're your virtual family and want the best for you.
  7. pstrong1969

    pstrong1969 Community Champion

    Dont let your husbands addiction kill you. Some times in these tough times walking away is the only sensible solution. Sounds like you have alot of Love to give to people. Take that love and put it to good use. Make a beautiful life for yourself. When and if your husband decides he wants help let him know you will be there for him. Im sure he already knows that. Taking your own life over your husbands addiction would be a shame. Please seek help for yourself.
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    I walked in this evening to him talking to his drug dealer on Facebook. I am an idiot. Of course he closed up the screen when I walked in but I seen her name and seen a bit of the conversation. I am crushed. The pain is so severe. Why can't he just love me and be happy?
    Last edited: Dec 21, 2015
  9. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    It is absolutely true what @deanokat had said that "YOU are the most important person in your life. That is why don't ever think of ending your life just because you are emotionally in pain because of your husband addiction. Love yourself first before anything else but you can always be there for your love one to help him to change for the better of his life. I just hope and pray that your husband will be enlighten and will see all your efforts for him. Just hope for the best and who knows he will learn to appreciate what you are doing for him and may soon realize all his faults and will be motivated to change his life for the better.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Hmmm. I think I've read some of your posts. Its not necessarily the case that someone is using cocaine behaving this way.
    Oh now I am reading your other posts here. A lot going on there and you are telling all of it here. The money is his so. I don't know, its all so tricky. A drug dealer on Facebook. Well, this is a shame. Ok so he more than likely has this problem and whatever.
    "why can't somebody love me?" you are saying. So many dynamics going on here. I feel for you. A person with their drug issue is not really a question of why can't somebody love you. You just need to look at your own behavior around him if you love him. Anyone who is ok with his problem he will be drawn to and if you are against it he will pull away from you. I mean this is just the way it works. I know it hurts to feel like he loves what he is doing more than you. Its not really true even though his actions makes it feel this way. I don't really know the two of you but generally speaking you need to look at it objectively. Step outside of it if you can.
    "How can I stand by and support him when he doesn't care about himself, me or our relationship?" you said.
    This is a big one. The drug is affecting his behavior and he is not himself. This is all you need to grasp if you want to do your best to reach him. Certainly you can make a choice to leave. I am forever doing my best to help anyone work a marriage out so. You just have to see the light of day through the darkness.... There are many ways to look at this. Looking at it objectively ok.... he is not himself and his behavior is simply straight out of the drug. Give the space and just watch him.
    Alright so you don't want to do this anymore. This is understandable. So you get the time together and have the conversation to see what he wants. I mean maybe he wants to have an illegal drug in the house? This is not good for you or in the best interest for both of you. Maybe see what he says and go from there. You are not going to look bad if you walk away from a man who has a cocaine addiction. Its an illegal drug and that's it.
    You just do your best when the conversation comes. Try to ground yourself and be as rational as possible. You love him you do your best to reach him. This way no matter what you can at least say you tried. You can always do a temporary walk away. Time to think or something. Just remember you are dealing with the drug, not the real person that you love ok. His physical and mental actions are not his real self. Think of it as a demon or devil holding him hostage. No one is really themselves under the influence of something like this. You can do it, just see him coming out of it. xxx xoxo
  11. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Better to walk away than end your own life. if you are considering that option. Sometimes it will be necessary to put a space to make someone think more and better. Or you can try motivating him to try other approaches and help himself.
    deanokat likes this.
  12. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    This!!! I couldn't have written it better!!! Dean is so right. You don't have to stand this, after all life is so short, and if you feel you have had enough, then you should really think of walking away. Specially if this whole situation is affecting you physically and emotionally, you have to think about your well being first... being in this kind of situation for so long can be so exhausting.
    deanokat likes this.